To rehome cat because of pressure on marriage

[Freshstillwater]

I’ve posted about this before but I didn’t get many serious replies.

I have been married for nearly a year, and just after our wedding I adopted a cat from a charity. I did talk about this with DH first, there was some eye rolling and ‘if you must’ but it was good humoured.

Nearly a year on and it’s really difficult. The cat had fleas which bit DH, he was pretty annoyed about this. He really doesn’t like the cat, I mean, I knew he wasn’t really into animals but I misread dislike as actual neutrality.

The complaining about the cat is really getting to me, I feel like he’d be happier without the cat and me, tbh.

I am not sure what to do now.

But yes. If that's too much then re-home the cat. They need to be in a home where their needs are met

I am a pet owner and I would not give some one house room who did not feel the same. I would expect a honest reply from him, then decide what to do next. If it was me it would be a deal breaker, and his bags would be left at the door for him.

So would I.

But seriously, get a flea treatment plan in place for the cat and firmly remind your H that he did not object to you taking the cat in. If he was allergic, that would be different. If the cat makes you happy then keep the cat.

Your husband sounds like he can be quite negative and miserable and has the potential to drag you down. I think you’re going to need to learn not to engage on his negative fixations or it will bring you down too. It sounds like attention seeking behaviour. Zone out when he starts on the negativity. Learn to brush it off, keep smiling and stroke the cat.

@Freshstillwater you can't compromise on pet ownership - either you have pets or you don't. He didn't want a cat and you chose to get one anyway - this is the consequence.

Hobbies aren't even remotely comparable to cats either. They don't cover the house in hair, poo indoors, smell, need feeding or need putting into catteries when you go on holiday.

OP you don't seem very happy in your marriage. Do you love the cat? If you rehome the cat would you feel resentful towards your DH? And do you think he'd then just find something else to moan about?

I'm not against rehoming animals if the situation requires it but something just feels a bit off here.

Incompletesenten - so does the op!

I love cats but I wouldn't want to live with one where I am constantly getting bitten by fleas.

I know you want advice on your marriage but I think the fleas are a valid issue for why your husband is being a dick. If you can resolve the flea problem and your husband still wants rid of the cat then he's BU and that's more of an issue.

Meant to say though that if the cat is a symptom and an excuse for your husband to behave badly then get flea treatment for the cat and re-home the husband because if you remove the cat and he just latches onto something else you'll feel like shit

But losing the cat may end up in losing the marriage, if OP is resentful about it.

OP, fleas aside – which do need sorting – does your DH have to do anything to do with the cat? E.g. changing the litter tray; remembering to add litter, food, etc to the shop; making and attending vet appointments; refreshing the water bowl, etc.

I know a few people in long-term relationships where one owns the pet and the other has zero to do with it and that’s the only way it works: if the uninterested party takes 0% responsibility for the pet. The fleas are clouding the issue because they ramp up your DH’s involvement to 100%, but even without them, is there an extra level of life responsibility – piles of cat sick on the kitchen floor, that hairy patch on the curtain where they always like to sit and look at the view – he is having to take on? I like cats, but if DP got a dog it would introduce low-level resentment between us because I hate them, but even more so if I had to deal with fur, pee, literally anything above 0%, ignore the thing.

But I wouldn't get rid of the cat. I'd say to DH "I asked you about the cat. You agreed to the cat. I told you to let me know before I grew attached to the cat if you didn't want it. I'm attached. I'm keeping the cat and I don't want to talk about it. I know there's a flea problem. I'm dealing with the flea problem. Going on about the flea problem is not going to fix it so I don't want to keep hearing complaints about it." And every time he complains I'd just say "yeah I know, I'm not having this conversation again."

This is good advice. But it doesn't sound as if you are dealing with the flea problem - one off treatments won't work. You need fortnightly treatments of the house, and weekly treatments of the cat. Collars are useless. And unless you're prepared to do that, get rid of the cat because you're not being a good pet owner.

If you can hand on heart say you indorex the house every two weeks, boil wash bedding, and advocate the cat monthly without fail, then you might have to accept that your husband is being controlling. Although you were pretty selfish to get a cat knowing he didn't want one. But his behaviour sounds worse.

Lobster - hobbies and passions can very much affect a marriage negatively in the same way, and one can compromise on pets, I did

Perhaps but by the same token the cat does not render a large part of the house unusable, mean we cannot consider certain types of house, thus impacting on where we can live, and cost several thousand pounds a year.

Its all compromise isn’t it - and I would never have dreamed of getting the cat if I had got a definite no - and he was given the opportunity to say no and again after we got the cat.

My main concern is that I’m not daft and the cat is one thing but being a guest in a marriage is another. Its that which is really concerning me.

@Freshstillwater if your husband is still itching he need to investigate his health issues. Diabetes, liver issues etc. I'd suggest he sees his GP.

Haven't RTFT. Are the fleas the main problem. Our cats have seemed resistent to most treatments but I'd recommend credelion which can be bought at the vets. It's been highly effective for our's. Also treat any furnishings with flea powder and hoover as regularly as you can

I think only you can be honest about whether the cat is really the root of your issues though...

