Would you tell whole school year your child is autistic?

[thegreentree]

Apologies if I've not quite used the right language around this but... DS attends a mainstream school, he is in reception and has an autism diagnosis.

This is more of a WWYD than an AIBU but DH and I a trying to figure out what would be best for DS...

• To wait until DS is old enough to understand he has ASD, and can choose who he wants to tell?

OR

• To let parents know now so they can hopefully explain to their DC why DS is different? And hopefully act in a more understanding way towards him.

DS is bright but I can see he is struggling socially at school. I'm increasingly starting to feel like it would be good to tell parents (we have an active all year what's app group that I would probably share it on). Just to give everyone some perspective/insight to why DS is a bit different, and to hopefully encourage their kids to be a bit kinder?

I don't know if this is naive. And once disclosed I can't take it back. I would be devastated if DS as he got older hated me for sharing this info about him so widely.

WWYD?

That you won’t use your imagination about why some children are withdrawn or anxious or hyperactive or lash out?

Of course you can in more extreme circumstances but I'm not going to assume every naughty, aggressive difficult, spoilt or brattish child has additional needs.

We talk about ds being autistic as it's not a secret. He knows he's autistic too. But I wouldn't announce it to all and sundry. Also prepare your self for the fact some parents are dicks regardless of wether they know about ur child's diagnosis.

I think you keep it on a need to know basis but don’t make it a secret. You will find that it slowly percolates through the parent population and your child’s differences will be accepted. If it’s already very obvious they might already know, if it’s not then it will probably become apparent as he gets older. My autistic DS is now 8, and when it comes up or is relevant I do tell other parents. Some are surprised, but maybe mostly because he presents fairly neurotypically most of the time (outside the house), or maybe because diagnosis is hard to get. Others are like well, yeah, duh! I think if he doesn’t yet know himself (and we told our child at about 7.5) then no need to WhatsApp it.

No. It was fairly obvious my son was autistic by the fact his 1-1 brought him out plus I’m sure his behaviour as well was a clue. Sen parents I’ve found arnt overly understanding themselves let alone parents whose children don’t have sen needs and are also guilty of excluding certain children from birthday parties ect. I’ve mentioned my sons diagnosis on a 1-1 basis in general conversation with a parent but wouldn’t dream of announcing it to everyone.
Theres at least two sen children in my daughters class. Ironically school did an assembly about bullying unfortunately my 5 year old now thinks one of those children is now a bully. Very tempted to mention it to school that their overall message has got lost somewhere.She also has sen needs as she has a severe speech disorder.

Nice concept of SN you have there @MilkyYay

OP is discussing autism. You seem to be talking about thugs. Not the same at all, old thing.

I am not remotely surprised nobody feels inclined to confide in you.

Also: you need to remember that it’s sensitive personal/medical info that belongs to him and he can’t consent about an announcement right now because he doesn’t have capacity to understand at that age. With my child we’ve said that it’s not something to announce. We’ve been very clear to make sure that he knows it’s not shameful, but that he can only tell people once and so he needs to think about when he is ready to share the information because he won’t be able to control what other people do with it.

Keep his diagnosis on a née to know basis, and talk about his needs with parents of his close friends without using the diagnosis. Just say DS has trouble with certain things, and list them. It’s best to keep things confidential, as you can’t unring a bell.

OP is discussing autism. You seem to be talking about thugs. Not the same at all, old thing.

DC had an autistic child in their class last year. Unfortunately they were struggling a lot and hurt other children. Like a pp, following a school discussion about bullying, my DC was left with the view this autistic child was a bully.

Young children can't distinguish between a child being wired differently and a child who is NT but badly behaved/poorly parented.

Where we live it doesnt seem the norm to be secretive about this. Several parents have openly informed me that their child is autistic/being assessed.

