Would you tell whole school year your child is autistic?

[thegreentree]

Apologies if I've not quite used the right language around this but... DS attends a mainstream school, he is in reception and has an autism diagnosis.

This is more of a WWYD than an AIBU but DH and I a trying to figure out what would be best for DS...

• To wait until DS is old enough to understand he has ASD, and can choose who he wants to tell?

OR

• To let parents know now so they can hopefully explain to their DC why DS is different? And hopefully act in a more understanding way towards him.

DS is bright but I can see he is struggling socially at school. I'm increasingly starting to feel like it would be good to tell parents (we have an active all year what's app group that I would probably share it on). Just to give everyone some perspective/insight to why DS is a bit different, and to hopefully encourage their kids to be a bit kinder?

I don't know if this is naive. And once disclosed I can't take it back. I would be devastated if DS as he got older hated me for sharing this info about him so widely.

WWYD?

@MetellaInHortoEst I am not at all crass and how dare you say such a thing?!

I am sharing my own experience like the op asked!! You jumped on my comment and patronised me and have no idea of what my actual life is like and the struggles my child faces!!

Personally some posts to me did seem like they were saying "oh don't tell" ax if it was a shameful secret...I am not going to name posters because I understand context is very different when typed and I know that isn't what people generally mean,

I am however not going to apologise for the fact my son should not at all hide the fact he has autism..i

@MetellaInHortoEst I haven't said shout it from the roof top ffs I have shared MY experience with MY child.

Yes but he doesn’t seem to know about it or understand it yet (not completely clear which);

To wait until DS is old enough to understand he has ASD, and can choose who he wants to tell?

A child can’t take ownership of something they don’t understand yet. Much less decide how they want the information shared. OFC it’s up to OP whether she wants to do the child-led thing.

@MetellaInHortoEst I shan't comment any more in regards to you jumping on my own experience without knowing anything about me.

@thegreentree I hope my experience is useful to you. Feel free to pm me.

You turned up with a very bombastic post repeatedly saying that autism is nothing to be ashamed of. You know the thread is full of autists and parents of autists, if you’ve read it. Where did you see anyone say they were ashamed of it?

No.
Need to know basis only.

Some parents will have figured it out already, some would be lovely about it if they are told. But some parents and their children will be horrible.

Personally some posts to me did seem like they were saying "oh don't tell" ax if it was a shameful secret...I am not going to name posters because I understand context is very different when typed and I know that isn't what people generally mean,

That is a very uncharitable and unempathetic interpretation of what parents have been saying.

I am however not going to apologise for the fact my son should not at all hide the fact he has autism..i

Nor should you. You do whatever works best for your family. But it works both ways.

It’s a choice. It’s complicated. It depends on context and it depends on individual children. So there is no one universal answer.

My ds is nt, there's a few boys in his school who I'd infer have asd or are nd from either additional support or comment their parents have made. I don't need to know their diagnosis or anything really. Info I need for play dates is the same as any other child- anything I should know? Whether that be sensitivity to noise, dietery issues or whatever.

However there is one boy who I would consider a bit naughty and I wouldn't be racing to invite him over- from talking to his parents they seem to think his poor behaviour is down to the teacher being over sensitive. but reading this thread I'm wondering if someone had the same behaviour but as a result of asd or adhd or something else would I make more allowances and I think I would. Which I think probably makes me a hypocrite.

This is the situation with a little boy who's 6 in my dc's class. His mum has told parents incidentally, as and when needed, for example at a drop and go party she let me know and I was very grateful to be aware of his needs. I have since noticed a few comments from my dc about his behaviour and tho I have reminded him we all learn in different ways and he might need a little extra help, I'd prefer to explain properly to my dc but it's not my information to share. So overall, I think it's a good thing that others are aware but.. I think I'd also think your dc himself should know, in an age appropriate way, before others. Not an easy one.

No, because it's not relevant especially so young - people can be prejudiced

This view has really surprised me. I can't imagine many, if any, parents, would be like this about it. Perhaps I'm naive but I've only seen understanding for children with SEN.

No it's not relevant. DS11 has autism, I've never told anyone. Most of them have guessed over time, and those who haven't aren't relevant to his life anyway.

I wouldn’t share a random child’s information with my children - I would wait for them to share that themselves. But then I don’t feel the need to explain things like that. I tend to just give my children the appropriate response tools, which are the same whether a child is NT or ND. If someone is hurting you or anybody tell a teacher straight away, if someone is mean to you speak up and say ‘don’t say those things to me’ etc etc. If someone is struggling with something offer to help them or try to help get a teacher. If someone looks sad or lonely be nice to them. I can’t think of a situation where I’d be training my child to diagnose and respond correctly to random kids’ individual needs.

@Kanaloa that's not what I'm saying at all!

Im going to stop responding to this thread...obviously my own actual lived experience is of no help..

I despair I really do.

I don't think it's very helpful to go through getting assessed then not tell anyone. But, maybe just tell those who need to know, such as friends, teachers etc while your child is small?

Surely we should be trying to make neurodiversity more accepted? Why would keeping it a secret be helpful I wonder....?

You don't have your child assessed to help other people.

@jamoncrumpets it surely makes a child's life easier though, if other people are able to understand where some of their behaviour is coming from?

Whilst also giving them even more reason to bully them?

Maybe you’re just expressing whatever you’re trying to say badly? Did you RTWT before you posted?

@TigerRag children who are ND who can also behave aggressively & end up appearing to be the bullies. If there's no understanding from their friends as to why they might be exhibiting this behaviour, it really doesn't help.

@MetellaInHortoEst I did and maybe I'm coming from a place of still advocating for my child rather than him having his own voice as he is still only 6..

I shouldn't be so defensive but we've had a pretty tough week tbh with a horribly ignorant experience on public transport that broke me so I am probably projecting.

I apologise.

From my experience, most kids are much more accepting of ND behaviour once they understand.

Och we’ve all had those. Let’s scrub the whole thing. I hope you have a good weekend.

@MetellaInHortoEst
Thank you! I hope you do too!