Would you tell whole school year your child is autistic?

[thegreentree]

Apologies if I've not quite used the right language around this but... DS attends a mainstream school, he is in reception and has an autism diagnosis.

This is more of a WWYD than an AIBU but DH and I a trying to figure out what would be best for DS...

• To wait until DS is old enough to understand he has ASD, and can choose who he wants to tell?

OR

• To let parents know now so they can hopefully explain to their DC why DS is different? And hopefully act in a more understanding way towards him.

DS is bright but I can see he is struggling socially at school. I'm increasingly starting to feel like it would be good to tell parents (we have an active all year what's app group that I would probably share it on). Just to give everyone some perspective/insight to why DS is a bit different, and to hopefully encourage their kids to be a bit kinder?

I don't know if this is naive. And once disclosed I can't take it back. I would be devastated if DS as he got older hated me for sharing this info about him so widely.

WWYD?

I disagree strongly with your premise that left handedness is in and way comparable to autism, and that we have an absolute right to know things about other people's children. We are not automatically entitled to this information. My autism didn't bother anyone at school because i was a classic female presentation, but I'd have been utterly bullied and judged if it was common knowledge. It would have served no purpose. Surely it has to be case by case, person by person, friend by friend, parent by parent? We are not one homogeneous mass. But I can assure you, being autistic and the judgement that comes with it, is not simply a quirk. In am ideal world, disclosure would be met with a shrug at worst and an offer of help at best. But it's not an ideal world, is it?

Hit send too soon, his SEND isn't a secret. I just refuse to nail it to a billboard.

Sorry for typos.

Obviously other autistic opinions are available, the above is just mine.

Okay, so you want to know everything about every child in the classroom. So you should go down and ask for a list of all the children in foster care, all those on child in need plans, all those who have been homeless or lived in a refuge, all those who have been a victim of domestic abuse or child sexual abuse etc. These things are nothing to be ashamed of, so anybody who demands the information has a right to examine it at their leisure.

Absolutely not. It is not your diagnosis to share. Wait until your children are old enough to decide. That is what I did with mine although with my son it was much more obvious and people knew thanks to his primary school having no conception of privacy.. .Now they are older my daughter would be very upset if anyone knew. However my son has happily told everyone on his class at secondary school.

I would say do it on a need to know basis. You can drop it into ordinary conversation if it's relevant.

My dd has a visible disability and some parents recommend going into the school first and talking to the children and explaining it. It normally takes the lines of "she may only have one hand but can do anything you do."

Personally I don't particularly like that-the children come to the same conclusion on their own generally, so they don't need telling and I haven't seen any evidence to suggest that it makes them more tolerant in general to it. It does also draw attention to it as well. That might sound silly, but I remember one of my dd's friends, after she'd known her for a year which included running round in the paddling pool without a lot of clothes on, suddenly turned to her and said "Oh, where's your hand?" DD said "I never had one" and that was the end of the conversation. I think if she'd been made aware of it before they met, she might well have had far more to say on the matter because she would have thought about it and come up with some whacky ideas (know the child well, 😀)

@MarmadukeSpillageEsquire I’m sorry this has been your experience. I’m unable to hide my disability (I’m a wheelchair user, as well as autistic, dyslexic, left handed and a lesbian. Who grew up in a very Christian community. On one hand I’ve developed a very thick skin, but on the other hand I find the vast majority of people are disinterested in any of this, and those that are are usually pleasant.

@Kanaloa no, I don’t think I have a ‘right’ to know anything. It isn’t about rights… I just think open communication is useful. I don’t care what anyone is but everyone in a classroom has an impact one way or another on everyone else so if there are issues knowledge is useful. Eg, when my son bit another boy in class I apologised to his mum and said he is autistic and still puts Eve in his mouth. She understood and it was over with. When the other autistic kid belted my son his mum explained and it was all good. I’ve twice had other mums come up to me in the playground and asked me about how I accessed speech therapy for my son, not an issue. Also had people ask where my son was diagnosed, who did his dyslexia diagnosis etc etc. wheelchair users frequently ask about each others chairs/equipment randomly in the street… people ask me whether I carried my son or my wife did, how he was conceived and all sorts. It isn’t a big deal.

I wouldn't do a blanket announcement, no.

I work in a primary school, and reception was my specialism. Children are very, very aware of children who are "different" or a bit quirky. And in my long experience, I've never once encountered a child with differences being treated poorly by their peers. If anything, they are loved on, and sometimes a bit babied (which we do have to be careful of). They all get taken under the wing of the class, and if anything, become its heart. I've observed this in "leafy middle class village" type schools, and schools in the midst of very, very deprived areas.

I would only disclose it to other parents that your child is particularly friendly with. There's no need to make a song and dance. As long as your child is settled and content, just let the children find their own groove. It doesn't really need any parental involvement.

It's good that it's not a big deal to you, but surely you must understand that your experiences and preferences aren't universal? (And neither are mine, I know, so I wanted to offer another viewpoint.)

You said it’s ‘perfectly reasonable’ to want to know about other children’s needs in the classroom. That isn’t reasonable - it’s ridiculous.

