Would you tell whole school year your child is autistic?

[thegreentree]

Apologies if I've not quite used the right language around this but... DS attends a mainstream school, he is in reception and has an autism diagnosis.

This is more of a WWYD than an AIBU but DH and I a trying to figure out what would be best for DS...

• To wait until DS is old enough to understand he has ASD, and can choose who he wants to tell?

OR

• To let parents know now so they can hopefully explain to their DC why DS is different? And hopefully act in a more understanding way towards him.

DS is bright but I can see he is struggling socially at school. I'm increasingly starting to feel like it would be good to tell parents (we have an active all year what's app group that I would probably share it on). Just to give everyone some perspective/insight to why DS is a bit different, and to hopefully encourage their kids to be a bit kinder?

I don't know if this is naive. And once disclosed I can't take it back. I would be devastated if DS as he got older hated me for sharing this info about him so widely.

WWYD?

I don't think this is something you share like this. I think your ds might be open with his classmates if he wants. But telling the parents no. You are inviting all the dickheads to discriminate

Tough one. I'm not sure. I think I'd tell the parents of any children my child got close to, if it affected them in any way (e.g. if he was prone to meltdowns). Mine is ASD and I tend to tell professionals (teachers etc) but I haven't yet found a reason to tell any parents of friends he plays with. I don't think I'd want to tell the whole class though, some people won't see it as "that explains it" so much as not giving him a chance for his personality to shine through.

Easier said than done but I'm trying to get to a place (with his diagnosis and my own which is not ASD) where I don't feel I need to explain by way of an apology for all the ways we don't act NT, if that makes sense.

No. I would tell my child and explain how fantastic that made them. Lots of affirmations and little things they can quote to others. I would then leave them to tell their classmates as needed. Children with autism are often quite popular in class.

There is a girl with autism in my daughter’s class. She was very misunderstood for the first few months but then the parents decided to tell the other parents and we spoke to our kids about what the girl needed. Now she’s very integrated in the class.

I have an autistic DD and that would be an absolute no for me.

You can tell people on an individual, need to know basis if you feel it's necessary, but I certainly wouldn't be announcing it to the entire year, many of whom he won't have anything to do with. It's just not their business

A parent in my school did this and it was a huge success. The children had a lesson on what autism is and they accept him fully. Even in EYFS they were able to help him when he was getting anxious or couldn't cope with change. He has a great set of friends and they really accept him for who he is.

No, I would instead describe your child's issues eg "my child doesn't like crowded places," "my child needs time to get used to strangers" or whatever the issue may be.

I say this because autism is a broad spectrum and just saying your child is autistic does not help anyone understand her issues. Also you face misunderstandings or downright discrimination from parents who are either ignorant or desperate for their kids to be in with "the right crowd".

As your child gets older you can explain it to them and let them choose who to tell.

I have two children with autism and this approach is working for us though I appreciate everyone is different some people might prefer to be completely open about it.

Sorry I see it's your DS, not DD.

Don’t most classes have one or two children that have autism? It’s not unusual, so it would seem a bit odd for you to point it out like that I think. I think the reaction for the most part would be ‘so what?’ That would be my reaction anyway in all honesty.

I wouldn’t but then I appreciate I’m probably too closed off

Really tricky one. My nephew's parents are quite extreme (I think) in keeping his diagnosis very quiet, they don't like to tell people and discourage him from doing so. I believe they have good intentions (don't want him singled out or picked on) but unfortunately as he's grown older he's definitely got the impression that it's a shameful secret and this has had a big impact on his self worth. For this reason I probably would tell parents, so it's completely normalised for your DS and part of his identity from day 1.

As a teacher l always find it a tricky question. Some parents complain that the child with autism has done something to upset their child and l really wish they knew the child had autism so they could be a bit more understanding and explain to their child. If l were you I would say it to parents he has dealings with eg if going on a playdate or a special friend.
My ds had a boy in his class who had autism and l had to tell him at about aged 8 as other children were being mean. This meant he had more understanding and they became good friends with a similar interest in chess and complicated maths problems. I often felt it would have made life so much easier for that lad if more children knew. No way would my ds ever tell anyone as he knew it was personal information. I wasn't teaching in that school.
I have also taught children who knew quite early on that they had autism and they were quite vocal telling the others about it so that is probably the ideal scenario. A big discussion would arise as the others all questioned them curiously about what it meant. But that depends on his level of vocabulary etc.
But if its going to make life easier for your boy do tell.

