Would you tell whole school year your child is autistic?

[thegreentree]

Apologies if I've not quite used the right language around this but... DS attends a mainstream school, he is in reception and has an autism diagnosis.

This is more of a WWYD than an AIBU but DH and I a trying to figure out what would be best for DS...

• To wait until DS is old enough to understand he has ASD, and can choose who he wants to tell?

OR

• To let parents know now so they can hopefully explain to their DC why DS is different? And hopefully act in a more understanding way towards him.

DS is bright but I can see he is struggling socially at school. I'm increasingly starting to feel like it would be good to tell parents (we have an active all year what's app group that I would probably share it on). Just to give everyone some perspective/insight to why DS is a bit different, and to hopefully encourage their kids to be a bit kinder?

I don't know if this is naive. And once disclosed I can't take it back. I would be devastated if DS as he got older hated me for sharing this info about him so widely.

WWYD?

When DD2 was in Year 2, there was a boy in her year who clearly had SEND. One morning, he charged up to her and put his hands around her throat and squeezed, digging his long nails in around her windpipe whilst saying he was going to rip her throat out (I think it was acting out from seeing inappropriate films).

Fortunately, I hadn't left the playground yet, so was able - with a lot of difficulty, as he was nearly five foot tall and about 8 stone to DD's 3 and a half foot/3 and a bit stone and so very, very strong - to force his fingers open and put myself between him and her so he couldn't get to her again when he kept trying, going to kick me for getting in his way. Because I could see the boy had SEND, I was a lot more reasonable about it when speaking to the Head shortly afterwards when I went into the office to say that I felt he needed to be supervised by either his Mum or a member of staff in the morning, as this behaviour didn't just put other children at risk, it put him at risk.

His main protection in this was being visibly different (and luck in not choosing some of the other children whose parents were far more likely to respond with overkill and most likely gone on to an extreme confrontation in the playground that afternoon - she stayed well away from me until the day he left the school, at any rate). DD's response that afternoon was that the Head had come down to see her to check that she was OK and yes, she'd been frightened but she knew he didn't understand what he was doing and was very glad she had been standing next to me when it happened.

Many ND children don't have such an obvious physical presentation, but can exhibit behaviour that is risky. Knowledge, for those children, could therefore prove to be protective.

Do you think those of us with children struggling at school aren’t ‘not resting until they take it seriously?’ Trying to deal with schools and how they deal with SEN doesn’t involve disclosing your child’s private information to every parent in the school to satisfy their curiosity. And it isn’t on parents to ‘make exceptions.’ It’s on schools to make reasonable adjustments - you as a parent of another child do not have the power to make classroom adjustments for children with autism.

I’ll ask again - do you expect every student’s private information, or just the autistic children? I presume you do require a full up to date list of all fostered or adopted children, so that you can explain their possibly difficult behaviour to your child with ‘in the care of the local authority’ to make it ‘easier’ for you? I suppose every child who has been involved in domestic violence should have it reported to you also? Because these can affect behaviour too, so obviously you have a right to be privy to all that information.

I think maybe @Dacadactyl is baiting deliberately.

'Many ND children don't have such an obvious physical presentation, but can exhibit behaviour that is risky. Knowledge, for those children, could therefore prove to be protective.'

So neurodiverse children who don't 'look disabled' should have their private medical information disclosed to all and sundry so that parents like you can guard your children from them?

That's placing the blame with the child and compromising their right to privacy.

It's up to the adults around them to keep them safe, and if necessary keep other children safe around them. If that's not happening then that doesn't mean mum should share a diagnosis on WhatsApp or whatever. That's not the problem. The problem is they're not being adequately supervised.

Nobody is owed medical information about a child, it is given on a need to know basis. I wouldn't say being a bit worried about little Johnny Stranglehands is reason for a medical disclosure. If he had a fit in the playground and an ambulance turned up I would probably tell the paramedics though.

I wouldn’t announce it on the WhatsApp group (mostly because I hate class WhatsApp groups!) but it’s common knowledge my son is autistic.

1. because it is NEVER something to be ashamed of or embarrassed about.
2. it clues people in to who they are dealing with (in the same way my wife will explain she is deaf- it is just more practical)
3. to not mention it means obfuscating a lot.

I understand parents worrying about their child being labelled, left out, not invited, teased etc, but I think it’s best to get it out there so the idiots show themselves and you know where you stand (and who to avoid).

