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Is this a reasonable amount of ‘jobs’ for a maid of honour?

303 replies

sorenlorenson1 · 26/11/2022 01:00

I’ve been asked by a close friend (since childhood) to be maid of honour at her wedding, this September.
She asked me last weekend, they had only announced their engagement a few days prior, but I immediately said yes and was happy to have been asked… however, I either am completely naive as to what I’ve let myself in for and this is the norm to expect from a maid of honour… OR it’s not the norm and is OTT…
Today, we spoke about the upcoming wedding in more detail.

Friend said ‘well obviously, you will be in charge of organising the hen weekend. I will send you the details of my friends you don’t know.’ (So 25 in total. 10 of these are mutual friends. The others I haven’t met or have met briefly.)

‘you will be in charge of organising the dress fittings for all bridesmaids. (11 adult bridesmaids. 2 flower girls aged 7/9) I’ll give you a list of Saturdays to pick from.’

‘I’ll be buying a gift for each bridesmaid but if I tell you what to get, you can order them and sort out as I won’t have the time to do it.’

’Help me pick a photographer / videographer. You can decide out of a few we both choose. I will trust your judgment on that obviously.’

’organise the flowers. I will send you some examples. So all you have to do is have a look at a few florists and their reviews, prices… and then just go from there.’

’I’ve got someone to do the hair but not the make up. I probably won’t have the money to be honest for make up. But on the day if you start early, you can do the make up for everyone.’

’if you’ve got the time, can you sort out some wedding favours for the table. Maybe make something.’

‘Keep an eye on the flower girls on the day. Their mums won’t be with them so need to keep them happy!’

‘After the best man speech, I will let you do one obviously.’

that’s everything she can think of ‘so far.’ 😭
I have never been a bridesmaid, let alone maid of honour… I did expect to have some input with the hen do… but the rest feels like she’s expecting me to be a wedding planner. 😐

I should definitely mention that I live a 3.5 hour drive away (I moved away from my home city 8 years ago.)
I love my friend dearly, and have always felt it to be a very equal friendship, despite the physical distance between us now. But I think she’s thinking that I have a LOT of spare time, due to not working.
But I have four children, one of them is severely disabled and requires round the clock care (hence I’m on mumsnet at 1am) and I don’t want to commit to every single thing, if I’m not able to deliver, due to being exhausted or in hospital with my son.
(happens often.)

My OH says it sounds reasonable and most
of these things I can organise easily enough from my phone…. What’s the verdict here??

is this expected of a MOH?
would I be unreasonable to say I can’t / don’t want to take responsibility for all of the above?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?


You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

Carlycat · 26/11/2022 12:27

She's taking the piss

SavageTomato · 26/11/2022 12:28

I really hope this is a made up post, because it's giving me rage. Assuming it's real, here goes:

There are two CFs here, one is the unhinged bride who is treating you like an unpaid skivvy/PA/wedding planner/make up artist/babysitter. The other is your partner, who I'll wager has never organised anything like this, or even done a support type role like a PA. If it's so easy 'to just do from your phone', then he can do it, right? While you're doing your already full time role of mother to four children, one with major disability. I bet he's so used to you just juggling all of that and making it look easy that he is fucking clueless about what a big ask CF Bridezilla is making - on top of all you already do.

Not sure if I'd explode or laugh at both of them. Maybe both at different times. Seriously, just step down from being MoH entirely. Even if it's 'just' the hen do, nothing you do will please everyone, especially not her, and you'll end up out of pocket as your only thanks for running around after madam while she floats around in her princess bubble. If she throws a strop your way, which I suspect, be ready to end the friendship, she can find another slave to do her bidding. Double figure number of bridesmaids, jfc... The other alternative is, treat it like the job it would be and charge £50 per hour for your services and bill for every 15 minutes you even think about the whole farce. I mean it, that's the level of work she's expecting.

forrestgreen · 26/11/2022 12:47

'Df, I was so flattered to be asked to be your maid of honour I immediately said yes. After going through the role with you, I will have to sadly decline. There's no way I can do your wedding justice with four children, one of which needs round the clock care. I'm very much looking forward to enjoying your wedding as a guest'

She wants you to be a free
Wedding planner
Make up artist
Can't remember anything else but none of those are roles for a moh.

