To rehome cat because of pressure on marriage

[Freshstillwater]

I’ve posted about this before but I didn’t get many serious replies.

I have been married for nearly a year, and just after our wedding I adopted a cat from a charity. I did talk about this with DH first, there was some eye rolling and ‘if you must’ but it was good humoured.

Nearly a year on and it’s really difficult. The cat had fleas which bit DH, he was pretty annoyed about this. He really doesn’t like the cat, I mean, I knew he wasn’t really into animals but I misread dislike as actual neutrality.

The complaining about the cat is really getting to me, I feel like he’d be happier without the cat and me, tbh.

I am not sure what to do now.

@notsosoftanymore why do you get the impression I don’t want the cat any more?

I am going through absolute misery which would be ‘solved’ (it wouldn’t really) by ‘getting rid of the cat’ and the fact I haven’t done so should indicate I do want the cat. But it isn’t so much about the cat as what happens next time Dh doesn’t like something that I want?

But equally, he shouldn't have to put up,with being bitten in his own home, when the source of the problem is a cat he wasn't enthusiastic about getting.

You want advice on your marriage, and your posts seem to indicate that the flea situation simply has to be accepted. Surely if you want a happy marriage you need to solve the problem that's causing your husband discomfort?

They won't though. Cats Protection wouldn't take my aunts cat despite her being in a care home and there not being anyone who lived within an hour away to look after it. None of the local places would take it. Luckily I managed to get a friend to take it.

OP how would you feel if you got rid of the cat? Resentful? Could you get over it? Are you both fixating on this rather than deal with different problems in your relationship?

This is perhaps deeper than a cat versus no cat issue.
I love pets, I think they are great for kids to have (if not allergic or other reasons don’t exclude) and I grew up with them and knew I wanted my kids to have the same.
My XH never liked animals and while little alarm bells rang, I got on with it. We had kids and he wouldn’t countenance the idea of a pet for them.
We are now divorced and I have a lovely cat my kids adore and she adores them and it is fabulous for them.
My point is, this is actually not a massive issue, but does it point to other significant issues or differences between you both that you maybe don’t want to have to compromise on or can’t get past? This was just one tiny thing of many for me, but 15 years later, the gulf between us in terms of things we wanted and opinions just widened. The small pet issue for me was one of many things that were indicative of that widening chasm.
If you have not had kids together yet, think carefully on whether this is the same for you - is this an indicator of how different you are - and not in a good way - or personality traits in him that while you can deal with them now, do you want to be doing that forever?
Personally, I’d keep the cat and tell him to suck it up. If you renege on this you will likely have to bend on many, many other things.

@GristleToesAndWhine When the cat first came home and he started complaining I had a very serious conversation with him about it where I essentially said what you said, that if he didn’t want him, he had to tell me openly and honestly and the time to do it was now before I got too attached to him and before he got too comfortable if you like.

He seemed to soften after that but the flea problem has ramped things up again.

So, first step is treat the fleas- obviously. It's a PITA but wash everything, bomb the house, vet treatment for the cat. Been there, one of mine had awful fleas and it took months (and £££) to get rid of them. Take the stress away.

DH- honestly if a cat is causing such a problem then the cat isn't the problem. You need an honest conversation about how you are both feeling, rehoming the cat won't solve your problems though and you both need to consider what the real issue is- and there is one- and whether you want to work on it.

Fwiw, early days with my cats DH was so stressed because they pooped everywhere and he can't deal with any kind of mess. It took months to get them using the litter trays but it didn't cause issues in our relationship because there wasn't an underlying issue.

Maybe the cat caught fleas from your Dh🤨

Seriously, I couldn't get on board with anyone who seemingly has a pathological hatred to a largely inoffensive and low maintenance pet (though my own has outdoor access to fields and woods, so no litter tray)
I have an ex who doesn't believe any pet should even be allowed indoors.
It was never going to work..

Sorry, but more flea advice - the only effective treatment is your vet. They usually administer a quick jab every 3 months at my own.

But it isn’t so much about the cat as what happens next time Dh doesn’t like something that I want?

TBF OP, that's a marriage question and you asked everyone to move on from that.

If you really want comments on that question, I'll add to mine above: he sounds like a shit and I'd be telling him that saying 'if you must' is the most spineless load of old twaddle and I have a damn sight less respect for him for being so passive and then moaning constantly about the thing he couldn't be arsed to speak up about before it was too late. I'd also hate to think of a petless future, that would be a real sticking point for me.

But that's not what you asked us for which is why I focussed my repsonse on the cat

@Gazelda the problem is DH is the only one who is bothered by the fleas. I’m not suggesting he is making it up but after all this treatment I’m stumped as to how the cat can have fleas. But he just keeps complaining of being bitten which has me apologising endlessly. It’s horrible.

And I’m not saying he’s lying before anyone jumps on me. I know sometimes some people are targeted by fleas and biting insects and others aren’t, it’s just quite hard to deal with.

YWVU. You cannot compromise on a living creature.

