To rehome cat because of pressure on marriage

[Freshstillwater]

I’ve posted about this before but I didn’t get many serious replies.

I have been married for nearly a year, and just after our wedding I adopted a cat from a charity. I did talk about this with DH first, there was some eye rolling and ‘if you must’ but it was good humoured.

Nearly a year on and it’s really difficult. The cat had fleas which bit DH, he was pretty annoyed about this. He really doesn’t like the cat, I mean, I knew he wasn’t really into animals but I misread dislike as actual neutrality.

The complaining about the cat is really getting to me, I feel like he’d be happier without the cat and me, tbh.

I am not sure what to do now.

Honestly I’ve left a relationship because my ex getting a dog when I wasn’t keen, said dog was a nightmare and came with fleas and other issues.

So based on this I’d rehome the cat and treat the house (that’s where the fleas will be now) with indorex.

If you can’t see a red lump it’s unlikely to be a flea bite because they trigger an immune response and go red.

Try one of the three month treatments off the vet.

It all sounds very manipulative on his part though.

Did pest control flea bomb the house, or just spray something around the edges?

@Freshstillwater are you or anyone else in the family being bitten?

I don’t think he’s making it up to upset me but I do think it’s possible he feels rather than is itchy - which makes no difference to the person suffering and I get that. But it isn’t something I can do much about.

I am just fed up as it’s made me realise how thin the line of tolerance actually is. It feels a bit like he’s happy to have me around for childcare and company and the like but then when something is not going well he’d like to rehome me!

Pest control went all out on the house as I would expect for the price.

So there is two sides to this. So let's look at both.

Getting rid of fleas is not a one time thing. You need to be hoovering everything, every nook, every corner, the edges of the beds and sofas. All bedding and sofa cushions need to go in a hot wash. I would also do your DHs clothes in hot wash. You need to put flea killer on the carpets, down the edges of the sofa and bed. Do it every 2 weeks. Until no one is getting bitten. You'll have to do this even if you get rid of the cat.

But I wouldn't get rid of the cat. I'd say to DH "I asked you about the cat. You agreed to the cat. I told you to let me know before I grew attached to the cat if you didn't want it. I'm attached. I'm keeping the cat and I don't want to talk about it. I know there's a flea problem. I'm dealing with the flea problem. Going on about the flea problem is not going to fix it so I don't want to keep hearing complaints about it." And every time he complains I'd just say "yeah I know, I'm not having this conversation again."

My ex DH will just keep hammering and hammering until you comply. I've finally found the ability to just close the conversation.

I'm really not sure what you expected to happen.

You knew he didn't want a ca yet you went ahead and got one anyway - and you're now acting surprised that he doesn't like the cat.

People should only get pets if all adults in the home agree to it. We have four - they're mine in that I pay for them and sort their trips to the vet, but I'd never have got them if DH wasn't fully on board and if I'm working or out, he does 100% of their care.

That said, pets were something we discussed before we even got into a relationship as there's no way I'd have married someone who didn't want pets.

I think @NoSquirrels is right that his reaction to the cat has evoked something else for you. How are things more generally, pre as well as post-cat? And is it a case of your wishes often being sidelined? To mis-quote Freud, is the cat just a cat or a symbol of something else?

You are tolerated as long as you do what he says. He wants to make you feel as bad as possible over something that made you happy

This is your first year of marriage, it is tough if you haven’t lived together before but it should be tough in other ways.
This is almost sounding like coercive control.

What if you return the cat and then you do something else he doesn’t like. Do you give up that? Do you live your life only doing what your husband approves of even if you miss out on things that make you happy.

If you go on holiday to a place you really want to go to but he doesn’t will he ruin the experience to teach you that only doing what he wants will lead to a peaceful life.
If you capitulate on this one thing it gives a green light to him because he knows he only has to act like an arse and shout and scream at you and make you feel awful and you then do as you are told.

People might be flippantly telling you to return the Dh but there is a serious reason behind it.

Whilst you might love your Dh, the question is does he love you in the same way?
This isn’t about him saying he loves you but you feeling loved and his actions towards you.

If he does love you then have why do you feel like an unwanted guest in your own home.

The cat is a red herring. It could be anything you do that doesn’t meet his approval. Marriage is about compromise. It isn’t about making the other person feel awful so you get your own way.

Have you seen the vet with regards to flea treatment?
I had this once with my cat. You have to treat the cat and the house at the same time.
Everything needs spraying including clothes, bedding, soft furnishings etc
and especially under skirting boards and down the sides and the underneath of the sofa
Everywhere the little feckers hide and lay their eggs and you have to do it again if you find they haven’t gone after a few days.

Surely the problem is your communication. You said you want a cat, he was "if you must". If he didn't want a cat and wasn't prepared to have one in the house he should have said no.
He is now using his ambiguous communication to make you responsible for him feeling miserable.
Why didn't he just say no? Why didn't come back and say, I thought I could live with an animal, but this isn't working?

