AIBU to make a complaint to head

[bothsidesofasmile]

Hi all,

I'm looking for some opinions on if I'm being unreasonable with my child's primary school. DS6 after being picked up from afterschool club was visibly upset. After asking what was wrong he told us that a member of staff at the after school club had shouted at him because he accidentally broke a new toy. He said he was putting it away as it was tidy up time and one piece didn't fit in the box, he thought said piece could come apart and I'm trying to pull it apart it broke. Another child told this member of staff who approached DS and he says told him off and told him not to do it again. His twin brother also confirms this story.

Now I should mention DS is on the SEN register and is on the autism diagnosis pathway for social and emotional issues. He can be a sensitive child and this is known by all staff members. I emailed DS class teacher and the sendco at the school as I thought this was a bit much for what had happened and was surprised a member of staff had approached DS in this way knowing of his additional needs. I sent the email feeling as if perhaps half of the story was missing as is often the case with children of DS age.

To my surprise the sendco at the school emailed me to confirm DS story. Although apparently there was no shouting but he was spoken to firmly. The sendco says the children had been warned that this was a new toy and they were to be careful with it. The Higher level ta confirms that she said it was a shame that it had got broken as no one could play with it now and that DS was upset but she make a big thing of it and encouraged him to move on to the next activity. The sendco says the ta acted appropriately for the situation.

Now this has thrown me a little AIBU to expect a child not to be shamed after an accident and to not need to be spoken to firmly after an accident? Or am I being too sensitive?

Exactly! Not once as an adult have been shouted at or talked firmly to if I made an accident. It's usually met with how can we fix it, we all make mistakes. Just general compassion. We seem to forget that with children and just label them as naughty!

Exactly! People forget that children are not there to be dominated. They make mistakes and deserve compassion and kindness in the wake of them. His brain doesn't work the same way as other people's, he's going to process things differently. It wasn't a purposeful break or done in anger or frustration. Mistakes happen, things get broken.

He was shamed though, it was pointed out in a “firm voice” that the other children wouldnt be able to play with the toy now. That’s shaming.

Children (disabilities or not) should never be blamed / shamed for things they do unintentionally/ by accident, even if those accidents have exasperating consequences.

@ExhaustedFlamingo brilliant post and I entirely agree, if the toy was so precious maybe the TA should have put it away herself or not had it there at all. The usual pig ignorant comments here I see from people who have zero knowledge of sen kids and some particularly nasty and judgemental ones from @User135792468.

It was pointed out that his actions have consequences for other people, I think that's a useful lesson and don't consider it "shaming" as the lesson was for him, it wasn't a dressing down designed to humiliate.

Small children are egocentric. Pointing out that their actions even their innocent actions, can be deleterious to others can be a powerful learning point. When I was small I remember my friend and I had a really exciting time making splatter paintings (basically flicking paint off out brushes at the easels) at playscheme. What we didn't realise- because we were 5 and very intent on what we were doing - was that our stray paint got on a lot of other things, including the paintings of other children. We wrecked an awful lot of other people's artwork that day. This was pointed out to us by a parent helper. She didn't shout, though she probably did use a firm voice. I certainly cried because I felt bad. And that was ok. I learnt that, even though you don't mean to, not being careful means there can be unintended outcomes. It made me more careful, at least around paint, and to think a bit more about what else might happen when I got one of my bright ideas.

Your child broke a toy, by being disobedient or not listening. Have you considered offering to replace it?

Ffs 🙄

I'm loosing the will this morning. Senco has said that it was important for DS to understand he had upset the ta by breaking the item as this is something all children need to understand 😒

@bothsidesofasmile sadly I'm not surprised, my senco don't get it at all. I think much more training is needed in schools. My friend set up her own autistic training programme after being exasperated by schools complete lack of knowledge. I suggested to it senco that she come in and do some training as they clearly need it !! They declined 🙄

Well done to your friend, what an amazing thing to do and so badly needed. It is extremely exasperating that people don't understand and think you're being unreasonable. This post has given a prime example of the sheer lack of understanding. It's upsetting that this is the world my son is going to have to battle his whole life, I'm hopeful that things are changing just extremely slowly

gah!! How frustrating.

I think I would reframe this in different terms that make it easier for the SENCO to see the issue.

Off the top of my head......ask her if a disabled child who mobilised using a walking frame fell over while getting around, and crushed the same toy...would they be scolded for their carelessness? Would that child "have to learn that they'd upset others"? Or would the school accept that she can't help falling over because of her disability and that she didn't fall over on purpose?

It's the same thing. Both are disabilities and both are accidental damage as a direct result of the disability.

I would actually put this to the SENCO and see what her response is. It's a classic case of invisible disabilities being dismissed and actually, it's incredibly ablest.

Absolutely fuming for you OP.

That's a great example but I'm not sure how to frame it in terms of DS needs. I suppose I could highlight comprehension difficulties and asking for help from adults as these are both highlighted in his salt report.

Another line of the email states "she fully understands his needs and how best to support him. How she reacted took this into consideration" this has got me and I'm waiting to fully cool off before I reply.

@ExhaustedFlamingo

You're being too sensitive. Accidentally or not, he broke something that was brand new. I'm not surprised he got spoken to firmly.
His SEN is pretty irrelevant. Are you not supposed to "tell off" SEN kids? If they need correction, of course you are! If he's in mainstream school, he's capable of handling a telling off. Loads of kids are upset when you tell them off - that's normal. SEN doesn't make you immune from discipline, or give you a free pass.

You very clearly don't understand.

