Is this a reasonable amount of ‘jobs’ for a maid of honour?

[sorenlorenson1]

I’ve been asked by a close friend (since childhood) to be maid of honour at her wedding, this September.
She asked me last weekend, they had only announced their engagement a few days prior, but I immediately said yes and was happy to have been asked… however, I either am completely naive as to what I’ve let myself in for and this is the norm to expect from a maid of honour… OR it’s not the norm and is OTT…
Today, we spoke about the upcoming wedding in more detail.

Friend said ‘well obviously, you will be in charge of organising the hen weekend. I will send you the details of my friends you don’t know.’ (So 25 in total. 10 of these are mutual friends. The others I haven’t met or have met briefly.)

‘you will be in charge of organising the dress fittings for all bridesmaids. (11 adult bridesmaids. 2 flower girls aged 7/9) I’ll give you a list of Saturdays to pick from.’

‘I’ll be buying a gift for each bridesmaid but if I tell you what to get, you can order them and sort out as I won’t have the time to do it.’

’Help me pick a photographer / videographer. You can decide out of a few we both choose. I will trust your judgment on that obviously.’

’organise the flowers. I will send you some examples. So all you have to do is have a look at a few florists and their reviews, prices… and then just go from there.’

’I’ve got someone to do the hair but not the make up. I probably won’t have the money to be honest for make up. But on the day if you start early, you can do the make up for everyone.’

’if you’ve got the time, can you sort out some wedding favours for the table. Maybe make something.’

‘Keep an eye on the flower girls on the day. Their mums won’t be with them so need to keep them happy!’

‘After the best man speech, I will let you do one obviously.’

that’s everything she can think of ‘so far.’ 😭
I have never been a bridesmaid, let alone maid of honour… I did expect to have some input with the hen do… but the rest feels like she’s expecting me to be a wedding planner. 😐

I should definitely mention that I live a 3.5 hour drive away (I moved away from my home city 8 years ago.)
I love my friend dearly, and have always felt it to be a very equal friendship, despite the physical distance between us now. But I think she’s thinking that I have a LOT of spare time, due to not working.
But I have four children, one of them is severely disabled and requires round the clock care (hence I’m on mumsnet at 1am) and I don’t want to commit to every single thing, if I’m not able to deliver, due to being exhausted or in hospital with my son.
(happens often.)

My OH says it sounds reasonable and most
of these things I can organise easily enough from my phone…. What’s the verdict here??

is this expected of a MOH?
would I be unreasonable to say I can’t / don’t want to take responsibility for all of the above?

[PickyEaters]

Yes, I agree with the hen do…get a group chat together and throw some ideas around

Oh god, do not do this whatever you do. There is no way a group of 10 vaguely associated women will be of one mind on this... you'll have some insisting on everyone wearing pink, loads saying they can't afford whatever anyone suggests and at least one demanding a stripper.

Find out what the bride wants, set an agenda and invite them. Let them know they can join for part(s) of the day/evening if they wish. Get the money upfront. Job done.

[GlasgowGal82]

Organising the hen do and keeping tabs on the flower girls immediately before and during the ceremony seem reasonable. Everything else is on the bride and groom!

[Sennelier1]

My daughter had 5 bridesmaids who all knew each-other and arranged everything bridesmaidrelated that needed to be arranged between them. There were 6 flowergirls and I took care of them. My daughter did everything else herself. It was a beautiful wedding and everybody was happy 😊

[Squiff70]

Being a MoH should feel like a privilege, not a chore (or several). Pick 2-3 that you feel comfortable organising and tell her you also have time constraints.

About 18 years ago a 'friend' asked me to be her MoH. I was asked to find AND PAY FOR dresses/shoes/accessories for all 3 bridesmaids as well as gifts for each of them. I have no idea what the hell I was thinking but did as I was asked. She ditched the 'friendship' soon after the wedding with a load of excuses which weren't in any way true.

Never again have I or will I allow myself to be treated like such a doormat.

Be polite if you value the friendship but don't allow her to use you in this way.

[GillsMc]

Been a bridesmaid many times, you organise the hen, they bride and groom organise the wedding.