He didn’t want one. You railroaded him and got one anyway. So what did you expect?

If I was him I’d have rehomed the cat already.

Are you happy with him (DH not cat)? Can you see yourself having children and spending the rest of your life with him (trying to take cat out of the equation?)

We have children, which is why I do have to rehome the cat if rehoming is what it takes to put things right. Otherwise things might be different.

So you believe him. So surely you must agree is uncomfortable for him, in his own home? Where's your sympathy for him? It must be driving him mad.

Or you don't believe him. In which case you need to decide if you want to be married to a lying attention seeking whinger.

I forgot to add… have you actually seen these flea bites??
mot sounds like this is a great way of keeping you grovelling over the cat. The balance is out here and you are not currently equals.
I am sceptical he has even been bitten, if I’m honest. Have you seen fleas on the cat?

I would rehome my husband, not to be flippant, but because this would demonstrate fundamental differences in our values and what we want from life.

Professionals will be able to solve the flea problem.

You got a cat he never really wanted, I can see why he's so annoyed especially with all the problems caused.

I don't think people who give up animals for reasons like this should ever be allowed more pets, and there is no way I would go through my life with someone knowing that I'd never be able to have another pet.

My cat is over 19 now, she's been with me longer than my husband and children. She always knows when one of us is upset or ill.

I wouldn't give up the chance to have a little companion in my life for a husband you don't seem that compatible with, it's not worth the trade off.

If I married someone who was lackadaisical about treating a flea infestation I would leave as we would be incompatible. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I really think you need to sort the flea situation out and then reassess your marriage. Your husband may be able to manage the cat if it's not the cause of itchy bites. You can then address how you compromise on things that the other doesn't like.

Okay, I guess not then.

Where did you get the cat? Rescues usually have something in the contract regarding rehoming, and breeders often have their own rules on that too.

@Gazelda i believe he is being bitten and I am sure fleas were originally the cause. I think it is possible - I am not saying definitely either way - that some of the itching is now possibly psychological. But I cannot know.

We had to switch our dog from Front line to Bravecto so look at what you’re using.
Use a flea bomb and vacuum all your skirtings and your bed.
Wash everything.

My ds doesn’t like any of his wife’s pets and complains but she rightly ignores him and after 12 years he’s accepted that there will always be cats, dogs and horses and she’s not going to change.
I asked him once why he agreed to have the pets and he said because she’s an adult and it’s her home too so it’s not my place to stop her living her life with pets.
However I think he likes the dogs really but he’ll never admit it.

How is involving the vet and getting pest control out lackadaisical?!

My partner doesn't want us to have a cat. I had one when he moved in but when she died I didn't replace.

Yes I am sad I don't have a cat but it's a compromise to make. If it was a complete deal breaker I'd have to break up and get one.

If you know there are flees (and it's not psychological Ie imagining it now) then you need to deal with that properly-how rude to clause your house to be infected and not sort that out as it doesn't bother you as much.

I stayed with my mum for a while when we were moving, she then had a cat.
I’d never minded them before, but I hated it.
It stunk, it had fleas that bit me and DC, everything was covered by its hair, all our clothes, i couldn’t cook as it’s fur would be everywhere and it made me feel ill
It genuinely affected my quality of life, and made me feel really depressed, and I dreaded going home because of the cat.

So I wouldn’t just dismiss your DH feelings, as lack of compromise, if he feels anything like I did, it will be affecting a lot of areas.

Before this I didn’t mind cats, we had one when I was growing up, and it was fine. There were actually two cats there, but only one of them caused an issue, the other one was fine

Are some posters answering a thread that says something like ‘I have a cat, it has fleas I can’t be bothered to treat as they don’t bother me, AIBU?’

I think since this thread is apparently in active and posters are mistakenly replying to it (although I can’t see it) you might want to chec first.

It's possible there are still a few fleas about.

To really tackle them you have to really tackle the whole lifecycle and I could imagine a scenario where a few eggs escaped the inital treatment (because they were not on the cat at the time and were missed on the carpets - they hide in corners etc). It's turned colder lately which means heating turns on, warms the house up and... pop! the eggs all hatch and start to look for hosts.

The good news is that as each of these fleas finds it's way onto the cat, whatever you are treating the cat with should kill them. The bad news is, it might take a few weeks to work through the lifecycle of every egg until it is old enough to feed on the cat and get it's dose of poison.

OP I can sympathise so much with this situation. We fostered a cat for a short while that I didn't actually want to do as I don't like cats. My husband really wanted to. I agreed to give it a try as it was a short term basis and if we liked it we were going to get a cat ourselves. The cat got fleas and even after it left it took us months to get rid of them from the house and a lot of money. I was actually really enjoying having the cat until the flea problem but then I felt trapped in my own home and dirty. It totally put me off even though in the grand scheme of things it wasn't a huge deal but honestly having fleas in my home really turned the situation into a nightmare for me and I can imagine your husband feels the same. Sort that problem out first and maybe things will get better. That is the only thing I can think that would help at this point