Im a dyke in a wheelchair, I have met my fair share of people who dislike/misunderstand/are uncomfortable/talk down/are full on hateful and violent- the answer is never to hide or change who you are so they ‘accept’ you- your Son doesn’t need acceptance from those types of people.

I tell my son some people are dickheads, but that is their issue not yours. (Although maybe don’t say dickheads if he is five!)

My son is autistic, I didn't make a big announcement but I have always let people know on a 1-1 basis for things like parties/playdates etc. Sometimes during chats in the playground when talking about how the kids are doing generally or if something has happened in school.

He's not old enough to understand what it means yet but when he is I will explain it to him and never encourage him to hide it. He is beautiful, kind, funny and thoughtful and he just needs a bit of space and time to process things and some understanding in certain situations. Other children have mostly been lovely and kind and seem to just know that he needs space sometimes or don't bat an eyelid if he has a wobble about something. They know it's just his way and it's fine.

I think it helps for other parents to be aware. I wouldn't want a child to go home and say something negative about my son or his behaviour and have them respond unfairly towards him. I know of a parent who tells her children to stay away from and not play with certain children because of incidents in school.
If parent are aware that he's autistic they can (hopefully) respond in a way that helps their child to understand and learn.

You’d think that it’d benefit him if people knew and gave him a bit of understanding. I thought the same when my ds was little. Unfortunately time has taught me that a child who is inclined to be a bully anyway will seize the information and bully the shit out of your ds. Maybe not at 4yo, but soon. And the bullying will be directly sort of “autistic retard” comments. My ds had this said to him by a child who bullied anyone he identified as different. And then once the child realised what sort of stuff upset my ds, he did these things continually. Some parents will commiserate and say you’re amazing for dealing with him and some will even treat it as though it’s a terminal illness. I suppose they mean well. Only tell people on play dates etc or where necessary and do it 1:1 in a casual way.

I work with children who have autism, adhd, Down's syndrome, social anxiety, Tourette's, ocd and more... no one has announced any of these diagnosis's on whatsap as a 'big announcement'. Need to know basis surely. All children are different and have their own needs...

All my DC are Autistic, I don't see it as something I should share on their behalf, unless absolutely necessary. It's an important part of who they are and they should get to share that if and when they want to. DD pretty much tells everyone, DS1 was the first diagnosed, he didn't tell anyone or really talk about it till his siblings were diagnosed. The other 2 know they're Autistic but they're younger and it really doesn't mean much to them yet. Their teachers and therapists and the school know, sometimes I'd like to talk about it, but its not about me. If I felt it was absolutely necessary maybe, but then it would more be telling specific people not the whole class.

When my DC have had social issues or other struggles with something at school the first thing I do is speak to their teacher. Ask their advice, if they can help. They've always been eager to help my DC.

On an individual level some people will be supportive, a lot probably won't care, and some will use your DS diagnosis as a way to exclude him and blame him. If I know a child needs something specific or struggles with something or will only eat a certain list of foods or will literally race round for the whole of a play date I'll take that into account. My behaviour won't change because they have or don't have a diagnosis. I think a lot of people who would be accepting already will be and the kids that will be mean to him or the parents that will exclude him wont be kinder because they know he's Autistic.

Both my son's wanted to share their NDs and had the teachers tell the class during homeroom. It was a good move for them. They were older than your child though. I think it's generally a good thing.

Agree that need to know basis is key. Tbh, most parents will fall into one of three camps:

1. Know child well enough to have realised anyway
2. Know child and may be interested but probably on a need to know basis
3. Don’t and won’t know your child and likely won’t be interested anyway

The proportion of people you’d put into each group will depend on your circumstances, but tbh I would explicitly tell everyone in gp 1, make an effort to tell people in gp 2 but without a big announcement, not tell gp 3 without having told 1 and 2 and / or without an explicit reason to. But your child, your choice. Good luck.

@ChristmasisRuined "You mean your child has ASD. Not is.

My DD has ASD and the condition does not define them!"

I have seen different people use this interchangeably. and it seems to be based on personal preference. Some people say ASD is an integral part of who they are and use 'I am autistic' whereas others (seemingly like yourself) prefer to say 'has ASD'.

It seems to come down to personal preference, and I would never correct someone else on this.

