Am i too old to have a baby?

[rmonroe8]

Obviously i know that biologically once you hit 40 it's classed as old to have baby but many still do with no issues but at what point is it selfish to have a baby?
The reason i'm asking is because i've just hit 43 and want another child with my partner who i have been with for 2 years (i have a 16yo and 7 year old from previous relationships)
Sorry if it sounds like i'm being ridiculous but would it be a struggle having a baby at 43? The thought of being 63 with a 20 year old makes me feel like i'm pushing it abit now. I had my last two at quite average ages so i'm not sure how it would feel this time around, has anyone had any experience having a child in their 40s? Do you regret it?

This!

I'll give you my experience of having much older parents.
My mum had me at 46, my dad was 54. Sadly my father passed young at 59 so I never knew him, my mum is still alive at 89 but has has had physical health issues and had recently been diagnosed with dementia.
I am 43 now and have two dds 14 & 12 year old, I don't really remember not caring for mum in some way, even before kids in my 20s. It is extremely hard to care for a elderly parents when raising children, your time is so precious when they're young, and you can feel very torn.
Its extremely refreshing to her someone actually ask if it's selfish, as my parents did not consider what it would be like on us (I'm the youngest of 15!) so good for you.
I do think times have changed and we are all fitter than we were.
But let's just say there's a reason I had my children in my late 20s and early 30s.

A vanishingly small proportion of your eggs will be chromosomally normal at this point. Many IVF clinics won’t even allow women to try using their own eggs past 42, they have to use donor eggs from younger women instead.

I guess consider how resilient you feel in yourself and how many miscarriages you can tolerate or potentially a TFMR. This stuff gets real pretty quickly and the trauma is not to be underestimated.

Can you manage another lot of school runs, school clubs and after activity clubs when you are in your 50s?

Why ever not?

Not to mention GCSEs, A levels, UCAS, supporting through university

What's the problem?

I had my one at 42 after many miscarriages. It was a total struggle, but the pregnancy was easy and after I'd had him, I was just so overjoyed my age became completely irrelevant. It still is. If you want it, and you're prepared to go through it, then do it. Don't let what anyone else thinks, particularly people you don't know, stop you. Good luck!

Not looking forward to having teenagers in my 50s

It's fab. I'm just back from picking DD and her mates up from town. We live rurally so they can only stay out late if a parent picks them up. Tomorrow we're off to a uni open day. Honestly, some of you lot act like your 50s are actually your 80s 🙄

I have custody of my 2 and 3 year old granddaughters. I’m 49 now. I’m exhausted - all of the time

Are you overweight? Unfit? I've got 10 years on you, work in Early Years and aren't exhausted. Maybe get some blood tests?

If age is your only concern (if everything else is right) then I say go for it. Hubby and I were lucky enough to have three healthy kids, two after turning 40, no intervention. I was one month shy of my 44th birthday when number three was born. Yes that makes me an older mum but there are so many positives that outweight age worries. Just don't pressure yourself if it doesn't happen, whatever will be will be.

I agree. Obviously, I don't know what it would have been like if I had been younger when DD was born, but I was not a decrepit old woman when DD was a teenager. I'm 64 now and still don't feel old and decrepit.

There's probably more judgment around having 3 children by 3 different fathers with significant age gaps then actually having another child at 44 to be honest?

Although personally I'd have liked another child I felt like I'd feel a bit embarrassed to have them well over age 40 especially when you have teenagers already - its a bit different if you are only just starting having a family at say 40 and 3 follow in fairly quick succession

If you’re in a loving stable relationship and you both want to have a child, go for it. Not every woman has a terrible menopause.

Stable? She’s only known him 2 years. Has other children so assuming hasn’t even lived with him that long either.

I've just had a baby at 44. He wasn't planned - he was an accident. A very happy one as it turns out. Pregnancy was horrible due to health conditions i have (i was losing weight to have a heart op and got pregnant instead). But he is amazing. My DDs (13 and 9) are incredible with him. Do i worry about being an old mother? A bit but it is what it is. He sleeps better than i do and is a bundle of joy.

Would i have chosen this? Nope. But sometimes the best things in our lives happen despite careful planning.

This.

Try not to worry and just enjoy life. Life isn’t that cut and dry and unfortunately parents can also die young.

My partners mum and dad were 42 when they had him as their third with a big gap. He is now in his 40s and they are both very much here active and healthier than my now passed mum ( I lost her in my 30s) and my dad with a multitude of illness.

Yeah but migraines & a screaming baby don't sound like fun do they?

You don’t need to have a baby in every single different relationship. Especially not after just two years.

Amen to this. I have a friend who has done this to a bit of an extreme - she’s had 5 relationships and a baby with each one, every time it’s been less than a year before she got pregnant and they stay together barely a year after the baby’s born. I think some see it as a sort of relationship milestone or something that validates a relationship when it really doesn’t need to be like that. Babies are most certainly not wedding rings - not that you need one of those to validate a relationship either. But a ring does do the job better in my experience.

DD was 10, so I didn't have the issue of a screaming baby.

I think she was placing your symptoms of menopause into the OP’s scenario.

DONT DO IT! My mum regretted having a baby later in life! I was 16 and resented her! She has to still be a mum because they are still young and now I’ve had kids she can’t be a granny because she’s still mum!
they are difficult children and she’s old and tired and can’t deal with them!
for the sake of your 16 year old please don’t do it!
it’s my mums biggest regret (apart from staying with their dad)

MN is unhealthily obsessed with the menopause at the moment! It's a natural stage of life that varies from woman to woman. If you're suffering then access medical help but don't throw your hands up in horror at the thought of parenting a child or teen at the same time as your periods stop.

I'm 48 and beginning to feel the peri.

I'm not sure I could cope that well with a child under five at this point!!

Regardless of your age, I don't think it's a good idea to have four children in a household with all those parents between them. It's just too complicated

You don't say what your partner's age is. If he's your age or younger then the age alone wouldn't be a huge barrier, but if he's in his fifties then the risk of serious problems with his health over the next eighteen years would be too high for me.

Menopause isn't a dealbreaker, most women will have to handle it while parenting teens. And most women are reasonably healthy into their early sixties (assuming you don't smoke or drink to excess and aren't obese).

Apart from that my reservations would be the fact that any pregnancy is more likely to end in miscarriage than a baby, and the issues PP has raised around your family structure and the stability of your relationship.

It's not the baby that is the problem, it's the teenage years when you have less energy. You will not be able to provide much support for grandchildren if they turn up.