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Is this a reasonable amount of ‘jobs’ for a maid of honour?

303 replies

sorenlorenson1 · 26/11/2022 01:00

I’ve been asked by a close friend (since childhood) to be maid of honour at her wedding, this September.
She asked me last weekend, they had only announced their engagement a few days prior, but I immediately said yes and was happy to have been asked… however, I either am completely naive as to what I’ve let myself in for and this is the norm to expect from a maid of honour… OR it’s not the norm and is OTT…
Today, we spoke about the upcoming wedding in more detail.

Friend said ‘well obviously, you will be in charge of organising the hen weekend. I will send you the details of my friends you don’t know.’ (So 25 in total. 10 of these are mutual friends. The others I haven’t met or have met briefly.)

‘you will be in charge of organising the dress fittings for all bridesmaids. (11 adult bridesmaids. 2 flower girls aged 7/9) I’ll give you a list of Saturdays to pick from.’

‘I’ll be buying a gift for each bridesmaid but if I tell you what to get, you can order them and sort out as I won’t have the time to do it.’

’Help me pick a photographer / videographer. You can decide out of a few we both choose. I will trust your judgment on that obviously.’

’organise the flowers. I will send you some examples. So all you have to do is have a look at a few florists and their reviews, prices… and then just go from there.’

’I’ve got someone to do the hair but not the make up. I probably won’t have the money to be honest for make up. But on the day if you start early, you can do the make up for everyone.’

’if you’ve got the time, can you sort out some wedding favours for the table. Maybe make something.’

‘Keep an eye on the flower girls on the day. Their mums won’t be with them so need to keep them happy!’

‘After the best man speech, I will let you do one obviously.’

that’s everything she can think of ‘so far.’ 😭
I have never been a bridesmaid, let alone maid of honour… I did expect to have some input with the hen do… but the rest feels like she’s expecting me to be a wedding planner. 😐

I should definitely mention that I live a 3.5 hour drive away (I moved away from my home city 8 years ago.)
I love my friend dearly, and have always felt it to be a very equal friendship, despite the physical distance between us now. But I think she’s thinking that I have a LOT of spare time, due to not working.
But I have four children, one of them is severely disabled and requires round the clock care (hence I’m on mumsnet at 1am) and I don’t want to commit to every single thing, if I’m not able to deliver, due to being exhausted or in hospital with my son.
(happens often.)

My OH says it sounds reasonable and most
of these things I can organise easily enough from my phone…. What’s the verdict here??

is this expected of a MOH?
would I be unreasonable to say I can’t / don’t want to take responsibility for all of the above?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

1851 votes. Final results.

You are being unreasonable
You are NOT being unreasonable
ADHDHelp · 26/11/2022 10:20

I'm not even sure I did that much for my own wedding!

Hen do: Yes
Speech: Yes

Everything else, no no no

TheFunnyOne · 26/11/2022 10:27

I would never have handed over the flowers/favours/photographer to someone else. Not because the MOH couldn’t handle it, it was because it was all part of the fun of the planning it. Buy her one of those lovely wedding planner books from Etsy is something and she can tick things off as she goes.

stuntbubbles · 26/11/2022 10:28

Is there any slim chance, because surely no one is this bridezilla, that since you’re close friends from childhood, she wants to want you as MoH, wants you to feel included, knows there is no way on earth you can do even standard MoH duties and may even need to bow out due to your DS, so she’s asked you to get the friendship credit then set an impossible task to make sure you say no?

My only other theories are:

• long-con super-prank
• She’s never been involved in a wedding before and doesn’t know who does what
• body snatcher impersonating a bride
• made a bet with someone
• evil wizard

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 26/11/2022 10:30

It’s far far too much.

The things I’d especially nip in the bud now are 1. Doing everyone’s makeup, 2. Looking after the flower girls and 3. Sorting the photographer

Starseeking · 26/11/2022 10:34

The only reasonable part of her ask is the hen do, anything else she's asking you to be her free wedding planner.

Even if you didn't live hours away, and didn't have 4 DC, one of whom has special needs it would be unreasonable. The fact that you do, means your ability to commit can't match her wants.

You need to manage her expectations now. Tell you can do hen do, but nothing else.

I'd also add that if only organising the hen do means that she will find someone else to be her MOH you completely understand and look forward to enjoying the wedding AS A GUEST ONLY. On the day, you will be so grateful you did, if she takes you up on that offer.

bridgetreilly · 26/11/2022 10:35

No. And now is the time to sit down with her and make it absolutely clear that she is already acting like a bridezilla and she needs to get out of that mindset right now.

Cantbebotheredwithchores · 26/11/2022 10:48

I'm shocked with your post OP. When I got married I my sister was my MOH. She brought some decorations for the hen do and she signed our marriage certificate.
I don't understand all these responsibilities for being maid of honour.
I organised my small hen do as I was the one who knew everyone that was going!

You'll have to speak with her soon OP and get those boundaries set up

Cakecakecheese · 26/11/2022 10:48

Ask if the other bridesmaids can help, if not then resign. Tell her that as much as you want to be her MOH that's far too much for you to do on your own given your circumstances.