Parents like me? What - ND ones? Physically disabled ones? Ones with ND spouses, siblings, children of their own? Ones who know how protective it can be to disclose a disability or medical condition in employment so when a new boss comes in and starts having a go about 'fake' issues or 'poor attitude', you can point put that you disclosed it at application? Ones who think 'fuck you, I don't have to be ashamed of anything'? Or, as in this instance, ones who know that there's also advantage in telling others of the nature of an invisible disability?

Out of interest- parents (of primary school age children) who generally don’t tell people unless they absolutely have to, because they feel it is not their information to share; do you ever post pictures of your child to social media?

If my child is being hurt by another in the class or his education is being disrupted, then yes I expect the school to inform us that there is a reason and how we can help our children at home to understand what often looks like "bad behaviour" (for want of a better phrase) isn't actually, when it comes from certain kids.

There's a girl in my sons class who is adopted and another lad who was looked after for a few years. Their carers were open about it. The school is a community and something that affects one child, can often affect others. I like to think that the school community can be brought to be more inclusive IF people know about it and how to help.

But you feel free to take offence (where none is intended).

It may well be that you think "dacadactyl just dont get it or understand the stuggles of these children who are adopted, have SNs etc" Fair enough, maybe I don't. But my point is that if the school TRIES to be inclusive and educate and inform parents and pupils etc, then maybe these children wouldn't struggle as much.

I'm bowing out of this thread now. This is not the case, nor my intention.

If you feel I am ignorant about SNs then perhaps it is the case.

My point on this thread is that the school (and the boys family, but to a lesser extent because they are not professionals) have had 7 YEARS to educate us and remove some of that ignorance.

But this will be my last post on the matter.

A parent at DCs' nursery did this - explained over the group whatsapp - and I think it was really helpful because no one then judged him by NT standards (why is he being badly behaved, etc).

But that was a small group and everyone knew each other. Reception is different. I would definitely talk to DS about it, and maybe ask the teacher how to approach it.

DS has two kids with special needs in his class and he told me their brains work differently so they do different stuff, so I'm assuming the teacher explained to them.

My niece has ASD and ADHD and my DD has a couple of friends with similar diagnoses. They are all 11/12 now. In my experience diagnosis was explained when I invited the kids out after school. Th various parents were open about their childrens needs and offered to accompany the play date if needed. I love round the corner from my niece and she is here a lot so I’ve never been put off by my DDs friends additional needs and had no issues. I have supervised by niece at a pony party (my sister wasn’t available) as the host was a bit unsure. I just hung around quietly out the way and stepped in once when my niece got a bit too focussed on a much younger child (she likes to help little kids but sometimes it’s a bit too much).

If I was you I’d not tell the whole year. Some will understand, some won’t and not everyone needs to know. Parents cannot make their kids more understanding and compassionate in my experience. If your son’s behaviours bother some classmates the best you can hope for is that they avoid him. He should eventually find his people and they will enjoy him for who he is and then it’s really helpful to give tips to any parents talking him out but in the meantime I’d say keep his diagnosis off the Wattsapp.

One parent sent an email informing the class as her son was being disruptive and lashing out- I think most people knew he was autistic but it probably helped some to understand. What didn't work so well was the child (about 6/7) didn't know he was autistic. So it's likely his classmates knew before him! I didn't reveal his diagnosis to my son as it didn't seem right.

I have told some parents of my sons diagnoses but haven't announced it to everyone. I think it helps with understanding and explains a lot (like why he might not join in initially at parties and might need extra supervision). However my sons know they are autistic - we talk about neurodivergence and how everyone is different frequently, we aren't hiding it as there's no shame there. But we equally don't shout about it because we aren't the sort to shout about things anyway!

I'd make sure your child knows they are autistic before you share this information. It can be in an age appropriate way but they should know asap.

It is the case. You are being incredibly ignorant - so much so that it appears deliberate. It isn’t other people’s job to share their personal information in the name of ‘educating’ adults. And judging by your responses on this thread you’re not really interested in education from people with experience.

@Dacadactyl for what it’s worth I don’t think you have said anything unreasonable. I don’t know why autism should be private anymore than deafness, wearing glasses, or being left handed. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to want to know what is going on in a classroom your children spend 6 odd hours a day in.

Astounding. Jesus wept.

@MarmadukeSpillageEsquire why astounding?

I don't know where some people have got that parents who choose not to disclose are ashamed or embarrassed of their children with SEN.

I can only speak for myself but that's categorically not the case.

I just protect my DC's right to privacy. His SEN isn't

The people that need to know, know.