If you rehomed the cat (and the fleas magically disappeared), do you think your marriage would be happy again?

Do you really think the issue is that he is being controlling?

Isn't frontline prescription free? These never work as good as ones given by vet.My cat had awful lot of fleas, advocate killed them all. We hade to give him a bath 3x, because he was in awful condition, I saw dead fleas coming out of his fur, and after a bath too. Did you give it a try? It's very cheap, I think tenner for one dose.

Ask your dh to give up something that gives him joy

No @thelobsterquadrille , this post does not say, insinuate or imply in any way that I expect him to like the cat.

DH has hobbies and interests that impact on my life. Mostly in a small way because it’s been like this since I’ve met him so I don’t notice or question that I cannot use the garage because it is filed to the brim with stuff. I don’t question that this impacts on the sort of house we can buy and the sort of area we can buy in. It just is.

But when I think on it, it’s hard not to be upset that I make this compromise but it does not work the other way. Or if it did - and I spent an entire week talking about how awful it is we can’t live in a particular village and how much I want to and how terrible it is where we live (it isn’t but for illustrative purposes) - maybe I should!

When you talk about compromise, I think living without a pet is a far smaller compromise than living with a pet you don't want and never wanted.

I'm not an animal person and would never live with a pet, I even stopped dating people when I realised they had pets as there was clearly no future in it.

Your H really should have explained to you that he didn't want a pet, but perhaps he didn't know much about cats and fleas etc. Or maybe you and the dc kept on a bit?

'
I like dogs, but my husband does not, so we've never had a dog. It's a compromise we made, but 17 years on and I still feel a little sad my kids never had a dog.

We have had cats and if DH did not want those either, then as an animal lover, I would take issue with no animals whatsoever.

If you rehome the cat, are you OK with a lifetime of no pets? I know I wouldn't be.

The issue is, as you said, what happens next time you do something your husband doesn't like?
So if I bought a dog home, I would expect issues.
If he said no pets at all, he should expect issues.
Compromise - we will not always agree with what each other says or does.

In your case, your husband did not want a cat, like mine does not want a dog. That ship has sailed though, so in your position now, I know I could not give up the cat once it was there, so I would ask your husband if he could adapt to having the cat. If my husband insisted we give an animal away, then I know I could not do it.

What’s your relationship like in general?
do you have shared plans? Do you support each other? Can you rely on him? Do you trust each other?

Is this just about the cat or are there deeper problems?

sending you love as it sounds as if you are very upset at the moment.

Our advice is 100% dependent on whether you do really still have a flea infestation or not. Shrugging "I've tried X and Y, what more can I do?" and giving up is not the act of a responsible adult or a loving spouse, so I'm glad you're going back to the vet. Have you checked the cat with a fine toothed comb?

If you don't still have fleas then DH is either suffering from psychosomatic itching (very possible) or being an arsehole (also very possible). You need a grown up conversation about your feelings.

I don’t think I’d call it controlling but I do think as I indicated above he sees his life as something I’m a guest in and mostly a welcome guest but I should not be. Guest at all.

I'm not particularly into our pets but the rest of the family love them, it's a compromise

The fleas are part of the issue though, don't you see that?

One of your husband's biggest complaints is the fleas.

It makes sense to sort that out and see if that solves the problem.

It's such a simple thing to do.

You get flea bombs and spray and you blast the house.

You get your cat to the vet and get them on a monthly de flea and de worming programme.

Your failure to do that is part of the reason you are needing marriage advice.

So here's the marriage advice

Sort the fleas out because they are making your husband unhappy.

It's not the cat's fault. They can't make their own appointments for what is let's face it pretty basic cat care.

I agree with you that it is probably all psychological now and the fleas have actually gone. Have the DC been bitten?

You might need to think harder about your marriage if you feel that DH would be happier without you (and the cat). You say you feel like a guest...is it his house?
Perhaps you need to ask him whether this is really about imaginary fleas, just a way to get his own way or is he unhappy about your relationship in general. My DH wasn't really bothered about having pets but we had loads of them from Rabbits, hedgehogs, cats and dogs. I did all the work and he tolerated them as he knew how much I liked them! That is a partnership, perhaps your DH doesn't see it that way.

but if it’s feeling itchy rather than being actually bitten that’s harder.

That sounds like he isn't actually being bitten but is fixating on fleas being in the house (which I think is unlikely if you've had the house professionally treated), and that is causing the itch-his own head.

In all of this - you haven't said if you actually have seen fleas.

You have 2 problems:

1. Fleas. Spray everything (absolutely everything) with Indorex. You need many more cans than they say. Plus Bravecto for the cat.
2. Husband. Honestly, he's a bit shit isn't he? My DH was animal averse when he met me, but he loved me and I came with cats so he worked on it and now he is the main cat carer. If your husband doesn't love you enough to cope with a cat, is he really in it for the long term?