I’m glad you don’t feel it’s a big deal, but everyone else is entitled to share or not share their private information as suits them, not as suits all the other nosy parents on the WhatsApp group who want to know. Knowledge won’t be useful - the only knowledge you need is how the teacher is protecting and working with YOUR child. If they’re being repeatedly hit or attacked it doesn’t matter that the other child has x issue. It matters what the teacher will do to support your child.

With our son it was too obvious not to. It was over 20 years ago and there were only two children in the school diagnosed as autistic. We didn’t make an announcement but all the children knew why our son didn’t speak and why he couldn’t answer them and why he didn’t play with them. The other children were amazing with him. He started an SN school in year 3 and is now an adult in his 20’s but a few of the children from back then still keep in touch with me to ask about how he’s doing. If I had a child at the other end of the spectrum I’d leave it up to them to decide.

@MarmadukeSpillageEsquire of course. I know my experience is only my experience. I was just answering the op who asked what would people do and I was saying how me/my son deal with it and what works for us in case that was useful to her.

clearly I’m a bit unusual in my opinion.

It made me laugh about some SN children being babies. We had this experience with my son. The girls especially did everything for him even bringing his lunch to him at the table, tidying up his stuff and making sure his clothes were on straight. He had a full time 1:1 who was always trying to explain to them That he needed to do things himself sometimes. I have lovely photos from back them surrounded by kids helping him. Children have always been so lovely with him.

My son is autistic and we are not ashamed to tell people..I have been very open about his journey and he joined me in thr school I teach in for world autism awareness week to talk about his difficulties and his strengths.

His teacher spoke to the whole class too about my child's autism and how this might affect how he interacts and he understands himself better as a result as do his peers.

Autism is not something to be ashamed of or to hide away!

The school should have been supporting the child regardless of whether he had a diagnosis or not, support is meant to be based on needs not diagnosis. The school couldn't have mentioned the word Autism to anyone other than the parents they cannot make that diagnosis and they cannot share that diagnosis without express permission.
Not everyone has knowledge and understanding of Autism and there are still plenty of people who believe that Autism doesn't exist. Some people still don't like having kids with SEN in their kids class for various reasons and will complain about it at every opportunity.
Telling the class xxx has Autism will mean absolutely nothing to most younger primary aged kids because most kids have no prior experience of it, but explaining that xxxx cannot cope with something so he does yyyyy instead is an acceptable alternative.

So you would be happy to share all your private and confidential health information with all and sundry?

Nobody is saying it is something to be ashamed of.

The boy in the OP doesn’t even know his own dx yet, though.

It will often be the case in primary that the DC with SN don’t know their dxs, often because they are still under assessment, actually. It isn’t an issue to deal with behaviours without announcing an accompanying dx. DC need to learn that people aren’t all the same.

Anyway, there are lots of things I’m not ashamed of - some I’m positively proud of - that I share selectively.

@MetellaInHortoEst don't patronise me please..

My child is 6, he had just started year 1 when he got his diagnosis.

Yes children should know that we are all different but they should also know that children and people may present differently because of x,y.z!

It is important to us as a family that people understand my son has an autism diagnosis and what his struggles are and how they can support him!

Why you wouldn't want that I don't know..

Just out of interest do you have an autistic child? Because I am living the reality and the ignorance of people assuming my child is neuro-typical and the way he is then subsequently treated is appalling!

Also @MetellaInHortoEst I'm a primary school teacher and SENCO and children in primary school are fully involved in knowing their diagnosis and action plans etc to support them...

I know how it works but you can’t be fully involved in having a diagnosis you haven’t been given yet. Traits are present before dx

I think maybe there’s some crossed wires here. Of course people should know about the diagnosis when they will be supporting your child. The same way it’s important for teaching staff to know about traumatic events, illnesses, difficulties. But every parent in the class will not be supporting your child. Them knowing your child’s business will not get extra support for your child.

@MetellaInHortoEst the child has a diagnosis in the op..,

@Kanaloa but it will help when a child comes home and talks about behaviour/issues...

It is of course up to thr parents but I have shared my personal experience as the mother of an autistic child the similar age to the child in the op and being open has been a positive experience!

I’m not patronising you. I’m wincing at you bouncing onto thread full of autism-connected parents and artists themselves, to brightly tell us that “autism is nothing to be ashamed of!”

Multiple posters have been at pains to explain why partial disclosures, need to know policy, letting the child take the lead etc were good choices for them or their children and you seem to be crazy dismissing all that caution and consideration as “shame”.

If I couldn’t hear your tambourine type tendencies, i would think you were goading. You sound so crass.

Just out of interest do you have an autistic child? Because I am living the reality and the ignorance of people assuming my child is neuro-typical and the way he is then subsequently treated is appalling!

Yes I have three. The eldest is in their twenties. They actually had very different preferences and approaches to disclosure as well as different presentations and being diagnosed at different ages. I think being child-led having advised the child of the options carefully works best.

I’d have dug a hole to escape from an undifferentiated banner-waving “autism is nothing to be ashamed of (so shout it from every rooftop)” person like yourself. If you don’t understand that being selective about disclosure isn’t shame, well…