Lcb123 · 26/11/2022 12:51

Organising hen do is pretty typical. Otherwise that’s a bit OTT. Why isn’t she organising / making decisions with her fiancé? My bridesmaids organised my hen as a surprise but didn’t do much else

FluffyWorm · 26/11/2022 13:01

I don't think I'd even want to be friends with someone so entitled and thoughtless. Tell her as soon as you can that you'd be happy to organise the hen but you don't have time or energy to do the rest.

antelopevalley · 26/11/2022 13:33

I would say sorry I have never even been a bridesmaid before and I did not realise what was involved in being a MOH. I don't have time to do all those things, so sadly I will have to decline.

Traditionally the MOH organises the hen do and looks after the young bridesmaids before and during the actual ceremony. The rest is not a MOH job. I think in this case the MOH job will only increase and she will give you more and more to do. I would bow out now.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 26/11/2022 14:29

Also your husband is deluded if he thinks you can do all this without it impacting him / your family. There is a reason why people get really stressed organising their own wedding and book it a year in advance. There is a reason why people get wedding planners. Even organising flowers - choosing a budget, a theme, establishinf exactly what the bride wants, contacting florists, getting quotes, checking with the bride, (which will probably be a few times if she hasnt been involved in the original discussions tablet what she can get for her budget) organising payment, delivery, placement in the venue, distributing to all the bridesmaids and people wearing button holes on the day, etc etc etc is a full days work at least.

I really think your friend has been a shit for trying to dump all this on you...its such a huge favour to ask and it wasnt even done nicely. I think whatever happens I'm not sure your friendship will be the same after.

Has she ever shown signs of being a cheeky fucker before?

EmmaDilemma5 · 26/11/2022 14:42

You're setting yourself up to fail if you agree to this.

"Dear friend, I'm so happy I'm your maid of honour and I'm so excited for the wedding! I'll get on with ideas for the hen do and will report back. Happy to do all of the arrangements of course, do you know if anyone will have a particular budget?

Regarding the flowers and photographer, I'll leave that to you as I wouldn't wan that responsibility; it's your wedding and you should have the flowers and photos that you and fiance choose.

I'll definitely watch out for the young bridesmaids.

Im also happy to buy the gifts once you've decided what you want.

Unfortunately I can't commit to the make up as with *insert children names, I may be needed last minute and I'd hate to leave everyone without make up. I hope that won't happen but you never know so definitely best to get a makeup artist or prepare everyone to do their own on the day.

I hope that's all ok. Really can't wait!"

Yes, she's getting married, yes you're a good friend. But you aren't a skivvy and if SHE choses to get married in such a way, then SHE needs to put the hard work in.

All of the headache of weddings is why I'm never having one!

ThisIsWhyWeCantHaveNiceThings · 26/11/2022 15:06

I think organising the hen do is standard. Everything else ... it's a bit much. My MoH was amazing and helped me with so much. But she was HELPING me. Not doing it for me. She was more my sounding board, than actually making any decisions.

TheSausageKingofChicago · 26/11/2022 15:07

Ive changed my mind. I posted after a lovely evening in the pub with close friends! It’s too much. Tell her what you are prepared to do (hen do and dress fluffing on the day) and she’ll have to sort the rest out herself

sueelleker · 26/11/2022 15:33

Your so called friend is taking the fucking piss and treating you like an unpaid wedding planner. It won’t stop there! You’ll be decorating the venue next.
Wait until she asks you to make a 5 tier wedding cake "as your present to her"! :D

thecatsthecats · 26/11/2022 17:59

Funkyslippers · 26/11/2022 12:02

thecatsthecats wow, what exactly did you have to do if you don't mind me asking? And was she grateful?

