AIBU to make a complaint to head

[bothsidesofasmile]

Hi all,

I'm looking for some opinions on if I'm being unreasonable with my child's primary school. DS6 after being picked up from afterschool club was visibly upset. After asking what was wrong he told us that a member of staff at the after school club had shouted at him because he accidentally broke a new toy. He said he was putting it away as it was tidy up time and one piece didn't fit in the box, he thought said piece could come apart and I'm trying to pull it apart it broke. Another child told this member of staff who approached DS and he says told him off and told him not to do it again. His twin brother also confirms this story.

Now I should mention DS is on the SEN register and is on the autism diagnosis pathway for social and emotional issues. He can be a sensitive child and this is known by all staff members. I emailed DS class teacher and the sendco at the school as I thought this was a bit much for what had happened and was surprised a member of staff had approached DS in this way knowing of his additional needs. I sent the email feeling as if perhaps half of the story was missing as is often the case with children of DS age.

To my surprise the sendco at the school emailed me to confirm DS story. Although apparently there was no shouting but he was spoken to firmly. The sendco says the children had been warned that this was a new toy and they were to be careful with it. The Higher level ta confirms that she said it was a shame that it had got broken as no one could play with it now and that DS was upset but she make a big thing of it and encouraged him to move on to the next activity. The sendco says the ta acted appropriately for the situation.

Now this has thrown me a little AIBU to expect a child not to be shamed after an accident and to not need to be spoken to firmly after an accident? Or am I being too sensitive?

You are being too sensitive.

I wouldn’t complain to the head about this no, it’s a very minor matter in the scheme of things.

You are being ridiculous. He was told to be careful. He broke it by pulling it apart. He was told off. Additional needs or not. I can't see why this is unreasonable. He is upset that he was told off. This is normal. It will not be possible for your ds to be managed at school if you are outraged every time he is told that he made the wrong choice.

Too sensitive. He broke something by not being careful, accidentally or not and was told the consequences ie no one else could now enjoy it. He wasn't punished and they then moved past it.

You are being ridiculous.

Yeah, sorry but there are actions and consequences.

Child told off for breaking a toy!
If he broke a toy at home, would you not tell him off?

YABVU

He didn’t accidentally pull it apart though; he did it deliberately to get it into the box. He didn’t think it would break, so it was unintended, but the action of pulling ot apart wasn’t an accident.

You are being unreasonable.

He broke a toy through not being careful.

It's not him being spoken to that I have a problem with, it's the fact that he was spoken to 'firmly' about an accident and that he was spoken 'firmly' enough to make him cry

You are being too sensitive. He was upset because he was told off, I get upset if I'm told off and I'm an adult. It doesn't mean the telling off was wrong or unjustified. Feeling bad about mistakes we make is how we learn not to make them again.

You are being unreasonable. Of course a child needs to be told off if they break something.

Yes that's true I just think it's the intent here that matters. If he had done it with intent I could understand him being spoken to firmly but I do not understand the use or necessity of this tone for an unintended break

He was spoken to firmly. Which I think is appropriate.

I'm sorry he was upset and that he's having difficulties which are being investigated. But I don't think you'll be doing him any favours if you don't allow him to be firmly spoken to when he does something he's been warned against.

You are being unreasonable. The vast majority of children, unless they have very complex SEND need to see a consequence to an action. This may well have been an accident but nonetheless, the toy now cannot be used.
How are teachers supposed to manage behaviour if they are not allowed to firmly remind pupils of appropriate behaviour and expectations?

You need to get a serious grip! You want to complain that your child got told off for breaking a new toy and that he was spoken to firmly. I hope you have offered to replace said new toy so all of the other children don’t have to go without because your child was careless (accident or not)? I’m guessing not though. In fact, you should be ashamed of yourself that you actually think you should waste peoples time by complaining about it.

Will you offer to replace the toy?

What was it?

Sounds like it might be quite special if the teacher warned the children to be careful with it.

This is ridiculous. Was she wrong for telling him off for breaking the toy or wrong for telling him off because of his SEN. SEN is not a free pass. He still needs to follow behaviour rules.

Also, don't assume that the staff member hadn't bought that toy herself and was also upset about that. I have bought most of the toys and resources in my classroom because we have a budget of £0. It does upset me when things get broken, even though I expect some normal breakages.

Somebody deliberately breaking it would definitely be told off in my school and that is what he did. You need to help him to learn the point he should have stopped trying to force it into the box and ask for adult help.

Have you never spoken to him sharply when he's done something without thinking?

I know that I shouted very harshly at DD when she was 4yo just as she was about to do something silly. I remember it and feel bad that I made DD cry, even 10 years later. But the consequences of her not learning that lesson would have been worse for her.

For the love of God, OP, people can't be expected to tip toe around a 'sensitive' child and use a wishy-washy sing-song voice all the time.
YABVU.

It’s horrible when your child is upset however I work with children and sometimes just a simple reminder of behaviour can reduce a sensitive child to tears (usually the most well behaved child that isn’t used to being spoken to about their behaviour). I can say hand on heart my intention has never been to make any of the children cry!

Consequences are the toy is now broken, other children cannot play with it. Whilst he didn’t intend to break it, his actions did. Being reminded that he was told to be gentle with the new toy and that as he didn’t follow this instruction it’s broken. It is perfectly appropriate to point this out, SEN or not. It doesn’t sound like it went anything beyond a quick reminder of expected behaviour.

He does have issues asking for adults help and this is something the teacher are aware of. It wasn't deliberate though was it! He did it unintentionally while trying to tidy up in his head he was doing the right thing. And yes you are right the teacher could have very well got it with her own money or had been very frustrated at the fact it was broken but as an adult in her role o would expect her to have better emotional regulation and not put that frustration on to a child.

I have offered to replace the toy! It was a game that several of them were playing. Sounds like the type where you put something on your head and the other players try to throw stuff into it

With all respect OP, speaking firmly to someone who has not been gentle as instructed and subsequently broken something is not emotional disregulation.

Wow you are defo being too sensitive. Children will be spoken too firmly quite often in school and in some cases shouted at. Not a big deal. Esp if he's broke a new toy. Think that would make me lose my calm childminder voice too.