To rehome cat because of pressure on marriage

[Freshstillwater]

I’ve posted about this before but I didn’t get many serious replies.

I have been married for nearly a year, and just after our wedding I adopted a cat from a charity. I did talk about this with DH first, there was some eye rolling and ‘if you must’ but it was good humoured.

Nearly a year on and it’s really difficult. The cat had fleas which bit DH, he was pretty annoyed about this. He really doesn’t like the cat, I mean, I knew he wasn’t really into animals but I misread dislike as actual neutrality.

The complaining about the cat is really getting to me, I feel like he’d be happier without the cat and me, tbh.

I am not sure what to do now.

YABU

I don’t think the cat is the issue here at all, it’s the marriage but the cat is being used as it deflects from the real problems.

It sounds like you have real communication issues.

Has he asked you to get rid of the cat?

How long were you together before you got married?

@sillysmiles because it is the important thing here. I do feel as if I am on quite a thin line or acceptance and that the cat has shown this.

I work for Cat's Protection and I agree that you should have the cat re-homed.

Did the rescue organisation you got the cat from agree to take the cat back if there were any problems? If so then you need to contact them and arrange this.

If not, then contact the Local Branch of the Cat's Protection and make enquiries as to how to do this.

Because you’ve barely mentioned them, except to say that you have DC together.

So in order to unpick the relationship issues it makes one wonder, how long have you been together pre-marriage? When did the DC come on the scene? How do you cope with conflict etc and problem-solving more generally?

Your posts sort of say, my husband sees me as a convenience and what if I rehome the cat and that still goes on. It sounds like you’re pretty insecure in the relationship, so did a lot of change happen all at once - having DC very quickly into a relationship then getting married quickly?

He came from Cats Protection, it is interesting you believe he should be rehomed.

I'd get rid of him if he's causing so much displeasure.

Then please get some flea drops for your cat or take it to the vets for an injection so that you have a happy kitty, who will reward you endlessly with affection.

@NoSquirrels because they aren’t enormously relevant to the post as far as I can see. They are only relevant insomuch as it means leaving is perhaps not for the best.

Do you actually think your misery will be solved by getting rid of the cat?

If your misery is because the cat is making you and DH miserable yes, rehome it.

if your misery is because of fleas then as a pet owner you need to take responsibility and go to the vets for this.

if your misery is because your DH is bitching and moaning all the time then you gave a DH issue not a cat issue.

In what other ways does he make you feel like a guest? I think the cat is a red herring but invariably it’s all the thread is going to focus on, sorry.

I don’t think it will magically solve the problem which is that as far as I feel - and this could be unfair - DH gets what he wants and I don’t - but it will solve the immediate problem.

It’s really quite clear the issue is not the cat IMO.

When we first met we lived in his house and now we have one together and I hoped that this would stop the ‘guest’ feeling but the cat seems to mean it won’t.

Did the cat come into the new house or the old one? How long has the cat + flea problem been an issue?

Are your DC being bitten by fleas?

I would complain endlessly if being bitten by fleas from a cat I didn't want. It's a lot to ask. He has a right to live in a home without fleas. I'm not surprised it's coming between you. I don't see evidence for your grievances about him as this is horrible to live with.

Is he always getting his way by sulking and moaning?

This is the thing that pisses me off about MN, everything regarding men’s behaviour is classed as abusive ffs.
As someone been on the receiving end of a flea infestation, it was torture it made me feel so low, and affected everything everytime I was at home.
If someone had accused me of being abusive or controlling for voicing my discomfort, I’d be out the door.

Oh and I’m perfectly capable of caring for my children and wiping their snotty noses and shitty arses thanks.
Thats nothing like cat fleas, fucking fur everywhere, smells, cat being sick, etc.

Such a bullshit false equivalence

@stuntbubbles i think it’s in very small, almost discernible ways, lots of sniping and passive aggressive remarks (I’m guilty of this too) he often doesn’t tell me things like if he is working away, I do think the children are very much ‘my’ responsibility and he is the assistant if you like.

He does have lovely points and some of the above may well be unfair.

Seems to me that the cat is the fall guy here for a deeper problem between you and DH and rehoming her/him is unlikely to solve anything in the long term. The flea problem is not normal - I have 9 cats, most were wild/ stray and after regular flea and very importantly, worming treatments ( worming breaks the cycle) I've never had a problem.
As other posters have said, I'd rehome DH before I'd rehome any of my cats - It's love me, love my cat in this house and they've been a great source of comfort to me as well as a lot less trouble than the men in my life.....
In your shoes I'd be having some honest discussions with your husband about how you are feeling and the basis of your relationship.

It doesn't sound healthy. Is he difficult person, and cat was just a trigger? At first I told you, that you should have made 100% sure before taking the cat, but now I'm thinking even new pan he doesn't like would make him go on and on.

@Freshstillwater He came from Cats Protection, it is interesting you believe he should be rehomed.

Why is it "interesting" ?
Your DH doesn't like the cat and it appears didn't really want it in the first place.

Pets are like kids - both parties should want them and be prepared to put equal effort into looking after them. Anything less isn't fair on the animal.

No one’s said he’s abusive @PicturesOfDogs

So if he sulks, rather than communicating properly, he gets his way! That sounds healthy!

Has he asked you to get rid of the cat?

treat it for fleas?

don’t listen to others on here - don’t get rid of cat over husband…that’s silly

It’s interesting because you are the ‘expert’ and you believe that it is in the cats best interests to be rehomed, is all.

But wanting an arrangement where the other people in the home are suffering an infestation of fleas is an entirely unreasonable thing to want. If that's the kind of thing you want then no you can't have it. Your DH is presumably not causing you similar aggravation as he goes about his daily life so yes, he's got less to change!

Sigh, it’s early.

don’t get rid of husband over cat*