Am i too old to have a baby?

[rmonroe8]

Obviously i know that biologically once you hit 40 it's classed as old to have baby but many still do with no issues but at what point is it selfish to have a baby?
The reason i'm asking is because i've just hit 43 and want another child with my partner who i have been with for 2 years (i have a 16yo and 7 year old from previous relationships)
Sorry if it sounds like i'm being ridiculous but would it be a struggle having a baby at 43? The thought of being 63 with a 20 year old makes me feel like i'm pushing it abit now. I had my last two at quite average ages so i'm not sure how it would feel this time around, has anyone had any experience having a child in their 40s? Do you regret it?

@Naunet lol no. You still don't get it.

When you're 30 and your partner leaves you you are in a much better position to handle parenting alone in terms of energy and health than you would be at 45. At 30 you might have parents to help you out. At 45 you will be a carer to your elderly parents instead.

Being abandoned is a risk at any age, but handling the consequences when you're almost 50 running around a toddler is just an extra layer or hardship and shittines...

Hence why the risk of parenting along should be assessed in conjunction with your age

Ahh ok, so your saying a woman who is left to be a single parent at 45, is going to have a harder time than a woman left to be a single parent at 30? I think that’s debatable, so much depends on personal circumstances.

Just to add, some people seem to be jumping to conclusions as to what my opinion is when I’m simply just curious about people’s opinions. I’m not judging.

I’ll leave this thread now because I don’t want to derail, but OP, for what it’s worth, I wouldn’t do it for all the money in the world!! I also wouldn’t have a baby with a man over 40. But, I believe it’s completely a personal choice and as long as you consider all the risks, you should be free to make your own choice.

I had a baby at 45 and it was a fabulous pregnancy, birth and recovery. My other children loved the baby (why wouldn't they?) and the baby has been a beautiful addition to our blended family. I look my now 6 year old and I'm amazed my body made that miracle and I'd do it all again. My children keep me young and I feel the same now as I did when I was 30.

I'm in London media-type circles and having kids in your 40s is completely normal. Everyone is more settled, has more resources, most of us own properties, careers sorted.

LOL at being better able to cope in your thirties if your partner left. I would have been a mess.

Thank you for adding that balance, at 42 I was having nightmares reading this thread! Hoping I lean towards your experience and not the utter doom and gloom listed on here

You won’t know until you try.

I guess the difference is that a 43 year old man's body wouldn't have to cope with being pregnant and giving birth at an older age. Also men don't go through the menopause so they wouldn't be dealing with all of the exhausting physical and hormonal changes whilst also trying to keep up with the physical demands of having young kids.

My other children loved the baby (why wouldn't they?)

Because babies are noisy, smelly and very disruptive of your routines?

I had exactly the same experience of menopause as @RampantIvy . Maybe I was lucky but it was nothing much at all. A few 60 second warm feelings.

For me the reasons I'd never deliberately try for a dc 40+ or even 36+ tbh is the risk of chromosomal disorders.

I'd not want the invasive tests/ amino etc.

What if the amnio ended a healthy pregnancy?

I've known 2 women to have late TFMR and it's horrific. You don't know the extent of the problems until often well over 20 weeks and abortion at that stage is brutal. I don't think I'd survive the trauma.

So it's a no from me but it's your body your choice.

Only you know your financial circumstances and whether you would cope with being a mother again in your forties. Personally, I don't think that there is anything wrong with it if the circumstances are right.

You'll get a lot of smug people on this thread who had the amount of children that they wanted by the age of 35 telling you that you are too old. For whatever reason, these same people wouldn't say a 43 year old man was too old.

I was 41 when I had my son. I just never felt bothered about having children before then even though I’d been with my partner for 19 years by that point. My son is 14 and he’s the light of my life. I wouldn’t change a thing except I did want a sibling for him and had three miscarriages after him so stopped trying at 43.
It’s a totally personal thing and I wouldn’t care two hoots about someone else’s opinion about your age. Xx

I had my DS2 at 39. Would I want to do it again at 43, no I wouldn't - however that's me.
If you want another child and you both agree then do what's right for both of you and your family.
Lots of judgemental people on here tonight.

I had my 1st at 40. 2nd at 42. I don't know any different because I don't know what it's like to have children younger. Although,I first was harder than the 2nd and I exhausted all the time.

I had one at 42, easy pregnancy and birth. It was fine and I was far from the oldest on the ward!

Yes. I'm too old now and I'm younger than that. Wish I had my children in my 20s

I had Dd at 42. She’s 16 now and delightful. I’m a bit creakier but I’m not knackered or ‘past it’ Menopause had zero impact on our relationship. l know all about Taylor Swift and Pheobe Bridgers. There’s no difference to me from having her at 42 and Dd at 30 tbh, apart from…..

When you get to late 50’s you will want to retire. Work gets harder, you get less interested, and you cba to put in the energy of a 25 year old even though it’s expected. If you have a teen dc you have to find them. So make sure you can find them and retirement.

I don't think it's too old as such but I do wonder - why do you want another one? Had you stayed with your ex who you share a child with already would you have wanted a third child together, or is it the idea of making a family with your current partner? Because honestly 2 years is not long and a baby does not a family make. You can have a perfectly valid relationship and a loving blended family without adding a child to the mix.

I sometimes worry that the "meet boy - marry - have baby" narrative that is aggressively sold to us as women makes us on some level thing that it's only real love if we have children. And it's a bad narrative!

I would not have a baby in your circumstances, but then I wouldn't want to parent for 40 years, which is what would end up being the case for you. If that sounds great to you then go for it.

Nonsense!

I think it depends where you live too. Where I am, babies are usually had in your 20’s. When I lived in London babies weren’t had till late 30’s -40’s. Where I live now 40’s is grandparent age.

Brilliant - thanks for sharing! You sound amazing!

If your partner is already a dad then I personally wouldn’t have another baby at 43. It is pushing it and if you take a look at the risk factors at that age it’s quite terrifying. Between you both you’ve got 3 kids to support, could you realistically cope with a potentially disabled child? I am 45 and I’d struggle with a young child at this stage of my life, and as I approach the menopause years I think that would be even harder having a young child to cope with. Your decision of course, but you don’t necessarily need a child together. Enjoy the freedom you’ll have in a few years when the kids are growing up and you can enjoy time together

Exactly this! Pinch of salt people!

I would think about this properly op. There could be some health complications or possible struggle conceiving, but I don't think it's too old. Have you told dp/DH about it? You also need to think about your older DC and step-dc, they might feel weird having a newborn sibling after such a long time.

If you're fit and healthy, go for it. But something to consider is not just challenging toddler behaviour in your mid or late 40s, but further ahead to teens - late night taxi service, mood swings, driving long distances backwards and forwards to university, etc. I had my last at 39 and my energy levels have definitely dropped, now they are in their teens.