Is this a reasonable amount of ‘jobs’ for a maid of honour?

[sorenlorenson1]

I’ve been asked by a close friend (since childhood) to be maid of honour at her wedding, this September.
She asked me last weekend, they had only announced their engagement a few days prior, but I immediately said yes and was happy to have been asked… however, I either am completely naive as to what I’ve let myself in for and this is the norm to expect from a maid of honour… OR it’s not the norm and is OTT…
Today, we spoke about the upcoming wedding in more detail.

Friend said ‘well obviously, you will be in charge of organising the hen weekend. I will send you the details of my friends you don’t know.’ (So 25 in total. 10 of these are mutual friends. The others I haven’t met or have met briefly.)

‘you will be in charge of organising the dress fittings for all bridesmaids. (11 adult bridesmaids. 2 flower girls aged 7/9) I’ll give you a list of Saturdays to pick from.’

‘I’ll be buying a gift for each bridesmaid but if I tell you what to get, you can order them and sort out as I won’t have the time to do it.’

’Help me pick a photographer / videographer. You can decide out of a few we both choose. I will trust your judgment on that obviously.’

’organise the flowers. I will send you some examples. So all you have to do is have a look at a few florists and their reviews, prices… and then just go from there.’

’I’ve got someone to do the hair but not the make up. I probably won’t have the money to be honest for make up. But on the day if you start early, you can do the make up for everyone.’

’if you’ve got the time, can you sort out some wedding favours for the table. Maybe make something.’

‘Keep an eye on the flower girls on the day. Their mums won’t be with them so need to keep them happy!’

‘After the best man speech, I will let you do one obviously.’

that’s everything she can think of ‘so far.’ 😭
I have never been a bridesmaid, let alone maid of honour… I did expect to have some input with the hen do… but the rest feels like she’s expecting me to be a wedding planner. 😐

I should definitely mention that I live a 3.5 hour drive away (I moved away from my home city 8 years ago.)
I love my friend dearly, and have always felt it to be a very equal friendship, despite the physical distance between us now. But I think she’s thinking that I have a LOT of spare time, due to not working.
But I have four children, one of them is severely disabled and requires round the clock care (hence I’m on mumsnet at 1am) and I don’t want to commit to every single thing, if I’m not able to deliver, due to being exhausted or in hospital with my son.
(happens often.)

My OH says it sounds reasonable and most
of these things I can organise easily enough from my phone…. What’s the verdict here??

is this expected of a MOH?
would I be unreasonable to say I can’t / don’t want to take responsibility for all of the above?

[SparkyBlue]

Well done for having a chat to her and sorting things out. You sound like a great level headed person . So often on here people will post and then refuse to actually tackle the issue they posted about. I've a child with additional needs nothing as severe as yours and it's the mental exhaustion that gets me.

[deeperthanallroses]

Well done on telling her! But I have to ask, wtf planet is your husband on?? Anyway, it’s great he’s so keen, so do me a favour. This weekend, take yourself off for the day. ‘Hi honey I spoke to xx and won’t do all that wedding work but I was just so bowled over you were so happy for me to sign up for that knowing you would have to look after the dc while I was off doing these million appointments. I don’t give you enough credit. So I’m finally out for the day Saturday and you can do your amazing dad act then. Thanks so much!!

[Purple52]

Where’s her mother?
a lot of those sound like mother(or father) of the bride responsibilities. …. As host.
more commonly now for the bride and from to do.

does the groom not get a day in anything?

are you choosing the position for wedding night too?!
anything other than the hen do and perhaps some surprises of your choice (balloons/confetti in the bedroom level surprises) I think it’s totally unreasonable !!

[TofuonToast]

@sorenlorenson1

Only 2 and they are 7/9 (or maybe 8) so I wouldn’t think they should need much looking after solely by me. Hopefully the other adult bridesmaids could share that job.😐

The only adults who should be looking after then are their parents! Fuck that. And fuck this. I’d organise the hen and fuss over the bride on the day but that’s it. Choose the flowers?! Okay then. I’ll choose a cacti theme.

[Lisa411980]

I'm going to be brutally honest this year I was a MOH and I honestly I wished I'd never done it and will never do it again NEVER. On the hen do I made gift bags for everyone and organised the whole thing plus the stag do and did gift bags for them plus tshirts for everyone and only charged them half the price cost ne and absolute fortune 1 of the girls on the hen do moaned the whole time about everything asked questions about everything and I'm not on about normal things example we went abroad for the hen do I was literally updating everyone almost everyday and everyday she had numerous questions like how we getting to the airport I'd already arranged this and it was on the chat how much are the tshirts again I put the price on. When we get there are we going out again this was on the chat. I'd also given everyone a basic list of what to take. She then messaged what else should I take I told everyone it's up to them I was just giving them the basics. Then she replied well I'm not taking this this and this I said that's fine she then messages the bride why is your MOH not helping absolute piss take the whole holiday I was as nice as I could be got back and got nothing but abuse of the bride she said some very horrible things I told her I would step down as MOH and that I wouldn't be going to her uk hen do. A week later she's messaging me saying she's sorry apparently 1 of the other girls told her what her friend was doing on holiday and she didn't realise apparently I got the blame for everything and you know what's worse she's my sister-in-law and beloved her friend than me NEVER NEVER AGAIN get out of it now if you can and tell her that it would be unfair on her to take on the role as you couldn't fully commit xx

[Charlene1marie]

Hen do yes, but the rest is ott! Photos are her and partners area, as are flowers. Why does she think you can do everyone's makeup? Can you all chip in and pay for a mua?
I would expect all bridesmaids to help with the flower girls until they can be reunited with parents later on ie with getting ready, being in the right place for photos etc.
Table wedding favours - bride organises what she is having and you can have a bridesmaids evening making/sorting them With the bride!!! This is not all on MOH!!!
Good luck

[ancientgran]

I'd laugh in her face. She must be mad.