If you went to work and dropped a mug, or broke the coffee machine accidentally, would you expect to be stood up in front of your colleagues and "spoken to firmly ' by your boss?

There is correction, which can, and should, be done gently and without causing distress and shame to a child. He broke something, he already felt bad, didn't try to hide what had happened and was honest about it.

"We need to be careful with delicate things like this, I can show you how to put this away so that it doesn't get broken next time. Shall we see if we can fix it? Are you ok?" was all it would have required.

Yes, exactly.

So the toy was broken due to your DS's disability which manifests as processing delays, lack of comprehension and difficulties with expressive speech (ie/asking for assistance), which were outlined in the SALT report. The toy was broken as a direct result of his disability and difficulties, at a time where your child was taking particular care to try and NOT break the toy by taking it apart before placing it in the box.

Hi SENCO,

Further to our conversations, I remain deeply concerned about the strategies employed and the insistence that this was the correct way to address the matter.

I understand the frustration with the toy being broken, and as per my previous correspondence, I will be purchasing a replacement as a matter of urgency.

If DS had been deliberately careless, rough or reckless with the toy, I would agree with the course of action. However, the reverse is actually true. DS was taking particular care to place the toy in the box without breaking it. He believed that the toy came apart, and that was the only way that it could fit into the box.

It's very evident that his SEN is the sole reason that this situation arose. As you are aware from the SALT report, DS has processing delays, difficulties with comprehension and also challenges with expressive speech.

Given that there were no intent or lack of care on his part, and his actions arose solely as a result of his SEN, I'm still struggling to see how a reprimand will help him learn from this experience? Or how it was appropriate? It feels very much that DS is being reprimanded for something which was beyond the scope of his control and understanding at the time.

A parallel to this would be a child with a physical disability, who fell over while attempting to walk, breaking the toy as they fell. Would they be similarly reprimanded for falling over? (I would sincerely hope the answer to this would would be no!)

Both of these outcomes are directly attributable to SEN/disability but it feels that my DS is being penalised as his needs are not so outwardly visible.

Can you please explain to me:

a) how your response to his actions took his needs "into consideration"
b) why it's appropriate to reprimand a child who was trying to follow the instructions but due to SEN misinterpreted the correct process
c) how the actions taken will prevent this situation from happening again - not just with this toy, but another toy?
d) how were "reasonable adjustments" made which accommodate my DS's known SEN?
e) given his known SEN as described in the SALT report, what actions were taken to ensure that my DS knew how to put the toy away? eg/modelling the process and checking his comprehension

I'm failing to see how DS was given any support in the circumstances or how his needs were taken into account. He appears to have been reprimanded just as any non-SEN child would have been who broke the toy deliberately. Reprimanding a child who thought they were doing the right thing will create a fear response and only exacerbate his difficulties.

Your email seems to suggest that you are centring the TA's upset at the breakage rather than addressing the fact that my DS's known SEN needs hadn't been fully met, and that's why the misunderstanding occurred.

I believe it's entirely feasible to have dealt with the situation, and addressed the TA's upset, without rebuking DS. For example, a conversation - or even better, a social story - which sets out how other children and teachers are sad when things get broken, and what actions he could take to avoid this again eg/putting the item to one side if it doesn't fit in the box. This would have made it a learning experience for him, without being punished for having SEN - which is how it feels now.

I await your reply.

*ExhaustedFlamingo I think I might be a bit in love with you.

@bothsidesofasmile - sorry that's so long! I've been up all night and not slept so I'm not the most coherent at the moment!!

That's how I would address it. It's not even this particular incident, it's their overarching attitude that they can reprimand the SEN away!

You could go in even harder by referencing the Equality Act and the SEN Code, but that would be a bit OTT I think.

@SnotRag22 😅😅it's a mutual thing - I was just appreciating your post too 💐

SEN is not a free pass.

Louder for the people in the back please - knew from the opening line of OP that SEN would be involved somewhere.

I was a sensitive child, still got told off when I did things wrong.

YABU

"Knew SEN would be involved somewhere".

That's a very passive aggressive way to say you don't believe that SEN is real. Absolutely sick to the back teeth of ignorant comments like this.

Autism isn't just a child that's "sensitive". It's a cognitive and processing delay in the brain, and in this child's case was accompanied by documented difficulties with expressive language and comprehension difficulties.

Did you know that MRI scans of the brain light up differently in an autistic brain? Autism alters the brain's wiring. It's not a fictitious condition.

Punishing a child for their actual disability is what you're suggesting. YABU.

I think you are being unreasonable. Ds has autism and a severe learning disability. Sometimes he does things that he doesn't understand are a problem and I don't shout but he is spoken to firmly about it. There is nothing wrong with being the ' difficult parent' when fighting for your child but choose your battles.

I honestly despair. Being sensitive, and having SEN are not the same. Having SEN doesn't give you "a free pass" but it does require the adults caring for you to understand what is going to help and what is going to hinder. Which the adults in this scenario clearly didn't.

I use sensitive to describe my DS because people don't understand, or want to understand, his additional needs.

It doesn't mean I don't think he should be chastised if he's done something wrong. It doesn't mean I don't think he should be corrected. I do expect the adults who care for him whilst I'm not there to be able to deal with him kindly, gently and compassionately. And I expect them to problem solve with him and model the behaviour that they expect from him.

😁😍💐

@ExhaustedFlamingo you are absolutely brilliant! And I concur on the love 💕 it is remarkable how you able to take all the thoughts out of my head and put them down into a coherent paragraph! You are amazing, thank you 💐