Would you tell whole school year your child is autistic?

[thegreentree]

Apologies if I've not quite used the right language around this but... DS attends a mainstream school, he is in reception and has an autism diagnosis.

This is more of a WWYD than an AIBU but DH and I a trying to figure out what would be best for DS...

• To wait until DS is old enough to understand he has ASD, and can choose who he wants to tell?

OR

• To let parents know now so they can hopefully explain to their DC why DS is different? And hopefully act in a more understanding way towards him.

DS is bright but I can see he is struggling socially at school. I'm increasingly starting to feel like it would be good to tell parents (we have an active all year what's app group that I would probably share it on). Just to give everyone some perspective/insight to why DS is a bit different, and to hopefully encourage their kids to be a bit kinder?

I don't know if this is naive. And once disclosed I can't take it back. I would be devastated if DS as he got older hated me for sharing this info about him so widely.

WWYD?

Ok thats fine then. Dont share the information if you dont think itd be helpful. Its your decision as the parent.

But my child isnt the one who is struggling at school. I was concerned about someone elses child but apparently that makes me the bad one. Ok then.

If my child was strugglign, you can bet your bottom dollar i wouldnt rest until the school took it seriously. And every parent in his class would know he had been diagnosed and had SN. People are more willing to make allowances for others if they know theres a reason for their behaviour. Thats all im saying.

A mum on our WhatsApp has just stared sharing general links about adaptations for people with autism and other info around the topic. So then if I have read between the lines and reckon there's a higher than average chance her child may have autism.

Perhaps you could approach it like that?

Ok. But then know that with less obvious behaviours it will be much harder for most parents (who know fuck all about autism) to accomodate or tolerate a child's needs.

How is making the magic disclosure of the word “autism” going to be any use to this majority of parents “who know fuck all about autism” then?

Meaningless to “most”.

Grist to the judgemental and ignorant.

Where is the upside in sharing it?

Focus on specifics, behaviours, solutions, empathy etc. Take any subtle steer that’s in offer and maybe also try to be nice to the introverted children whose medical records you haven’t seen either.

A mum on our WhatsApp has just stared sharing general links about adaptations for people with autism and other info around the topic.

This is a good idea.

But honestly. Stop assuming people are going to be judgy and discriminate, why don't you assume people want to know from a place of good intentions. Most people want to accommodate your child's needs and do what they can to help.

How is making the magic disclosure of the word “autism” going to be any use to this majority of parents “who know fuck all about autism” then?

Sorry, where have i explicity said a name needs putting to it? I don't. I do think its helpful if you share with parents who's children will have a lot of interaction with yours (most of their class) that they have additional needs or are neurodiverse.

I’m really not. You just can’t see the inconsistencies and implications of what you’re asserting.

Well I’m observing (not assuming) the worst about you because you said that if you weren’t informed about the medical needs of a child unrelated to you, you were going to insist on viewing them as “brattish”, badly parented and wilfully naughty (CBA to scroll up but it was a vicious list along those lines). So you’ve pigeon holed yourself quite willing as what you are.

Don't share on a whole year Whats app group, thats a horrible idea. Tell parents of close friends, and let the school talk to any children who need to know in an age appropriate way. If you tell everyone now you take that choice away from your child in future - the whole community will already know their diagnosis even if they don't want or need them to at a later time.

I'm a little nervous about posting, as the conversation seems to have become quite bad tempered.
For my part, I wish some other parents with ND children in my DS's class had been more open about it when I was struggling to understand and cope with my DS's behaviour. During the wait for and since his diagnosis, we've been very open about it with him, and he has been quite happy to explain it to other children. I realise that not all children will be able to express themselves as easily.
I possibly wouldn't have gone as far as a WhatsApp announcement though. In the end, we were denied the opportunity to talk about his diagnosis with other parents, as he was permanently excluded, and ended up at a different school. But I do think that unless we talk about neurodiversity to people with no experience if it, it retains its stigma.

I’m observing (not assuming) the worst about you because you said that if you weren’t informed about the medical needs of a child unrelated to you, you were going to insist on viewing them as “brattish”, badly parented and wilfully naughty

Im sorry you have interpreted my words that way. That is not what is intended.

My intention is to note that far more children are NT than ND and therefore to recognise that for many behaviours, its more likely a child is NT and displaying unacceptable behaviours, than ND. My point being that brattish, aggressive, naughty NT children are imho more common within the population, than ND children at particular age brackets.

Behaviour in schools has deteriorated massively in the last 20 years, and thus I'm perhaps reluctant to embrace a model where we simply widen the scope of behaviour we tolerate from everyone (NT or otherwise).

