To rehome cat because of pressure on marriage

[Freshstillwater]

I’ve posted about this before but I didn’t get many serious replies.

I have been married for nearly a year, and just after our wedding I adopted a cat from a charity. I did talk about this with DH first, there was some eye rolling and ‘if you must’ but it was good humoured.

Nearly a year on and it’s really difficult. The cat had fleas which bit DH, he was pretty annoyed about this. He really doesn’t like the cat, I mean, I knew he wasn’t really into animals but I misread dislike as actual neutrality.

The complaining about the cat is really getting to me, I feel like he’d be happier without the cat and me, tbh.

I am not sure what to do now.

I think the issue is that even though as far as I can tell the flea problem is sorted, as people have said, it has obviously impacted upon how DH feels in his home which is not fair.

What I’m not sure is what to do about it easy to say rehome But in practice I am not sure if I could.

It's hard because you obviously like having the cat, all you can do is talk to your DH about the future of the cat living with you and ask him if there's anything you can get/do that would make living with the cat easier. Eg where it sleeps or rooms it can use, I'm not sure what living situation you have. But I totally warmed up to the idea having the cat around while it was flea free so you might be able to have the cat after all

I like cats, but if my partner got one without my clear permission then the cat gave me fleas I'd be beyond furious and insist the cat went. Seriously, it's your husband, put him first, say sorry, get rid of the cat! Then if things don't improve see where you go from there....

I consider your attempts as lackadaisical as I'm the type of person that fleas target and the damn bites itch for weeks. It's awful. I couldn't imagine living in a house with an infestation and being bit daily.

Lucky you fleas don't bother you, but they bother your husband. You need to continue to fight the infestation until it's sorted. Try other options, attack on multiple fronts, fight this like the fleas are torturing you.

You had it coming. He wasn't 100% on board with this cat idea. You need consent of all people living at home, before you adopt a pet. I would have a serious talk with husband, instead of asking people on MN TBH. Ask him what he thinks, is he OK keeping the cat? It's not the best time for rehoming, due to COL, people are abandoning pets, shelters are full, so this situation really sucks for cat too.

Are you seeing any bites on him now? It sounds like he's making it up, even if he is psychologically itchy.

Fleas don't just bite one person at a time, especially if that person isn't holding the cat etc.

You have children together? So you only got married a year ago (when you got the cat) but you’ve been together longer than that? How old are your DC?

You’re worried that the flea issue has triggered a response in your DH that things that you want and he doesn’t are disposable and not important? Is that right? Do you have any further basis for those worries? Are there other ways in which you feel you are a lesser priority?

Are you combing the cat regularly and checking carefully for fleas? Are there any? Is DH still getting bites? Have you treated the house as well as the cat?

I love my cats dearly and would never rehome them short of eviction or family allergy, but a flea infestation made our lives absolute misery and we couldn't live happily until it was 100% sorted.

I am a cat lover who owns cats but also someone who gets bad reactions to flea bites and I can honestly say they are some of the worst insect bites I’ve had barring horse fly bites as the flea bites are extremely itchy even when I use antihistamine cream and take antihistamines. I can understand if there are residual fleas, your husband may still be getting bitten.

While you want to concentrate on your marriage, ensuring the fleas are 100% gone is essential or his life probably is a misery.

Even with pest control you will need them at least twice as the first time it will only kill fleas and eggs and not the pupae, so you need them again once those pupae start hatching. Methods you can use at home are Indorex spray and steam cleaning. It takes many cycles of cleaning to eradicate them.

Whereabouts is your husband being bitten? Typically it’s around the top of your socks, end of your sleeves or around your middle if you have any bare skin exposed.

When my cat had fleas, I had to tuck my trousers into my socks and wear a tighter fitting sleeve to avoid bites while I went through the cat & house treatment process. Treat cat first with Advantage - the cat will help to kill fleas where it sits and sleeps, then wash all bedding on high temp, vacuum everywhere like crazy to pick up eggs and pupae, steam clean soft furnishings and then use indorex spray. You will doubtless have to repeat the cleaning two or three times.

