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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am i too old to have a baby?

239 replies

rmonroe8 · 24/11/2022 16:32

Obviously i know that biologically once you hit 40 it's classed as old to have baby but many still do with no issues but at what point is it selfish to have a baby?
The reason i'm asking is because i've just hit 43 and want another child with my partner who i have been with for 2 years (i have a 16yo and 7 year old from previous relationships)
Sorry if it sounds like i'm being ridiculous but would it be a struggle having a baby at 43? The thought of being 63 with a 20 year old makes me feel like i'm pushing it abit now. I had my last two at quite average ages so i'm not sure how it would feel this time around, has anyone had any experience having a child in their 40s? Do you regret it?

OP posts:
tickticksnooze · 24/11/2022 16:34

Why do you want another?

SallyWD · 24/11/2022 16:42

It varies hugely from woman to woman - some women in their 40s fall pregnant very easily (I know a couple of women who got pregnant at your age whilst using contraception!). However, other women will really struggle. My friend had 4 children easily in her 20s/30s and wanted a 5th with her new partner. She started trying at 42 and had 6 miscarriages. Your chance of miscarriage in your 40s is pretty high.
Of those who do have babies in their 40s, some find it easy, invigorating. Again others struggle.
I'm now 47 and I remember being 43, not realising that perimenopause was round the corner and how tough it would be. I can't imagine dealing with a toddler now. I'm so tired, impatient, suffering with brain fog and anxiety etc. I just couldn't put up with sleepless nights and toddler tantrums now!!
But others do and love it. I'm sure some will come along and tell you they really enjoy it.

whattodo1975 · 24/11/2022 16:47

I mean technically you could. But do you really want to given ages of your children already. Also having a child with someone after 2 years is pretty quick, how well do you know them and how they would be as a dad ?

Fundays12 · 24/11/2022 16:48

I don't think anyone can answer that but you. I had my 1st at 32, 2nd at 36 and 3rd at 38. DH is nearly 9 years older than me. I didnt feel to old but my health has got far better as I have got older as I was born with health conditions that lessened massively as I got older.

I am now 42 and feel to old for more kids but that's partly because I have 3 kids already.

I think you need to be realistic about what the financial, physical and emotional impact would be if you had another child now. The risk of miscarriage is far higher as is the risk of having a child with a disability. Is this something you can cope with? My oldest DC has complex additional needs and it's very difficult at times.

Can you really manage sleepless nights, potential reflux, colic and toddler tantrums in your mid 40s. Can you manage another lot of school runs, school clubs and after activity clubs when you are in your 50s? Also childcare costs maybe a factor and they are so expensive can you afford that? Is your partner willing up pitch in and do there fair share?

NCFT0922 · 24/11/2022 16:50

Why do you want another? I don’t think you need another new baby with another new relationship. Think of your existing children too; especially the 16yo.

MintJulia · 24/11/2022 16:53

I had ds at 45+2. No problems so far (he's now 14).

The only things I would mention. The midwife said older mums often take longer to deliver, and she wasn't wrong.

And I made a conscious effort to increase my fitness as soon as DS was in primary. I took up running and am now the fittest I have ever been. It's important for them to know you can keep up. I still run, cycle and practice karate with mine. I'm now 59. Boosting your energy levels is essential unless you can afford a live in nanny..

MolliciousIntent · 24/11/2022 16:55

Yes, in my opinion and experience, you are too old.

Jaaxe · 24/11/2022 16:56

What makes you want another? I know a few women I work with who’ve suddenly hit peri menopause and had a bit of a “do I want another baby? this could be my last chance” dilemma…none of them did though and none have regretted that decision.

It’s definitely a personal decision for you and your OH, you will get mixed views on this on MN. I’m 32 and currently pregnant with my last, I feel much older this time, couldn’t imagine wanting another in 10 years especially with a massive gap starting again but I guess plenty do now have babies in their 40s without issues.

AntsGoMarchingOneByOne · 24/11/2022 16:57

I think 43 is too old, sorry. For me personally the cut off point to have the last baby is 41-42.

