To rehome cat because of pressure on marriage

[Freshstillwater]

I’ve posted about this before but I didn’t get many serious replies.

I have been married for nearly a year, and just after our wedding I adopted a cat from a charity. I did talk about this with DH first, there was some eye rolling and ‘if you must’ but it was good humoured.

Nearly a year on and it’s really difficult. The cat had fleas which bit DH, he was pretty annoyed about this. He really doesn’t like the cat, I mean, I knew he wasn’t really into animals but I misread dislike as actual neutrality.

The complaining about the cat is really getting to me, I feel like he’d be happier without the cat and me, tbh.

I am not sure what to do now.

Thanks @HeadNorth . DH and I have to make a longish car journey where I’m going to broach the subject.

I don’t see a rant.

I explicitly say I am not being snappy.

Barking - that is how others have spoken to me.

Evil fucker - yes, I have had some posts telling me ‘you sound awful.’

’burned at the stake’ I’m sorry my attempt at wry humour was obviously lost. I did not literally mean this.

A friend had a similar issue with her cats. A relative came to stay and his dog had fleas, which were passed on to the household and cats. Nothing worked at first, and she was told by the ver that fleas have built resistance to treatment. She was recommended Stronghold, which you can buy online and it comes from Germany. Maybe give that a try before rehoming your cat? Sorry you are going through such an stressful situation, I love my cats and would be heartbroken too if I had to re home them.

Goodness me you have been given a hard time OP

Yes maybe in retrospect things if you hadn't got the cat you wouldn't be in this situation, but I don't think you had anyway of knowing that your DH would be so difficult and unsupportive of the unexpected problems you have face with fleas.

I'm sure you don't want any more flea advice, but we had a house cat that very occasionally ventured in to the garden with us, that ended up with fleas.
I was the bitten horribly and repeatedly and we would treat the cat and the house and it would settle for a while.
We used furniture and carpet spray as well as bombs. What worked in the end was repeating this every 2-3 months for a about 9 months.

I do think it sounds like DH is the problem.
Is he really not aware of how much his behaviour is upsetting you?
If he isn't, you need to let him know.
If he is, then you might need to think about things longer term.
Sounds like you love him very much, wpuld he be open to counselling if he knew how effected you were?

Only married a year, it shouldn't be this hard x

Married a year but clearly together much longer. Op won't answer how long though. So most people are assuming only together a short time (but there are kids, again not clear if joint)

There's no way I would get rid of the cat. I would however consider getting rid of the husband.

If your house is infested with fleas then getting rid of the cat won't actually make any difference. I suspect your husband has become fixated on the idea of fleas and that is causing him to be itchy.

Keep the poor cat, there's no way she will be rehomed at this time of year.

OK whatever. It comes across a complete rant since nothing you referenced there applies to me, and yet out of all posters you tagged ME when MY earlier reply to you "explicitly stated" I wasn't intending to make you feel bad. I'd also acknowledged that the husband might be at fault but we didn't have enough info to go on. It was a totally genuine response, but you're obviously on one. Whatever.

@Freshstillwater 💐I’m sorry to hear you are having to rehome your cat.

I wonder, did you see the post suggesting your dh may be reacting now to the flea treatment, rather than fleas themselves? It’s unfortunate your dh’s first cat experience was spoilt by fleas, as it is utterly miserable to feel itchy all the time, and difficult to take your mind off it. You were not unreasonable to have wanted to try, though.

We have a cat my dh didn’t really want - he succumbed because one of our children was desperate to have one. Our cat is also from Cats Protection. He is gorgeous, but it took a long time for dh to tolerate him and even longer to grudgingly become rather fond of him. He sees how much genuine pleasure the cat gives to other members of the family, which helps. I don’t think he would have done if fleas had been added to the mix! If you haven’t grown up with cats in the house, it does take some getting used to.

I think you've been very measured OP. You've taken a lot of criticism and taken it extremely calmly and gracefully. Very unusual on MN if I may say so!

I'm sad that you have to rehome your cat but I also think, at least for now, it's the right decision.

I do really hope that you've managed to talk to your DH and open a bigger conversation about how to apportion chores and money and hopes and dreams more easily...

All the best to you x

Thanks @Geville - I did have a very beneficial chat with DH about the cat. As it is, I am pleased to report the cat is staying. He appears to be flea free (the treatment from the vet does seem to have done the trick) which is a relief for him and of course for us.

Many posts on here have been extremely helpful and I am grateful for them.

This is what I was thinking your husband might be feeling. I love cats but when we realised frontline doesn't work and we had an infestation of fleas it felt horrible, and I imagine so much worse if you don't even like cats much. I wouldn't blame him either for being wishywashy about the cat in the first place, he probably thought it wouldn't impact on him much but look at what he got! I wouldn't generalise it to him only wanting what he wants, I think you might be minimising his experience of not feeling comfortable in his own home.

Oh, great news! Glad for you, DH and the cat.

That is great to hear, I’m glad you’ve managed to have a productive conversation with your DH and that kitty is staying 😀

When people say they don’t like pets that is what they mean. The person who wants a pet can choose to nuance and reinterpret every aspect of every conversation that went on throughout the arm twisting phase to convince themselves “but you said you were alright with it…” but it’s BS. Looking forwards - get rid of the cat, it’s a cat. And don’t get another pet.

So happy for you and your cat xx

To clarify: rehome - because cats don’t give a toss about their owners, not because cats or any other animal don’t matter.

Funny you should say that when you’re the one who got a pet without your husband’s agreement.

Those who say ‘regime the husband’ are just being silly.

I know neither my husband nor I would get a pet without the other’s agreement.

Getting to know each other better in the first year of marriage is hard enough ( unless you lived together beforehand). Why add a pet into the mix then?

I assume you husband’s hobbies are not at home and you don’t have to be around when he does them?
Thats not comparable to the cat at all

These comparisons make no sense?

@Freshstillwater

What else makes you feel like an unwanted guest in your own home?

It seems to me that your husband has devalued you as part of a narcissistic pattern of relating to significant others in their lives.

Yes. Rehome the cat. Animals deserved to be loved and wanted.

But do it through a reputable charity or rescue. Do NOT just give your cat away to random strangers.

Leaving aside the flea issue, you could take the view that you have so little respect for your husband that you brought a cat that he wasn't keen on into his home. Or, you could look at it that he has so little respect for you that he doesn't want the cat that gives you pleasure in your lives.

Personally I would be very hurt indeed if someone expected me to make a significant change to my life that I wasn't fully on board with (children, animals, location, work pattern, etc). And I would question how much I meant to that person.

I wish I hadn't posted before reading your last few updates OP, we all like to put in our 2c worth of life experience hindsight 🙄 I'm so glad you're going to keep the cat and hopefully the flea problem is resolved and calm settles, then you can start to evaluate whether you have a deeper relationship problem, or it all got blown out of proportion by this conflict. (I have been there only with a rabbit/biting wires/electric shocks scenario! Best wishes 💐

Great the cat is finally flea free

and dh happy

but what happens when /of cat gets fleas again