To think my mate is shit?

[LosAmigos]

I see my best friend regularly. He is very busy with work and everything else and we were supposed to be meeting up soon to do an activity but as he was so busy, I suggested that we can postpone until things get a little bit less busy for him after the new year. He agreed. I was disappointed, but these things happen.

We were texting yesterday when he drops into conversation that he has a date coming up in a few weeks. Now, I'm a little bit pissed that he has time for someone he has never met before, but not me. I expressed this to him and he thinks i'm being silly.

We have very close relationship and speak everyday.

AIBU to be pissed off at him?

Well then OP YABU, in that you are maintaining an intense friendship from which no good can come.

You need to dial down the intensity of the friendship (gradually, probably, so as not to draw attention to it), so that there is room in his life with a jealous friend for a partner, and room in yours to meet new friends and potentially a new love.

When I said that I was going off messages for a little while, he started offering up dates we could meet and my head was spinning. So confusing!

You know, there seems something a wee bit sadistic about that. He doesn't have time for you and/or actually cancels on you time and again, but when you step away, suddenly he wants to draw you back in. Why? So he can cancel on you again? He must be getting something out of this.

I'm wondering if he knows how you feel (love can be very hard to hide!) and is actually, IDK, 'getting off' on having someone suffer from unrequited love for him, even if it is someone he isn't attracted to (since he's gay). Maybe it's a huge ego-stroke for him. Maybe he's just an arse who needs a 'back up buddy' to keep him entertained when nothing better is on offer. Who knows.

I knew someone like this. He was hetero, though. But he really loved to flirt, see a woman casually, and 'draw her in' until she fell in love then he'd act all surprised and insist she'd 'read him wrong' and they were 'just friends'. It was all about feeding his ego, but I also think that deep down, he just hated women. He's never married (surprise!) and from what I hear is now a very bitter and hateful old man.

At any rate, start questioning his actions. Make yourself NOT defend or make excuses for him. See them, and him, for what they are. Maybe that can be your first step. Well, second step. Accessing counseling will be your first.

Yes, I agree with this.

As he wasn't getting my hints to take a break (I was so broken by it, I have realised I even started arguments to get a break from him), I told him how I felt. As he is gay I realise that nothing can come of it. He was actually very nice and said that we can meet up when I am ready.

As he has always been single for as long as I have known him, I have loved him in silence and not been bothered too much by my feelings, but him having a date massively brought my feelings to the fore and in a really negative way. I've had a few days of crying, proper ugly crying, feeling suicidal (thanks to depression that's existent anyway!), but today I am feeling pleased to have got it out there to him and for him to be finally aware that I need the space from him to recover and to fall out of love. It's so hard.

I agree wholeheartedly.

I have other gay friends who get outrageously flirty, but this one has promised me the world. He even text me (while sober) saying that he loves me. He includes me in all his plans for growing older including living with him. He's basically been like my boyfriend but not. I have never been on the receiving end of this kind of intensity with any friend (or even boyfriend) before! I don't think he's done it with bad intentions, but it's left me feeling a bit dead inside.

I think that on some level he knew how you felt, I really do. But I am glad you got it all out in the open now. Now you need to redefine the relationship on your own terms. If he says or does something that feels 'out of line' to you, then you need to tell him that he isn't being a good friend to you, that he needs to BE a friend and help you to regard him as just a friend, too.

All his talk about 'love' and 'growing old', perhaps you were/are his 'back up plan' for companionship if he never met 'Mr Right'? If you only felt friendship for him it would be one thing, but since your feelings run deeper, that's also a bit unfair. He should be encouraging you to find your own 'love', just like he's searching for him.

This

Hi @MatildaTheCat and @Smallonesaremorejuicy we have talked about the situation and he has said that he's known for a long time about my feelings.

Really naively, him saying that we will live together one day and how we'll do our house, really made me think he might like me. Not sexually of course, but at least emotionally. I feel so stupid! He also had us planning holidays together. I know that's what friends do, but as we're part of a wider group of friends and there was just the two of us going, I really thought that that meant that there might be something there. He was so keen for us to commit to future plans together, whether that be day trips, holidays etc. I know that is what friends do too, but I suppose that in my head I totally romanticised it all, especially as he was doing the planning.

He even texted me he loved me and every day would be texting me loads, mostly about utter mundane things such as what he was having for dinner!

The level of contact and plans for the future are things i've only experienced with men I've been in a romantic relationship before, so perhaps that is why I have fallen so badly (literally!) in love with him.

Oh my goodness, I feel such a fool for falling in love with a gay man.