[silverbubbles]

Ask her where on earth she got the idea from that you could possibly do all this?

You should organise the hen do.

Suggest the child bridesmaids do the make up - they would jump at the opportunity.

[1983Louise]

Walk away now and don't take her phone calls, it'll only get worse 😀. Can you say on hindsight with the distance between you, your children, work commitments etc it'll be too much but your happy to arrange the hen do 😊

[ArrrMeHearties]

I'd be telling her to find a new maid of honour oh and to book a wedding planner

[TheShellBeach]

I wonder how you're supposed to look after the flower girls while you're doing everyone else's make-up, OP.

I also wonder what exactly the bride herself if going to be organising.

When I read that list I thought the post was a wind-up, but I know there are people like your friend, so I am sorry for you. Maybe you need to manage her expectations really early on and tell her plainly that you just can't do all the things she's suggested.

You're right. She's trying to use you as a wedding planner. Tell her now that it isn't feasible for you to do this. People without children (especially people without disabled children) generally do not realise how much time they take up.

She probably thinks you sit at home all day drinking tea and watching Netflix. Time to be assertive.

[TheShellBeach]

@Lisa411980

I'm going to be brutally honest this year I was a MOH and I honestly I wished I'd never done it and will never do it again NEVER. On the hen do I made gift bags for everyone and organised the whole thing plus the stag do and did gift bags for them plus tshirts for everyone and only charged them half the price cost ne and absolute fortune 1 of the girls on the hen do moaned the whole time about everything asked questions about everything and I'm not on about normal things example we went abroad for the hen do I was literally updating everyone almost everyday and everyday she had numerous questions like how we getting to the airport I'd already arranged this and it was on the chat how much are the tshirts again I put the price on. When we get there are we going out again this was on the chat. I'd also given everyone a basic list of what to take. She then messaged what else should I take I told everyone it's up to them I was just giving them the basics. Then she replied well I'm not taking this this and this I said that's fine she then messages the bride why is your MOH not helping absolute piss take the whole holiday I was as nice as I could be got back and got nothing but abuse of the bride she said some very horrible things I told her I would step down as MOH and that I wouldn't be going to her uk hen do. A week later she's messaging me saying she's sorry apparently 1 of the other girls told her what her friend was doing on holiday and she didn't realise apparently I got the blame for everything and you know what's worse she's my sister-in-law and beloved her friend than me NEVER NEVER AGAIN get out of it now if you can and tell her that it would be unfair on her to take on the role as you couldn't fully commit xx

Wow. And that was "only" organising the hen do? I'd be furious.

Imagine, OP, what chaos awaits you if you agree to do the hen do PLUS all the other things on the bride's list?

You would go completely mad and be filled with resentment long before the wedding.

[TheShellBeach]

Sorry, OP. I posted before reading your update.

I'm so glad you've spoken to your friend and clarified things and I hope all goes well with the hen-do.

[TheNumberfaker]

Organise hen do and watch over the younger bridesmaids and flower girls during the ceremony.

[ChilomenaPunk]

I think SIBU.

My (two) bridesmaids:

• one organised the hen do
• one did a speech
• came with me to choose their dresses (which I bought and they got to keep)
• turned up to my house on the morning of the wedding (actually one stayed over the night before as it was easier)
• enjoyed themselves!

[ChilomenaPunk]

Oh and the hen do was about 12 of us not 25.

[Tinker1292]

I was a moh for my sister and I did the hens. She had a couple for those who couldn't make the first etc. I also did make up on the day but I offered that. The rest is for the bride and groom to decide. You don't organise photography flowers or dress fittings she does. Sounds like she's asked you to be a party planner for free not a moh. Nip it in the bud now lovely instead of nearer the time because it will get more out of hand.. xxx

[ChilomenaPunk]

Well done, OP. Great update.

[DoraSpenlow]

Wow, things have certainly changed since I was a bride. All I expected my Matron of Honour to do was take my bouquet during the service. The hen night was at the local pub followed by a Chinese, which I booked. Talk about making things stressful!

[Zibbydib]

Sounds very similar to my cousin with her MOH. They’re no longer friends post wedding (take from that what you will).

Her demands got more and more and put so many unreasonable expectations on her MOH.

My advice would be to set your boundaries now!

[Northby]

I have been married, a maid of honour, and a bridesmaid several times. It’s customary to plan the hen do. It’s customary to help on the day and a day or two leading up. It’s customary to attend dress shopping and fittings if invited (but you aren’t obliged!). All of the things she is asking you to do - or rather assuming you will do - are over and above normal. I would never place that level of request on a friend and if someone did that to me I would think it’s totally unreasonable and politely say no, I’m sorry, I don’t have the time to do all of these tasks.

[H007]

Don’t forget you have the 11 adult bridesmaids to help you.

[BellePeppa]

She’s got you confused with a wedding planner. What a cheeky cow!

[TheOrigRights]

She has done you a massive favour by giving you this list now.
My advice would be to back out now while she still has time to find someone else.
You can be polite about it - make out it was your misunderstanding rather than her being an absolute piss taker, and that it would be very wrong of you to accept because you know you are unable to give up your life it the attention it needs due to you not being put on this earth as her devotee having other demands on your time.

[fancyacuppatea]

Thanks for the update OP.
Hopefully the Hen is local - or she might need to get someone else to organise it...You've too much on your plate day-to-day without having to factor in a long weekend in Ibiza.
for you...I have a tendency to kill