You don't need to excuse behaviour. You say, aw that shouldn't have happened or whatever, make sure you tell the teacher if it happens again, not everyone knows how to behave, have home lives that teach them how to behave etc. Acknowledge that it shouldn't have happened, teach them what to do if it does and explain that not all kids have the knowledge or the best guides to show them what to do or not do becasue kids aren't generally naughty for no reason.

It was important to me to teach my kids compassion and that life isn't black and white naughty kid/good kid. They are teens now and are really perceptive, they always stop and think and make their mates stop and think too before labelling someone bad or weird or stupid or whatever. There is a difference between excusing behaviour and understanding behaviour.

Nice concept of SN you have there

Are you suggesting:

• bad behaviour is non existent in NT children?
• that there's never any overlap between some bad behaviour exhibited by NT children and behaviours ND children may not be able to control?

Should i literally assume that every child who doesn't behave perfectly has SN? This seems an odd assumption.

Just sharing my personal experience - maybe I didn’t explain myself well.
From the brief times I saw him in the playground at the beginning and end of school, I had no idea what his diagnosis was so explaining his behaviour to my daughter was all guess work and platitudes. I just knew he needed a teaching assistant and was clearly finding starting school difficult as he was lashing out.

How exactly would it have been easier to explain “autism” to your child than to explain “impulse control”, or “sound sensitivity” for example

Because there's a difference between a child who simply cannot control an impulse and one who has made a choice not to because they don't expect consequences due to how they have been raised.

I will often explain things to my children as other children making poor choices and there's usually consequences i can point out (yes, tommy hit you and he had to go on the sad side of the wall chart/miss computer time, didnt he).

The conversation is different when the child who is autisitic hurts another child, because the school do not impose the usual consequences because they would exacerabate a situation. The other children simply see no consequences for the child who hurt them and are upset by perceived injustice.

This. My son thinks it is massively unfair that the boy in his class has allowances made for him and wonders why he doesnt get in trouble to the same level that he would if he did the same thing.

I have to give some wishy washy answer that doesnt explain it properly and my son ends up none the wiser.

I dont think its fair on anyome.

No.

Let him earn his own reputation for who he is - not what people might think of when they hear the word autism.

Some may have had an experience with a violent Autistic person and be afraid for their child's safety. Telling them to steer clear, to refuse to sit next to him.

Other parents may be worried their child will come home flapping and speaking poorly because they're playing/ copying your sons behaviour. They could guide this to mocking tone. Or saying things about him to try and deter them. Or again just tell them to stay away but because he's weird rather than for safety reasons as above. (Just want to make it clear I'm not saying anyone is weird, just possible ways I can envision parents reacting ).

Other children might over hear their parents talking about how autism is over diagnosed and how dramatic you are. Maybe the children will tell your son how silly he and his mummy is.

Others might be concerned their child will loose out on teaching time to deal with your son and prompt their child about whether or not yours was a nuisance and to let them know if he is so they can talk to the teacher.

I hope you can see that sending this text could make life very difficult for your son. I doubt it will have the outcome you want. Even if it works for some, there is no way thsy are not going to tell your DS he is autistic, I imagine you would like to be the one to tell him. Then the children will share their knowledge about autism, which might not make him feel great.

Just chat to the teacher if you feel he needs extra support in a particular area.

No I think you’re perfectly well aware what was nasty about that list of descriptors you reeled off upthread, while saying you wanted to help children with SN. Interesting then that it was all words like “brattish” and no mention of shy or isolated children with SN.

Right so then you can infer from the different treatment (lack of consequences) that the teacher is handling this differently for a reason and talk to your child about “impulse control” or whatever instead of “poor choices”.

Neither you nor your child need the diagnosis given to you or confirmed to you.

I don't understand, why are the choices tell everyone or not tell him?
Tell him and bring it up if relevant, oh and make sure the school know, not clear in the op if they know or not.
You just tell him from the get go, it's pet fo who he is and not telling him will make him think it is something shameful.

