To rehome cat because of pressure on marriage

[Freshstillwater]

I’ve posted about this before but I didn’t get many serious replies.

I have been married for nearly a year, and just after our wedding I adopted a cat from a charity. I did talk about this with DH first, there was some eye rolling and ‘if you must’ but it was good humoured.

Nearly a year on and it’s really difficult. The cat had fleas which bit DH, he was pretty annoyed about this. He really doesn’t like the cat, I mean, I knew he wasn’t really into animals but I misread dislike as actual neutrality.

The complaining about the cat is really getting to me, I feel like he’d be happier without the cat and me, tbh.

I am not sure what to do now.

You got very very sad at my post asking if you got pissed off on another thread? 😐

@Freshstillwater

You started a thread about the CAT. You've given NO OTHER INFO for anyone to advise on. You focused on the cat, so have the replies.

Sorry if I now sound snappy when you're clearly down but you did tag me In a huge rant when I've neither "barked" nor labeled you "an evil fucker". My response was genuine but you're obviously taking everything badly, even the Emma one. I would get this deleted and start a Relationships thread giving more context for people to respond to in a more useful way.

No, @Feef83 I’m not very sad because you asked me if I got as pissed off on another thread.

I’m sad because I’m having to part with a cat I do care about. I’m guilty because I’m putting pressure on a charity at Christmas and I feel awful about that. I’ve also had some rather unpleasant news in the last 24 hours which has nothing to do with DH or the cat but hasn’t improved my rather pensive mood.

I am not sad by your post. I clearly said that I felt sad rather than ‘furious’ which is the emotion you have incorrectly attributed to me.

And I do find it hard to understand why you would make that post - calling someone furious is a way of saying that they are unreasonable, have lost all control / perspective and I realise people haven’t read the thread very closely but I can assure you I have not.

But I am sure my sadness is nothing more than something to snicker at.

No I didn’t, @LadyApplejack but seriously who is this helping?

I have had the answers, I’ve decided on a course of action - I’m gutted about it - what is to be gained by endlessly turning over stones, telling me I posted in the wrong place, I didn’t include the correct info, I did this wrong, I did that wrong?

Who is that helping, really?

But I am sure my sadness is nothing more than something to snicker at.

oh for goodness sake Op.

Thank you @Feef83 for your kind words

@Freshstillwater omg. This is baffling. You literally posted about a cat and YOU are turning people over because the replies are focusing on the same issue you did.

As I explained I READ your other replies and cannot see what else this is about except the cat. You literally haven't said! I honestly don't know what you want but don't tag people in a rant and then moan when they respond 🙄

Look. You’ve tried having a pet. Your DH has tried having a pet. It catagorically isn’t working for you as a household. Get rid of the cat, get over it and focus on the health and well-being of your family. If you keep the cat, you’ve got your priorities all wrong.

Tbh, I'm surprised your husband hasn't got rid of you! And the cat! I wouldn't be able to stand living in that environment.

If you value your husband and your marriage, get rid of the cat that your husband never wanted in the first place.

It is baffling isn’t it?

I posted asking for advice. I have received that advice and to surmise, I was extremely naive and foolish in expecting DH to share the home with an animal he doesn’t want or like. I was unintentionally selfish.

I have conceded this - so why are people persisting in telling me not only this, but also that I posted in the wrong place, I didn’t include the information I should have, I did this wrong, I did that wrong?

I will repeat, who is it helping?

And I am certainly not ranting. You are. Don’t blame me for the fact you lose control.

Just step away from the thread, OP.

The thread focused on the cat because 1) you gave a lot of detail about the cat and almost no extra detail about the relationship in general and 2) because it’s AIBU.

Let it die off, you don’t have to respond even if another 500 replies come in about the cat and the fleas.

Fwiw, I don’t think you should rehome your cat on MN’s say-so. Take a bit of time to let the Bravecto work and buy some Indorex. Give it till January at least.

Here's your rant. "Barking". "Evil fucker". "Burned at the stake"

I was gonna leave it at your last weird victim-y reply but since you've come back at me AGAIN 🙄

@Freshstillwater I would honestly ask MNHQ to close the thread at this point (lie and say it’s outing in real life) or hide it or mute it or whatever.