Didn’t you and parents of ND children naturally gravitate towards each other? I always think it’s a bit like a secret society.

@MetellaInHortoEst Not really, no. I felt extremely isolated. I suspect they did too. I only found out because we met some time later at an autism workshop

Generally children don't want to behave badly though. Does it matter whether they have SEN (and realistically there is a huge amount of undiagnosed SEN in schools) or because they are in care or because their parent is drunk all evening and lets them stay up until 1am with no boundaries? All are about unmet needs. A child doesn't experience great fun and happy feelings from trashing a classroom and getting excluded. If you child is being hurt by another child then that is the school's fault and their responsibility to do something to prevent it happening again.

If you really didn’t mean that the way it read then fair enough.

I think if you can wrap your head around the fact that neurodiversity is still stigmatised, that choosing how and when to reveal such information is a child’s choice, and teaching staff cannot - by law - sure such information anyway, then you might be closer to understanding why your preferred way is not necessarily what’s best for ND children.

Imagine your child was HIV+, was gay, was epileptic in a time and place that didn’t fully accept or understand such things. It’s their journey, their diagnosis and their decision. These things can’t be arranged for the convenience of other parents.

That’s a shame. Is his current setting working out?

My ds was diagnosed end of year 7.previously diagnosed with adhd..

I left it to him.. tbh the parents that regularly complained about him i doubt would have understood anyway

It is down to him now who he tells.

I shared a message on the class whatsapp when my child was struggling in nursery anc a few children had pointed him out as 'naughty' to parents or grandparents in the playground. I introduced us as a family and explained my son was being assessed for autism. Several other parents went on to share similar messages about their children and the reaction was totally positive. Comments from kids stopped immediately and parents and kids noticeably made an effort to include us and be supportive/friendly. We are part of a smallish and very supportive and friendly school though.

My son is in reception and is waiting for an ASD assessment, so I totally get this. I don’t think I’d announce it to the whole class, but I’ve told quite a few parents. I’m glad I have as it’s pretty bloody obvious my son is different in the way he jumps around and speaks with little intonation.

Generally people have been supportive, most people have some understanding and have been inclusive. Some of my daughters class parents have known longer and have been so supportive and kind - difficult days are so much easier when you get sympathetic smiles and messages later checking up on you. Personally I’d much rather people know, my MIL was aghast that I’d told people as she thought he’d be labelled, but honestly kids are labelled anyway, I’d rather parents were aware so they can explain things appropriately to their kids. Also I think most people wondered before I told them, but obviously no one will ask. And quite frankly anyone who wouldn’t want to know us because he’s autistic isn’t worth being friendly with anyway IMO!

@MetellaInHortoEst Yes - his new school had an ASD unit, and the staff were so much better with him. The exclusion was overturned, and his old school had a rap over the knuckles. It was quite a ride for us all, but he's in secondary school now, and becoming much better at self-control.

Generally children don't want to behave badly though.

I think this depends how you define behaviour. In lots of cultures (mine), parenting is fairly strict, children are expected and taught to be quite obedient, to share readily etc.

Young children are quite inherently selfish, and some parents are quite indulgent and allow behaviour others consider spoilt.

DC has a friend who's parents allow them to:

• jump/climb on furniture
• choose to eat mainly snacky junk food & be rude when provided with a normal meal like spaghetti bolognese
• stay up very late/refuse to go to bed
• disobey adults instructions without any consequences (eg ignoring a request to take a plate to the dishwasher, turn off a tap they've left running, tidy toys theyve left out).
• tease/be unkind to younger siblings

Their parents don't consider this child's behaviour unacceptable. In my family it is, and children who behave like that don't often get invited for a second playdate.

Very glad to hear it.

I did not share. It is private information on a need to know basis, as far as I am concerned and no one else's business.

There are (were) a few with autism in my daughter’s class and the parents just mentioned it as and when necessary, as I think you should be able to do. My daughter was friends with one of them who was quite severely affected and she knew he needed additional support (she has a cousin with severe autism and I explained it to her in this way) and she accepted him entirely for who he was (I say was because he’s moved to a special school). Kids of 5 years old don’t discriminate.

You mean your child has ASD. Not is.

My DD has ASD and the condition does not define them!

My next door neighbours won’t allow their son & daughter to play with my DD because she has ASD (even when she was tiny). It's not behaviour related as my DD has only ever been lovely to them (she's always been supervised by me when playing out, due to her age). They summon their kids in immediately whenever they see them playing with DD. The youngest eventually blurted out that Mum doesn't want them playing with any child with special needs/ASD!!!

Whilst this mindset may not be the norm, people like this do exist and frankly, it's not worth the hurt. Don't broadcast it.