Well, I'll try not to be too specific, because it's outing, but basically I was up and about doing physical labour - putting things out, clearing rooms, change overs, managing the (far too small) catering staff, decorating rooms, clearing rooms etc - for about 8 hours on the day. I had to get dressed and ready for photos in under ten minutes.

My husband was helping for the six hours after I'd done the photo - same work.

I had a thank you gift (small, in the circumstances), but what really pissed me off is that they thanked lots of people, but didn't include my husband, who was a planned part of the help, and who is an old friend of theirs too.

Still waiting for the thank you card.

(for balance - I had a DIY wedding myself, and they each had a small role to take part - I thanked them profusely, got gifts and sent a long thank you note within a month of being back from honeymoon)

KindergartenKop · 26/11/2022 18:21

Imho, your job is to organise the hen do and if she's got a ridiculous dress then to help her wee on the big day. That's it .

SexTrainGlue · 26/11/2022 19:10

I think it's normal for MoH to organise hen do and, with the other adult bridesmaids, to look after flower girls from the point their parents drop them off to get ready until after the ceremony/photos. At which point they go back to parents.
Also to assist the bride on the day (getting ready together, helping her manage her dress when she does to the loo etc)

Rest is definitely taking the piss.

And yes, I think she's setting you up to be the scapegoat of any Stuff goes wrong (partic the photos)

RedAndBlueStripedGolfingUmbrella · 26/11/2022 19:42

Has she got maid of honour and wedding planner roles mixed up?! 😳😂
She's taking the piss!
No chance.

Erictheavocado · 26/11/2022 20:45

I recently helped out with a couple of things for DC and DIL's wedding, one of which was making the favours. It took me several weeks , a couple of hours after work each day. I was very happy to do it, offered to help in fact. My point is that just that one job took far more time than I had anticipated, and I don't have any young children at home to care for, let alone one who is disabled and needs extra care. I agree with pps who think your friend is making ridiculous demands on you.

Geranium1984 · 26/11/2022 21:21

Sounds like you're organising the whole wedding!!
Hen do and maybe finding a make up artist would be reasonable but flowers and photography should be the bride and groom. Is such a personal thing and will involve negotiating money etc.
Sounds like the bride needs to get a wedding planner!!

Abraxan · 26/11/2022 21:26

TheSausageKingofChicago · 26/11/2022 01:08

It sounds like quite a big wedding if she’s having 11 bridesmaids? She’ll need a hand. Many of those things sound ok, but the videographer I’d expect to be a second opinion rather than the lead.
I wouldn’t be keen on being in charge of makeup. Or paying for things she wanted. But in a big wedding, the MoH is going to be a fairly big role.
Do you feel overwhelmed by it? It does feel like a big commitment but I’d do most of that for someone I loved.

Why does she need someone else, other than the groom, to,give her a hand?

It's only a big wedding if that's what she and her partner have chosen.

If she really needs help then I assume she and the groom have family.

OP, the bride is already becoming a bridezilla- I suspect it's only going to get worse!

Gazelda · 26/11/2022 21:49

Delegation is key.

MOh delegates to

Bridesmaid 1 - hen venue
Bridesmaid 2 - hen entertainment
Bridesmaid 3 - hen finances
Bridesmaid 4 - flowers
Bridesmaid 5 - photographer
Bridesmaid 6 - dress fitting appointments
Bridesmaids 8&9 - flower girl supervision
Bridesmaids 10&11 - favours
Flower girl 1 - everyone's make up on the day
Flower girl 2 - is given bride's credit card and access to Claire's Accessories to order bridesmaids gifts.

MOH supervises and reprimands all bridesmaids who are tempted to slack. MOH does speech and takes all the glory.

Bride pays MOH 5,000 for consultancy fee/wedding planning.

shrunkenhead · 26/11/2022 22:05

As for "favours", never seen the point. Who wants a bag of sugar coated almonds anyway?! They're pointless and not appreciated by guests. Save yourself at least one job and talk her out of that.

