AIBU to make a complaint to head

[bothsidesofasmile]

Hi all,

I'm looking for some opinions on if I'm being unreasonable with my child's primary school. DS6 after being picked up from afterschool club was visibly upset. After asking what was wrong he told us that a member of staff at the after school club had shouted at him because he accidentally broke a new toy. He said he was putting it away as it was tidy up time and one piece didn't fit in the box, he thought said piece could come apart and I'm trying to pull it apart it broke. Another child told this member of staff who approached DS and he says told him off and told him not to do it again. His twin brother also confirms this story.

Now I should mention DS is on the SEN register and is on the autism diagnosis pathway for social and emotional issues. He can be a sensitive child and this is known by all staff members. I emailed DS class teacher and the sendco at the school as I thought this was a bit much for what had happened and was surprised a member of staff had approached DS in this way knowing of his additional needs. I sent the email feeling as if perhaps half of the story was missing as is often the case with children of DS age.

To my surprise the sendco at the school emailed me to confirm DS story. Although apparently there was no shouting but he was spoken to firmly. The sendco says the children had been warned that this was a new toy and they were to be careful with it. The Higher level ta confirms that she said it was a shame that it had got broken as no one could play with it now and that DS was upset but she make a big thing of it and encouraged him to move on to the next activity. The sendco says the ta acted appropriately for the situation.

Now this has thrown me a little AIBU to expect a child not to be shamed after an accident and to not need to be spoken to firmly after an accident? Or am I being too sensitive?

Oh lord… your posts just get worse. The teacher now doesn’t have adequate emotional regulation because she told your child off? You are completely ridiculous.

The reason your child breaks things and can’t cope with being told off in a minor way is because you are failing at parenting him. This situation isn’t down to his additional needs, it is now very clear from your subsequent posts that it is poor parenting as you have never told him no or corrected his behaviour when he has done something wrong.

Don’t just offer to replace it, actually order it and take it in on Monday with an apology.

@bothsidesofasmile She didn't take her frustration out on your child. She told him off for breaking it. She did the right thing, as you have been told multiple time. I only added that she might have bought it to make you and other parents aware that schools are not limitless pots of money where objects don't matter. You need to make sure your child is respectful of the toys that are there for him and help him to learn from this. Not overreact and complain!

I had to go back to check his age thinking he must be a toddler. He’s 6 for goodness sake. Maybe he is sensitive but he did a silly thing and broke a new toy. Of course he was spoken to firmly. Did you expect the woman to sing him a ballad about regrets?

He broke a new toy and got told off. Actions / consequences. Life is full of them so a good parent equips their child to deal with them.

It's not the end of the world and he'll get over it

You sound more and more ridiculous with every post. You’re doing your son absolutely no favours if you expect everyone to tiptoe around him because he’s ‘sensitive’. SEN are not a free pass from a telling off when you’ve done something wrong.

He will be fine. I can’t see how going to the head will help anything, there’s nothing more to say.

I agree with every word of this.

YABU . my DS 7 cried this evening when I told him off. Also a sensitive child. He broke a small toy that he took out of my drawer without asking ( balloon punch ball) . I told him not to take things that do not belong to him. He was upset to have broken the toy and upset to be told off hence he cried.
It happens - he will think again about doing this.

What happened was normal and not a big deal. Hopefully your son will be more careful next time and check if not sure .

It sounds appropriate to me. He wasn’t shouted at or given any kind of consequence or shamed. The staff member just explained that as he hasn’t been gentle or asked for help the toy was now broken and nobody could play with it. He was then redirected to another activity. Some children are sensitive and he probably felt sad that he had broken the toy which is an appropriate feeling to have in the circumstances.

Yes you're being way too sensitive OP. Sounds like the TA responded appropriately.

It sucks seeing your little one upset though so I can empathize as to why you're being over protective about this!

He was spoken to not shouted at. It wasn't a pleasent subject so teacher used the appropriate tone rather than a sing song voice.

Your son is crying because he feels embarrassed about the mistake and possibly guilty that other children can't play with the toy. That is a completely normal reaction from him too. And if not normally told off at school he possibly could get upset quite easily.

Help your son to learn the lesson to be more gentle, ask for help (even when put of his comfort zone) and also tell him that it was an accident, teacher does know that and we all make mistakes it is important to learn from them so we don't make the same ones again.

Me too

It is horrible to see your child upset, but, sen or not I think from your explanation the ta dealt with it in an appropriate and controlled manner. She was not over emotional.

I think you need to speak to your son and say she was unhappy he broke it, accident or not. Explain he is still liked by that adult, even though she wasn't happy about the incident.

You need to use this as an opportunity to help your son cope with common life situations.

I think it's a bit harsh of pp to say I'm failing at parenting. I had asked for advice as I had an inkling my initial reaction had been sensitive. I will be replacing said item once I know what it is. However I still think no child should be spoken to firmly for an accident. Spoken to yes! I guess that's just my opinion.

AIBU?

YES

No i’m not, and the teacher who you all think is reasonable must have a problem with emotional regulation

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

You are being ridiculous. Of course children should be spoken to firmly when they do something wrong. Your child was told to be careful and he wasn’t. Even if he didn’t intend to break the thing, his lack of care caused it to be broken.

Some children will cry at next to nothing, other children could have an inappropriately harsh telling off and not bat an eyelid. The school did nothing wrong and if you complain you will be laughed about.

As a parent to a child with SEND, I can see how you might feel that he was spoken firmly and that this was inappropriate. But I am also a teacher and think that regardless of this, it was his behaviour that caused it.

You keep saying it was an accident.

i don’t think word means what you think it mean
he intentionally forced it apart

I didn't say she didn't have emotional regulation I was simply replying to someone's comment along the lines of her possibly being frustrated if she had bought the item herself.

Accidents happen, yes, but if they happen because someone is doing something they are told they shouldn't, a firm tone is appropriate.

For example, a child is told not to jump on the bed. They jump on the bed anyway and it breaks. Did they do it maliciously? No, it was an accident- but they were told not to do that and they did it anyway.

I hate seeing my child upset so it's natural for you to feel protective, but nothing here suggests the school or teacher/TA did anything wrong or acted inappropriately.

You said she should be able to control her emotions enough to not use a firm tone.

a firm tone is entirely appropriate for a telling off.

I mean you’re hardly going to use a cheerful or jokey tone are you?
what tone do you use if not firm when telling off?

as an adult in her role o would expect her to have better emotional regulation

You actually did say that OP.

YABVVVU. Children need telling regardless.

Sounds a reasonable response by the school to me. Draw a line under it and move on, that’s by far the best thing for your child rather than complaining to the head.

😂. This. @bothsidesofasmile Literally every post has said you are too sensitive and you continue to protest.