Joystir59 · 26/11/2022 10:52

Tell her she needs to engage a wedding planner not a maid of honour.

zingally · 26/11/2022 10:59

I was maid of honour for my bf. I did organise the hen do - which was a pain in the arse, gotta say! - and that was the end of my involvement. Otherwise, I just turned up to things, like dress fittings etc when I was told to.

mangoskip · 26/11/2022 11:02

Florists and photographers would never accept the job from a bridesmaid. They would want consultations with the bride and groom before agreeing to the job.

Daisy38 · 26/11/2022 11:13

I didn’t bother with a hen do and everything else like flowers, photographers, favours etc. I sorted with DH. That wasn’t anyone else’s responsibility but ours. Sounds like she expects a lot from you.

All we wanted from our bridesmaids and best man was that they turn up and support us on the by being at our side as our friends.

ordinarilyordinary · 26/11/2022 11:15

This is pretty shocking.
You need to go back to her and say
" hi friend, I've just read through the list of jobs you want me to do for my moh role, and I've also discussed it with my partner.
I'm so sorry but I simply won't be able to commit to that.
I'd feel really uncomfortable getting involved in bridesmaid gifts, flowers and photographers as it's usually the bride and groom make those decisions.
I can't do the make up or look after all the kids either, as I have my own children and they are my responsibility first and foremost.

I'll happily organise your hen and do a speech.
I totally understand if you want someone else to take on the role who might be more committed ( and more of a mug)"

And who the hell had 11 bridesmaids?

rookiemere · 26/11/2022 11:16

Cakecakecheese · 26/11/2022 10:48

Ask if the other bridesmaids can help, if not then resign. Tell her that as much as you want to be her MOH that's far too much for you to do on your own given your circumstances.

I wouldn't be asking the other bridesmaids as that normalises the outrageous demands.

I already organised a photographer for a wedding- my own - so I'm not doing it for anyone else's .

In some ways it's helpful that she has given a heads up that she'll be a bridezilla so early in the proceedings, as plenty of time for you to bow out and one of the 11 or was it 19 other bridesmaids to take your place should they be stupid enough to do so.

FancyANewID · 26/11/2022 11:22

Organising a hen do is pretty standard. So is the speech for some (assuming both B&G and MoH want a MoH speech).

That's it though. Talk of you making favours and arranging flowers, fittings and decorations is flat out bonkers.

I would be honest with her but to avoid WW3 would try to be diplomatic and fib a bit if needed (not that you should have to, but I would). Just call her and say you'd be delighted to be her MoH and of course would expect to be planning the hen do. However due to xyz (job, kids, distance, whatever) you really can't commit to doing the other things she's suggested and you wanted to let her know this far in advance.

Penguinsaregreat · 26/11/2022 11:30

The only thing I would do is organise the hen do.
She sounds completely unhinged. The flowers girls fathers can look out for them. No way would I be babysitter anyone else’s kids.

StripeyDeckchair · 26/11/2022 11:47

Wow, she is one CF

I would respond saying having never been involved in a wedding before I had no idea what might be expected. Due to distance & my own family commitments I will not be able to take on the items outlined.
I would also be clear that I would not be comfortable picking flowers, photographer etc as they are so key to the wedding a v much about bride & grooms taste. And you are not prepared to look after the children of total strangers when they will be present at the wedding.

If it means you are no longer NMOH or bridesmaid then so be it.

If this is her list now the only guarantee is that it will get longer & woe betide you if anything goes wrong or is not as the bride likes it.

twoshedsjackson · 26/11/2022 11:49

If your husband thinks it is "fine", I'd be thanking him warmly for volunteering his help......seriously, the time to let her know this is beyond you, and you are afraid of letting her down, is now, giving her nine months to rethink.
Accentuate the positive, tell her what you can do, but be equally clear about what is unrealistic.
If this doesn't suit, I'd polite step down now as MOH, again, giving her plenty of time to find someone else.

Overandunderit · 26/11/2022 11:51

"happy to run the hen do. I won't have time to do anything else, sorry. It sounds like you might need a wedding planner. Happy to step aside if one of the other bridesmaids want those duties"

Funkyslippers · 26/11/2022 11:54

It really does sound like a pisstake. I definitely wouldn't feel comfortable doing makeup for everyone. If she doesn't want to pay someone, why doesn't everyone just do their own?

FlamingJingleBells · 26/11/2022 11:55

Pull out now because theist of demands will only grow and stress you out. She should trim the 11 bridesmaids so she can afford hair and makeup artists. She basically wants a wedding planner on the cheap, bridezilla x 50000000.

Funkyslippers · 26/11/2022 12:02

thecatsthecats wow, what exactly did you have to do if you don't mind me asking? And was she grateful?

BeanieTeen · 26/11/2022 12:06

What an absolute CF your ‘friend’ is. I’d say no thanks, find someone else to be your skivvy, I mean ‘maid of honour’.

PeachCottonTree · 26/11/2022 12:07

I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing some of these things even if I did have the time. Far too many things can go wrong for a wedding. If the flowers, dresses or most importantly photos turn out to be a disaster she’s likely to blame you. Asking for your advice on these things isn’t unreasonable, getting your to make the final decisions and arrangements is. That’s her responsibility or she goes without these things if she can’t be bothered to organise them herself.

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 26/11/2022 12:17

Even if you can get it down to organising the hen weekend night, you could easily end up throwing that into chaos if you aren't there because your ds is in hospital. You really do need to be an optional bridesmaid or guest.

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