RampantIvy · 26/11/2022 23:57

I agree @shrunkenhead. IMO wedding favours are a complete waste of money.

A good wedding has plenty of food and drink and a comfortable ambient temperature.

sorenlorenson1 · 27/11/2022 18:54

MerryMarigold · 26/11/2022 04:50

Oh OP, you sound like a very nice person so I'm not surprised she's picked you for this position and long list of jobs/ major decisions. Are you creative so did she think you'd really enjoy these jobs or does she think, here's someone who can't say no?

I would thank her that she's given you an early heads up. Say that you really can't do these things but you're ok with her finding a different maid of honour out of her bridesmaids who would maybe like to do these jobs (not likely but you will have more fun with Jess responsibility!). I'm not sure if you usually struggle with boundaries but you really need them very strongly with someone like this.

Good luck!!

Thank you 😊 yes, she knows I like to make things and I’m fairly crafty…. But not to the extent that I want to be responsible for making wedding favours- with no clue as to what to she wants me to make. Whole thing is making my head spin. 🙈

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 27/11/2022 18:57

Have you told her that you aren't her wedding planner yet?

Grumpusaurus · 27/11/2022 23:20

The only way to surpass this level of CFery is to expect uninvited folk to decorate the entire wedding venue. Although there is a precedent for that on MN 😄

sorenlorenson1 · 28/11/2022 00:31

We spoke at 9pm this evening…. And I told her. 🙈
She was really surprised and said she thought I would enjoy doing all of that, as I’m always wanting to get ‘stuck into new projects’ - that would be decorating our house to be honest… or making a world book day costume for one of my kids… not wedding planning 🤣
She did also try to say that all money would have been provided upfront, and that she’s definitely not a bridezilla. She’s very easy going and not fussy, hence saying I could choose the flowers… photographer… make favours etc etc.
I can say that part if true- she really is quite easy going… but the fun part of my own wedding was to choose all those things with my husband to be, not just lazily ask my mate to sort it all out.. I was honest and just said I would not like to be choosing these things- I will happily chat weddings with her, and give my opinions if she really wants that, but I am not making final decisions on anything. That is for her to do. Also, I reminded her of my actual day to day life… I live on a few hours of sleep a night. My days can turn upside down within hours. One minute, all is well and the next my son is unwell and we are in hospital. I have a lot of appointments - at least one a week for my son. I have to be at home when he’s at school, in case of emergency. I have to drop my own plans, cancel meet ups with friends. Have even cancelled my own birthday meal once, and that unfortunately is out of my control. I would not like the responsibility of planning a wedding and then having to just stop doing something and ruin it all… on top of that, I have the usual things to do in the house and 3 other children (all healthy children but obviously have their own needs to be met too!)
I am forever having to explain my life to people that just don’t seem to realise how hectic it is.
Even my own family members and friends. They say how ‘lucky’ I am to not work. They say I’m ‘lucky’ to have a disability car and how much money I must save from not having to pay the insurance…. How lucky I am that my son receives full DLA and I get universal credit, that disregards much of my husbands income due to my sons disability… and basically what I am paid each month would be similar to take home pay in a full time minimum wage job… but they don’t ‘get it.’
it is not the life I chose and no one would choose it. I would keep my son as he is in many ways, but would take away all his health issues… I would rather not have a car than have a ‘free’ one because I have a sick child…
I would have loved to have started the career I planned on… but I never had the chance.
I am exhausted and I guess people don’t see that, I must mask it well.

sorry that turned into such a pity party post, but it felt good to let it out. So thank you for listening. 🙈

I feel like I need to justify why I can’t do this that and the other. All the time.

we have left it at me just sorting out the hen party, and of course being there for my friend all day (NO babysitting random kids either) I think she is still surprised. But it’s time I put my foot down now and my friends and family realise I am not just sat home all day twiddling my thumbs…

OP posts:
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