Interesting then that it was all words like “brattish” and no mention of shy or isolated children with SN

But thats because that behaviour rarely negatively affects others.

My view is its most helpful if you share information where doing so can help mitigate that.

Its the quieter, less obvious behaviours where knowing helps other parents be helpful. There's a child being obsessed in DC class atm. Masks amazingly at school then goes to pieces at home. Knowing about this helps us educate our children and help find ways to make that child's life easier, maybe reduce their need to mask etc, and hopefully improve things for them.

How are we supposed to try and meet needs if we don't know there are any?

You do what is right for you. My youngest has ASD and comes across very in your face. I have two older kids in special schools and personally I'm done explaining why my child can't go into school like her peers, seems in your face, is louder that all the other girls. I'm done with the parents who...

Recoil,
Pity me,
Think it's my parenting,
Think it can't be asd because that's "rainman'
Etc

Mentally exhausting. So many parents won't get it even if I explained.

The parent who DO get, don't need to be told. They already guessed.

So do what ever is best for you and DC. What other parents think is largely irrelevant I have decided. Plus there's ALWAYS someone who asks 'why do you think that?'

I don't think anything. A consultant paediatrician told me.

Even at my sons special school! After that I gave myself permission to give up. I don't owe anyone a explanation or apology for my children's diagnosis.

Plus lots of our parents are so wrapped up in their own busy lives you haven't even crossed that radar.

I find it offensive because it is offensive. Putting the name ‘autistic’ won’t suddenly make kids understand if they’re incapable of understanding the concept. And you still haven’t come up with any reasonable explanation for why you feel you (a random classmate’s parent) are entitled to know children’s private information to make it ‘easier’ to explain to your child.

We wanted ds to know first and make his own decisions but looking back I think we were wrong. We were still seeing it as an explanation of what was wrong with him. But autism is much more integral than that.,

He’s a teen now, and being open about it has been much better for him. He advocates for himself, even challenging his teachers when they’re being unconsciously ableist. Not rudely they’ve assured me.

But we had a rough couple of years where his challenges were escalating at school and at the same time he was grappling with an identity that seemed mostly about the negatives.

If I could have a do over I would have been open and matter of fact from the start, and faced down any prejudice and ignorance.

But thats because that behaviour rarely negatively affects others.

Right. So you claim you want to “help” DC with SN, but list a lot of nasty words to describe D.C. with SN, and when challenged you say you aren’t interested in helping the quiet D.C. suffering silently with SN. So really just want to condemn. Got it. 👍🏻

It doesn’t matter. If a child is a bully or if they are autistic, put the focus on your child. Every child prolifically hurting others will have a reason of some sort. You don’t need to know why x is hurting your child so you can explain it to them. You need to ask the school what will be done to protect your child so they aren’t hurt, regardless of the reasons the other child is lashing out.

And it doesn’t matter whether your child knows the other kid is NT. All they need to know is ‘if anyone hurts you, you must tell a teacher immediately and get help. It’s not ok for you to get hurt, and the teacher can help you and protect you.’

Neither you nor your child need the diagnosis given to you or confirmed to you.

Ok. But then know that with less obvious behaviours it will be much harder for most parents (who know fuck all about autism) to accomodate or tolerate a child's needs.

Because they could easily be confused in some instances as the wants of a NT child.

Eg Ed needs to sit on that same green spot for carpet time, every day, because that routine is established and enables him to tolerate school. Eva wants to sit on the pink one because its her favourite colour.

Tristan wants to eat only nutella sandwiches every day because he is 5 and mmmm chocolate. Tom cannot tolerate different foods and needs to eat that to meet his calorie requirements.

Not the same and shouldn't be treated the same, but how can other people tell if these are your child's wants or needs & accomodate accordingly?

Metalla you are quite deliberately and obtusely twisting my words. I really don't understand why.

but list a lot of nasty words to describe D.C. with SN. Reread the post. The whole point is they are words to describe NT children not behaving well out of choice.