I have an autistic DS and I tell people in general on a need to know basis but realistically its fairly obvious from his behaviour in the classroom that he is ND plus he had a special needs assistant and got movement breaks etc . Now he is in an asd class in a mainstream school (we moved schools this year) so its obvious he has additional needs as he is in the "sunflower " class for the majority of the day. I don't see the need to make it a big secret

Personally i wouldn't put this on the wattsapp group.
Id just tell certain parents as you need too, such as when arranging playdates or parties.

My ds was diagnosed in reception. I remember being furious that the SENCO came over to speak to me in the playground ( tbf it was a VERY gossipy, bitchy playground environment 😒)
Then I realised that the other kids would probably tell their parents about ds, and what he had done during the day. And they would probably draw their own conclusions.
It just feels so public though, like everyone knows your business…

One of my son's best friends in reception has ASD.

His mum didn't mention it to anyone. When it became clear the boys had formed a strong friendship she told me as we arranged a few play dates. She was really happy that her son had formed this friendship. She has an older son with ASD too who'd never really made friends in the same way.

Sadly they moved at the end of reception. My son misses his friend I think.

I personally think you should tell the other parents and kids.

There is a boy in my sons class. He was quite obviously autistic from nursery age. I think his parents were hoping hed grow out of his behaviours initially.

Then he was being assessed and it was being shrouded in secrecy by his parents. I was hoping for him to get diagnosed and for the kids to be told so that they would understand why he was different.

As it stood, the boy became more and more isolated because the kids didnt understand why he was different and just thought he was (sorry to say) weird. I tried to explain about difference without putting a label on it and tried to include the lad but by that point all the kids had decided he was odd. I also feel the school didnt do anywhere near enough to support him and help him to fit in better.

I really think an earlier diagnosis and an open disclosure about it wouldve been in his best interests.

I always thought id tell people, because to me its not a negative. Its just a descriptor for my son, like hes Autistic, my daughters super good at languages.
But recently ive changed my mind. Ive told a few people and get "oh the poor lad" " oh im so sorry etc", almost like Ive announced a life limiting illness. And i dont want him to be pitied.
Hes popular in his preschool class, going to big school next year, mainstream, and ill tell people on a need to know basis only.

DS2 has just gone on the waiting list for assessment, and I'm open about that if it comes up in conversation. As I'm open about my autism, too. Because I'm fucking brilliant, and so is he.

I go from the stance if I don't hide my children's needs but I don't advertise them either. It's fairly obvious both are different and I generally mention if it arises that they have additional needs rather than what those needs are. I've found it has actually made people more understanding.

I don’t even know how I’d tell the whole school year my child has autism. It’s hardly something you put in a newsletter.

But anyway I think it’s better for the teacher to do any necessary work to help the children work with your son.

You're assuming that all these people would understand what it meant, how it affected him, and what it would be useful to do differently.

I guarantee that they won't.

A few might get it right. The vast majority will have their own understanding/knowledge gaps and will act on assumptions that are incorrect and unhelpful.

The only type of conversation I would ever advise would be along the lines of "when people do X it causes difficulties, therefore it is helpful if you can do Y instead".

Tell people what you need from them, don't share a diagnosis and expect them to reach the right conclusions about what to do from there. Even medical professionals don't.

And it’s not that I think it’s something to keep secret or be ashamed of. But in the same way I’d never announce to the entire year group that my child needs braces or likes horse riding, I don’t see why I’d announce any other information about my child to the year group.

Why would an open disclosure to all and sundry have been better for him?

You already knew he was autistic apparently - it was obvious. And the school should support to his needs, not his diagnosis. So why do you feel you needed his parents to share every step of diagnosis with you who had already decided anyway? And what if he hadn’t been autistic but had some other issue? It sounds like the children othered him and the school were useless, but having his diagnosis pathway announced to any nosy parent who feels they have the right to know wouldn’t have helped. He would still have been ‘odd’ even if you’d been sitting in on every single meeting they had.

But anyway I think it’s better for the teacher to do any necessary work to help the children work with your son.

I agree.