He's messing with you and feeding off your adoration, knowing he can't return it. At least Count Dracula reached a point where he was honest about being a vampire.

Lock this one back in his coffin.

This is actually a really common experience and it's awful. I feel for you. It will eventually pass. You haven't been stupid.

😂

Thank you. I really appreciate your kind words. I hope it passes soon.

Have you ever actually seen him in the sunshine?

Now you mention it...

I love him so much and the hurt that he's potentially going to be dating (and loving) someone when I want him is just too much to bear!

OP you need to walk away from this. You want something from him which he can’t give you. He doesn’t feel the same way about you so you will always be disappointed, it’s irrelevant whether he cancels or postpones meetings. The big picture is that you are going to get very hurt.

He is looking for romance (or sex) with someone other than you which he is well within his rights to do. Him finding time to hang out with you in the short term won’t make that any less painful. The bottom line is that you have been an emotional stopgap for him (whether consciously or not), while he looks for someone more permanent. When he does find that person you will inevitably drift apart.

You will make yourself more and more unhappy by remaining emotionally involved with and available to this guy and it can’t end well. Put your needs first and stop seeing him.

@Thepeopleversuswork Many thanks for your advice.

I have told him how I feel and that I need a break. He has been very respectful of that. I feel immense relief that it's now out in the open. I also feel massive embarrassment at allowing myself to feel that way about him, but I'm certain a break will help the feelings disappear.

I think it's great you got it out of the system. As someone who suffered similarly with an almost obsessive love, I can tell you, eventually it passes and oyu get to move on. Do nice stuff for yourself, meet people, go out. It's not necessarily about looking for a replacement, but just... putting ourself out there, finding new hobby, valueing yourself. Dont feel embarassed though, it's not like we chose who we love and how or can control every thought. I do think form what you said he was leading oyu on a bit (maybe like one of the OPs said, as a back up plan). But hopefully the confession can help you move onto other things and people, all the best!

I'm so glad it passes. The feeling is HORRIBLE!

Not hearing from him about his day and not being able to tell him about mine is also horrible. Have I made a mistake in telling him? I just want to be able to talk to him like we usually do. It's such a shitty situation.

I can’t see how a healthy friendship can come out of this. You might be better off phasing him out as a friend altogether rather than just taking a break.

I haven't spoke to him for a few days now. I thought that going from an intense, very regular communication with him to nothing would be really hard, but it's actually been really easy and such a relief. I don't know a relief from what but I feel so free. I don't doubt that I love him, but perhaps knowing that I would never have him romantically was causing me a huge amount of stress.

I thinkwhat caused you anxiety is the fact that subconsciously you were hoping for something to happen (regardless how . Now you are in the clear and this is also giving you a sense of relief.

Quite possibly. Human emotion is complex isn't it?

Oh OP, horrible situation to be in. You have a simple case of unrequited love and it is the worst. It feels unbearable and that you will never meet someone, that your entire future and happiness depends on him, the good news is none of this is true. You will not always feel this way. The bad news is, it does take time.

You need to consider if this friendship is healthy for you. First of all the fact that you are in love with him and it's not reciprocated and the second that he has been a bit shit in prioritising your friendship. I have a gay man as best friend and I'm not going to lie he can prioritize his love life over plans with me. Depends on the plans if it would bother me, casual drinks/meals- no, special evening- yes. He has been looking for a relationship for a while, and I would love for him to find someone. But obviously the idea of your friend finding someone hurts you, hence why his cancelling affects you so much.

But he is not doing anything wrong. He is allowed to find a partner and fall in love and is allowed to make it a priority. He is not responsible for your feelings regarding this. You are. You need to decide how you can go forward in a healthy way. It may be you need some distance from the friendship for the time being.

I am also a firm believer that the best way to get over someone is to open yourself up to someone else. Easier said than done, I know. But you also deserve love and to establish a meaningful relationship and you are making that difficult by prioritising him.

Do you have other friends you could spend more time with?
Interests or hobbies you could pursue?

Think about what you need that should be your priority now.

Thank you for your message.

I wish that I had never told him. He probably won't ever think the same of me again. I have ruined the beautiful friendship he and I had.

I don't have many other friends or hobbies really.

I suppose that I told him so I could have time out, less of us texting as it was constant and this was only adding to the feelings that I had for him. I knew almost everything about his life, about his plans. I was overwhelmed and knew I couldn't get over these feelings that I knew wouldn't go anywhere whilst we were in such constant contact. It got to the point where if he text, I felt the way that you do when you get a text from a partner and he was on my mind too much to be healthy. Now I have told him, I think that I have killed our friendship. It's never going to be the same is it?