[Outdoorable]

1. Hen do - YES (sadly)
2. Organising dress fittings - NO - bride or MOB job
3. Ordering bridesmaid gifts - NO - bride job
4. Help picking photograph - NO - brides and groom job
5. Organise the flowers - NO - bride and groom and/or parents
6. Make up for everyone - NO - they can do their own, you can work together
7. Wedding favours - NO - bride and groom
8. Keeping eye on flower girls - YES -(along with other bridesmaids)
9. Speech - NO - only if you want to do one

I think your friend has got a bit carried away...fine to help/offer moral support with the decisions but she seems to be offloading a lot of her wedding planning on to you!

[Sandra1984]

Total pisstake. You are a maid of honour, you are not being paid to be her personal assistant nor her wedding organiser (and that costs a lot of money). Tell her you'll be more than happy to attend her wedding and be her maid of honour but that's it, you already have a lot of responsabilities in your life. The way you see this is a fun day out with friends and family celebrating a wedding more than that would sound like hard work and I'm pretty sure you already work a lot.

Politely tell her to feck off.

[viques]

Tell her you are very flattered, but that with your other commitments and her bat shit expectations you are happy to tag along as one of the 5000 lesser bridesmaids .

if you accept being maid of honour remember that every teeny tiny little thing that goes wrong, from one or more of the other bridesmaids getting pregnant, the flower girls breaking an arm, the caterers going bust, the weather, the groom getting rat arsed on his stag night and shaving off his hair, her MIL insisting on wearing orange will be your fault.

[viques]

Read your update. Common sense has prevailed, is this really a MN wedding thread!

[Beachloveramy]

Hen do yes - I recruited one of our other close friends to help on my best friends hen.
If you need ideas, we did a spa hotel with a treatment, made a scavenger hunt then just a night out.

Help pick flowers is a nice idea, I’d go for that.
Arrange bridesmaid fittings - another group chat.

The rest - no!

[RachelGreeneGreep]

Glad it's resolved.

I would have a concern though that your friend might see the thread and be a bit upset about it?

[Outdoorable]

@viques

Read your update. Common sense has prevailed, is this really a MN wedding thread!

Oops - I didn't before posting...

Well done @sorenlorenson1 ! I hope organising the hen isn't too painful - there are certainly plenty of hen-do threads on here to help avoid the common pitfalls.

[JayJayYoYo]

Tell her to eff off. She is only going to get worse as the wedding comes closer.

[slowquickstep]

What a CF, your job and only job is to attend to the bride on the morning of her wedding. Tell her to jog on.

[HadEnough798]

I think you need to be proactive and nip it in the bud. That is a crazy amount of jobs - just the hen do is reasonable (and is stressful enough if you are organising it by yourself).

I was MOH and did hen do plus a few extras (helping her pick dress, looking at her two options of photographer and giving opinion) but she was very appreciative and went on about how it wasn't expected! And ultimately I didn't have the responsibility for any of those things, I was an extra.

You need to act on it now - 'I'm so excited and grateful to be your Maid of Honour but I'm a bit concerned that I won't have time to live up to your expectations. I will absolutely organise the hen do and would love to help you with makeup on the day (although lots of pressure, eek!) but to be honest I'm not sure I'll have time to help with all the other bits.'

She then has the choice to either keep you if you being MOH is important to her, or if she's using you as an unpaid wedding planner that will quickly be obvious...

[HadEnough798]

Read your update... good! Well done you for putting your foot down!!

[ethelredonagoodday]

I didn't even get to the end of the list, due to the length of it...

Hen do, yes, everything else, no!

If they want a wedding planner, they should pay for one! 😵‍💫

[rookiemere]

For Hen Do only make arrangements that do not cost other people more when someone drops out.

So cancellable hotel may seem dearer than beautiful rental, but assume that at least 20% of people will drop out to get true cost. Also assume that if you've signed your name as main booker then you'll end up paying any additional charges from change in numbers.

Therefore tell people date and location- agree with B2B - and ask them to book their own rooms/ make their own room share arrangements. Same if flights are involved.

Book anything else much closer to the time and get deposits in advance. Do not book anything until everyone has paid.

Personally I'd keep the decorations and extra spends to a minimum- you will all need to pay for the B2B so tell them that up front so it's not a surprise.

25 people will not come, she'll be lucky to get 10 along.