If you don’t react to flea bites it can be hard to understand how bad it is, so I urge some sympathy with your husband and some focused action on the treatment/ cleaning for the sake of both your cat and your husband.

I would want to see the flea bites. It does sound as though he’s determined to get rid of the cat and I’d want to be sure fleas were not just a pretext.

@GetOffTheRoof i did share a flat with a girl in my twenties and she was absolutely EATEN by whatever was living with us and I wasn’t - no idea why. So I do accept that some people have a stronger reaction to bites than others.

I will have a think about best options for cat going forwards. I am certainly not trying to be dismissive, just the same I really do not know what else to do, as if the cat still has fleas after this then I honestly am stumped.

USE THE FLEA BOMB
You're going to have to do this anyway, whether you get rid of the cat or not. Cat fleas are persistent and their eggs lie dormant in the carpets, soft furnishings, and cracks in the floor. Once they hatch they're also very attracted to bare hairy legs which may be why your husband notices them more than you do (but this is a really good way of assessing whether treatment has been effective or if you need to do one ore treatment - you just need a hairy-legged volunteer to walk around a bit).

Cats also tend to gravitate towards people that are either ambivalent or dislike them. They get a quieter life with less annoying fussing that way. This may mean your husband sees the cat as coming to him rather than you, if your cat is like this.

All pets create a degree of drag on spontaneity that can cause issues with a partner that would like to be travelling, or taking day trips. Do you have an arrangement with a sitter/cat service that lets you get away?

You need to treat your home not just the cat. The flea eggs lay dormant, overwinter, and then hatch in the spring and summer sometimes they will hatch in winter depending how high your heating is, so you need indorex spray to spray round your home that will kill the eggs. You also need to hoover 1-2 times a day.

If the cat has come from a rescue then don't rehome it. It's been through enough trauma in it's life, to just rehome it would be cruel. Mind you it doesn't sound like you're really that bothered about the cat either!

@FangsForTheMemory he did have flea bites before we had pest control out and did everything we were supposed to. I do think it’s a possibility any itching is now psychological which I’m sure is no less uncomfortable but I cannot know.

What gives you that impression, @MeMyBooksAndMyCats ?

You’ve clearly read the thread in great detail, no one would say someone spiteful without lots of evidence would they …?

This - definitely

My vet was saying that fleas are rife at the moment. She recommended Advantage for the cat and Indorex for the home. We also use this Zero In ZER020 Flea Killer (Mains Powered, Effective Flea Killer for the Home, Targets Bedding and Carpets Over a 10 m Radius), Pack of 1 amzn.eu/d/aWFSH8E which is amazing!
I think once the fleas are gone he might calm down!

Which treatments have you used on the cat? As PP have said, some just don't work any more. My vets have changed mine onto Bravecto, which is working well, and only needs administering every three months, which is a bonus.

What is more important - the cat or your marriage?

I'd get a very shallow dish, a saucer is ideal, put a small amount of water with one drop of washing up liquid in it. Then at bedtime put the dish down somewhere on the floor where it won't get stood on, place a light night light in it.

If your cat and/or home have fleas the evidence will be very obvious.

Use that information to take a long look at your relationship.

Hardly spiteful. Just commenting on your comments.

I have cats, if my husband told me to rehome them because of fleas id be making sure it's not in his head, doing everything I can to kill the fuckers if it was true and failing that telling him to leave. I wouldn't just rehome my cats. You're not even sure if it's psychological or not that says it all really/

Have you actually seen the red bumps where the bites are? Sounds like he could be making it up just to upset you. Have you seen fleas on the cat?

Initially we were using frontline but when DH complained of fleas I switched to advantage. Then got pest control out to deal with any in the house. Cat also wears a flea collar. Am waiting for a phone call from vet but if it’s feeling itchy rather than being actually bitten that’s harder.

You don't have to look at the bites. If you've got cat fleas in the house you will see the fleas.

This.

And YABVU.