Your life sounds a bit miserable,do you actually like this man?The cat is just another excuse for him to put you down and make a stand..I would make plans to leave he sounds controlling.Good luck.

If you can hand on heart say you indorex the house every two weeks, boil wash bedding, and advocate the cat monthly without fail

pest control are not one visit

the bedding and towels and so on had to be boil washed

the cat is treated for fleas

i really don’t know what else I can do - but I don’t even know if the cat ^has* fleas. I comb him and I have seen some flea dirt but no live fleas. I do not know if the flea dirt is from the initial infestation or it means the fleas have somehow survived everything and am waiting for a phone call back from the vet.

But let’s say I do rehome the cat, is that going to solve everything? I mean, what happens next time I do something DH doesn’t like? It seems to be that he’ll complain about it until I break. Or maybe that’s unfair.

Why do you feel like this? How long had you been together before you married and has it always been this way? How old are your DC?

They have children, although this seems to be less central than the cat. So there are four problems, at least, as in
why has the relationship changed since they married?
why do the children and their preferences or relationship with the pet hardly get a mention?

oddly , I’m rather more concerned for the semi invisible children than the rescue cat.

I’m going to give your husband a pass on his grumpiness because I lived with fleas for years growing up. They are such a nightmare that they will make even the nicest, loving person into a complaining, unhappy, grump. And since you brought the fleas into the house in the first place, of course he’s going to be grumpy with you.

So, while fleas prefer to live on a cat or dog, they can quite happily live just about anywhere indoors so long as a meal passes by every day or two. Where I lived, they were even in the cracks between the floorboards. As you walked by, if you looked down, you could see the fleas jumping on your feet and ankle height at your legs. Their favourite places were the sofa and mattresses though as they’d get a daily dose of human blood. I remember throwing back my duvet and turning on the fan because the air would blow the fleas over as they jumped so they’d land sideways (I had to sleep in that bed). So you don’t need to be anywhere near a flea bag of a cat or dog to be bitten by fleas.

This is a bit of a problem, because even if you rehome the cat, you will still have a flea infestation to deal with.

As for living with fleas. It’s an absolute nightmare. They prefer cooler (bony) extremities for bites, so your finger knuckles, wrist, elbow, toes, ankle, ears but will bite anywhere sort of elbow down, knee down and neck up. It was utter misery as there was no escape from them. Even in hottest summer nights I had to wear a pair of regular socks under a pair of thick wellie socks, long pj voting tucked into the wellie socks, gloves, long sleeve top and ear muffs to bed and that just reduced the bites. They itch like crazy and I’d often get a low grade fever from them. Scratching them just attracted more fleas to bite the same spot.

Honestly, the reason posters are focussing on the fleas and the cat is because that is your problem. It’s not a relationship problem at all. I cannot blame the man for wanting the flea bag of a cat gone and the house fleas eradicated. I am worried about the children in the house being bitten as I was as a child because that’s where this goes. A flea infestation just gets worse and worse until they are biting every blood source available to them.

@Allthegoodnamesarechosen i am in no way trying to be difficult but I am baffled at your post. Why are you concerned for our children?

I don’t think it was the intention but it started to feel as if he wanted me to feel as bad as possible

He has many lovely points but my main concern is that I feel like a guest. At first a welcomed and wanted guest but now like an unwanted one

I think it very much is his intention to make you feel as bad as possible so you return the cat to the rehoming centre.

Just to point out that if you read enough threads on here you will see a pattern.

The poster tells of abusive behaviour but then says her Dh is a lovely person
But then you see that he is only a lovely person when he gets his own way or has overstepped the mark and needs to rein the poster in by being nice so she doesn’t divorce him. If the Dh doesn’t get his own way he is mean, selfish and abusive.

If your Dh was a lovely person he wouldn’t be making you feel terrible or like an unwanted guest.
Lovely husbands make you feel loved and wanted

I wouldn’t put it past him if he is keeping something separate that is flea infested and then reinfecting the house again. Or he is the one bringing the fleas in the house.

My main concern is that I’m not daft and the cat is one thing but being a guest in a marriage is another. Its that which is really concerning me.

@Freshstillwater That's the third time you have mentioned being a guest in your own marriage.
The cat is not the issue just a symptom. It seems that he makes decisions - house, location etc that affect you, with his interests in mind and you go with the flow, but when you make a decision with your interests in mind, he is negative and fixated.

I’m positive he would not do that but I do feel - unintentionally - he wants his life as it always was but with the added bonus of a wife to help.

Who wouldn’t I suppose.

When we first met we lived in his house and now we have one together and I hoped that this would stop the ‘guest’ feeling but the cat seems to mean it won’t.

I feel sorry for the cat not being loved in his own home and maybe being moved (which cats hate).
Are the flees the main issue here? If you cured the flees once and for all, would your DH accept the cat? If not, then yes - I suppose you should rehome the cat (poor thing).
How's your marriage generally? Are there any other issues with your DH? Because if this is indicative of a wider problem thrm obviously this is more about your relationship than the cat.

You need to be more proactive in dealing with the cat. If the over-the-counter flea treatment isn't working, you need to get a vets advice.

Really though, if your DH is this up in arms about a cat... maybe he's not the bloke to build a life with? How's he going to deal with vomity snotty kids?