Original poster
rmonroe8 · 24/11/2022 16:59

@whattodo1975 He already has a 8 year old son and is a very good dad

OP posts:
Original poster
rmonroe8 · 24/11/2022 17:00

Thanks for the replies! Nothing is set in stone i might not end up having another but i just was interested to hear people experiences/thoughts.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 24/11/2022 17:01

Do you have space in your home (and budget) for a fourth child?

Fenella123 · 24/11/2022 17:02

It's a bit of a crapshoot and money and health make a big difference. A senior manager I knew vaguely had her last kids (twins) at 49 (I am guessing via egg donation but that's just a guess) and never came back from mat leave - I think she had the money and more or less retired early.

I was ridiculously healthy in my early 40s but now heading towards late 50s and PROFOUNDLY grateful I don't have a 16 year old thundering around the house, picking random topics to tantrum about and interfering with what's left of my sex life! Not to mention my random naps!

Other people my age have just waved their kids off to uni with tears in their eyes.

How would it be for you?
Ask your parents and any older siblings. They're your best bet for a look into the future.

RampantIvy · 24/11/2022 17:06

I mean technically you could. But do you really want to given ages of your children already. Also having a child with someone after 2 years is pretty quick, how well do you know them and how they would be as a dad ?

And how do your DC feel about getting another sibling?

Can you manage another lot of school runs, school clubs and after activity clubs when you are in your 50s?

Not to mention GCSEs, A levels, UCAS, supporting through university.

Runaround50 · 24/11/2022 17:11

Don't do it.
You don't know how menopause is going to hit you.
Seriously, do not underestimate the brutality of the decline of hormones. Couple that with a young child...ye gods, no thanks!

I had my son at nearly 38. He is almost 15 now and I'm experiencing the horror of menopause. The two are a rubbish combination.

It's your call of course.

PinkSyCo · 24/11/2022 17:16

You’re too old. You could be hitting the menopause by the time your kid has started school.

BeanieTeen · 24/11/2022 17:18

I think it is too old, yes.

Laiste · 24/11/2022 17:19

Thing is - you're saying 43, but by the time you fall pregnant (could easily take 18 months to fall, our fertility gets a lot more hit and miss after late 30s) and then your 9 months of pregnancy - that brings you to 45+ when you give birth.

Your question should really be is 45 too old to have a baby.

Naunet · 24/11/2022 17:20

No one would say a 43 year old man was selfish for wanting a child. If you want one and can still get pregnant, why not?

RampantIvy · 24/11/2022 17:21

Just to add some balance re the menopause comments - it isn't horrific for everyone. Apart from migraines and the odd warm glow I reckon I got off pretty lightly.

FishnetsNightdressCrisis · 24/11/2022 17:21

In your circumstances yes you're too old.

Tbh in general it's old for having a baby but if a woman doesn't already have children, hasn't met the right person until later on in life then I can understand entirely why they would try to have their first baby later in life. They don't have the best interests of existing children to consider either.

You are fortunate enough to have children already. Is it in their best interests for you to have another? Why does having a child with your new partner matter so much?

alanabennett · 24/11/2022 17:22

This is likely to come across as more snarkily than I intend, but you've had two children with two different men; that sounds complicated enough. In your shoes I wouldn't even consider having a third with another man. You don't need to have a child to solidify/validate a relationship; maybe look into what it is that you really need? Is it the commitment? Why not get married?

That said, I'm coming from the perspective that I would never choose to have a child without being married first.

5128gap · 24/11/2022 17:22

I think its different when you have your first in your 40s than when you already have much older children.
Parenting can be a hard slog, expensive and hugely restricting, and it's one thing to do a 20 year stretch of it, but quite another to do it for 35-40 years. Do you really want to push your increased freedom and ease of life another 18 years down the road?

Naunet · 24/11/2022 17:22

For those saying she’s too old, is a 43 year old man too old too?

Wiluli · 24/11/2022 17:24

Biologically who knows as far as emotionally , if you are able to have one financially and you are stable then why not ? I have a almost 1 year old and I’m 40 and honestly no difference to being 34 or 20 with ability to care gift her ( my oldest are 20 and 5 )