I’m really sorry you’re in this rock/hard place position and have had to make this decision. The Litter Tray board might be a good place to post about your grief over having to rehome?

I’ll step away when I wish to @NoSquirrels . If people are going to reply with things that are a) unpleasant and b) untrue I’m not going to ignore them. Especially since ignoring the thread doesn’t work - people just keep piling on.

I have no doubt you mean well but when I want to ‘step away’ I will.

Sorry you're getting a hard time here OP, you haven't BU at all. You've done everything you can for your pet, your home and your marriage and your husband doesn't seem to be doing the same. He's stonewalling you and if this is the way he deals with things, he's likely to do it over other things he doesn't like in the future. This is bigger than the cat, it's about how you communicate together and how he treats you when times are hard. If you want to be with him maybe couples counselling would help.

I’m sorry OP, the sensible posts have been lost in a sea of vicious bile. For what it’s worth I think you’ve done everything you can, and you didn’t do a bad thing. If you do decide to rehome him, take comfort in knowing he was warm, well fed and loved by you, and he will continue to be all of those things be it at the charity or a new home. I only ever go for the old, sad looking cats so someone like me will take him.

On another note, I think you perhaps need to think about individual counselling to work out if your relationship is healthy. From what you are saying, the cat is a symptom of a bigger issue for sure. 💐

@stuntbubbles likewise I have no doubt you mean well, but the bullies win then. Not going to happen. I am many things but I’m not going to run away sobbing because a handful of idiots think I’m ‘ranting’

Thank you @Blocked and @HangryFeminist . I am going to speak to CPL now - sure I will come back to pages accusing me of all sorts and you know I can handle that, I don’t need ot wish the thread to be moved, taken down or whatever. I am an adult woman and I have faced far worse in my life than dickheads on here.

I posted asking for advice. I have received that advice and to surmise, I was extremely naive and foolish in expecting DH to share the home with an animal he doesn’t want or like. I was unintentionally selfish.

A lot of people have said that but by no means all. A lot of other people have tried to see beneath the ‘unwanted cat foisted on unwilling man’ thing to get to the relationships issue, but that’s nearly impossible on AIBU when people see ‘CAT!!!’

I have conceded this - so why are people persisting in telling me not only this, but also that I posted in the wrong place, I didn’t include the information I should have, I did this wrong, I did that wrong?

You haven’t done anything wrong, you are not wrong, step away if it is making you feel worse not better. Post again sometime in Relationships about the ‘feeling like a guest’ issue with no mention of the cat at all.

@Freshstillwater OK. I’m stepping out then. I don’t think it’s a “bullies win” or “running away sobbing” – it’s the advice I’d give myself. To let MN froth away at itself while I went off and lived my life. Best of luck rehoming the cat.

OP, I am not going to comment on the cat or your DH.

I'm only posting to wish you well and to say I'm sorry you're sad about the course of action you've decided to take regarding the cat. And the other unpleasant news you had yesterday. And the way in which your husband has dealt with this situation and, seemingly, other occasions where you've disagreed.

I hope things get better and happier for you.

What really helps is not people saying step away (which subtly puts the blame on the OP for engaging) but people actually being supportive.

I know this sounds like I am being critical, that really is not my intention, but I am going to say it. My posts here have been polite. I have engaged. I have agreed. I have come to a solution. ‘Step away’ sounds as if I am the one who is inflaming the situation, I am not.

That is not a criticism, it’s just explaining why I’m not going to step away

@Freshstillwater I've just popped on to give you a handhold as some posters are forming an unpleasant wee gang on this thread.

I don't think you should make hasty decisions about the cat as I do not think it was resolve what are obviously simmering issues in your marriage. You are dealing with the fleas, but you DH has the fleas as a cast iron reason to use the cat acquisition against you and he isn't going to relinquish that lightly.

You should never feel like a guest in your own home. For now, I would stand firm saying you are treating the flea issue and that you want to have a clear discussion about communication and compromise in your marriage that isn't derailed by him going on and on about cat fleas. I don't think rehoming your cat will address the larger issues in your relationship.

Thanks @Gazelda