[randomusername666]

I'd reply... : thanks for sending me a list of jobs to choose from. I'll be able to help with the hen do of course, but due to my full time job as mother of 4 including a disabled child who as you know needs a lot of attention, I just can't commit to any of the other jobs on your list. Hopefully the other bridesmaids and groom will be able step up as well. Where do you want to go for your hen night?
Love..... '

[Veryxonfused]

That sounds like hell, I’d say no thanks

[billy1966]

What a stressful OP to read.

Thats no friend.

She is ghastly.

Only a complete user would suggest this of a childless woman, much less a woman with 4 children and one with additional needs.

Really a whole new level of selfishness and CFxxkery.

Have a careful think about this friendship, because she's no friend.

If you do get caught to organise a Hen, save yourself a LOT of trouble by setting up a WhatsApp group, choose a hotel/flight and TELL everyone to book and pay for themselves.

DO NOT get involved with money and pre booking, a disaster waiting to happen with a bunch of people you don't know.

So many threads of people foolishly getting caught for money, by pre paying in advance for others.

If people really want to attend a hen they will book and pay for themselves directly.

Well done for saying no.

Only a CF would have tried to catch a friend out like that.

Watch out.

[midsomermurderess]

Your friend sounds like Laura from Him & Her. You’ll have an enemy for life if she thinks you haven’t stepped up sufficiently.

[surreygirl1987]

Whoah. Sounds like she wants a wedding planner, not a MoH.

[JudgeJ]

@sorenlorenson1

I’ve been asked by a close friend (since childhood) to be maid of honour at her wedding, this September.
She asked me last weekend, they had only announced their engagement a few days prior, but I immediately said yes and was happy to have been asked… however, I either am completely naive as to what I’ve let myself in for and this is the norm to expect from a maid of honour… OR it’s not the norm and is OTT…
Today, we spoke about the upcoming wedding in more detail.

Friend said ‘well obviously, you will be in charge of organising the hen weekend. I will send you the details of my friends you don’t know.’ (So 25 in total. 10 of these are mutual friends. The others I haven’t met or have met briefly.)

‘you will be in charge of organising the dress fittings for all bridesmaids. (11 adult bridesmaids. 2 flower girls aged 7/9) I’ll give you a list of Saturdays to pick from.’

‘I’ll be buying a gift for each bridesmaid but if I tell you what to get, you can order them and sort out as I won’t have the time to do it.’

’Help me pick a photographer / videographer. You can decide out of a few we both choose. I will trust your judgment on that obviously.’

’organise the flowers. I will send you some examples. So all you have to do is have a look at a few florists and their reviews, prices… and then just go from there.’

’I’ve got someone to do the hair but not the make up. I probably won’t have the money to be honest for make up. But on the day if you start early, you can do the make up for everyone.’

’if you’ve got the time, can you sort out some wedding favours for the table. Maybe make something.’

‘Keep an eye on the flower girls on the day. Their mums won’t be with them so need to keep them happy!’

‘After the best man speech, I will let you do one obviously.’

that’s everything she can think of ‘so far.’ 😭
I have never been a bridesmaid, let alone maid of honour… I did expect to have some input with the hen do… but the rest feels like she’s expecting me to be a wedding planner. 😐

I should definitely mention that I live a 3.5 hour drive away (I moved away from my home city 8 years ago.)
I love my friend dearly, and have always felt it to be a very equal friendship, despite the physical distance between us now. But I think she’s thinking that I have a LOT of spare time, due to not working.
But I have four children, one of them is severely disabled and requires round the clock care (hence I’m on mumsnet at 1am) and I don’t want to commit to every single thing, if I’m not able to deliver, due to being exhausted or in hospital with my son.
(happens often.)

My OH says it sounds reasonable and most
of these things I can organise easily enough from my phone…. What’s the verdict here??

is this expected of a MOH?
would I be unreasonable to say I can’t / don’t want to take responsibility for all of the above?

Ate you MOH or a Wedding Co-ordinator? Sounds a ridiculous amount of planning to dump on you and who on earth has 11 adult bridesmaids or was that a typo for 1? I'd be tempted to ask her 'And shall I do the wedding night for you too?'

[Managinggenzoclock]

The list sounds not totally out of the ordinary but hats often because it’s a family member like your sister. My maid of honour did nothing at all but I think that’s probably at the other end of the scale. Just say what you can do. I think hen do is fairly established norm and also keeping an eye on flower girls. The rest you can say no to, in my view.