MIL keeps pressuring us but it's a no!!

[SweetRascal]

My parents in law moved away recently and they already miss their gc a lot. They moved away to a rural area several hours away for an early retirement. They just wanted to live in a more peaceful location, fair enough.

I think they're happy with where they've move to but MIL keeps telling us how much she misses our eldest child in particular. She asked us the other night AGAIN if we'd let him stay with then and got all funny about it when we said no.

He's only 4, he has adhd and asd being assessed. His behaviour is very challenging and unpredictable. His sleep can be very disturbed. If we're 3 hours away and he's having a night terror, it's not like we can just pop over. MIL can can't see any of this because in her mind, he'll be fine and that's that.

I think she's getting desperate for us to go to theirs but I've already said that won't be until next year. They can come and see us but MIL said she can't find suitable care for their dog yet in their new location.

Mil said to dh, you'll have to let him atay away sone time! Have to?!!!! What!!

I think dh wouldn't be as worried as me but I feel like I'm ds's mum and I won't be dictated to when he stays away when he's only 4 snd has special needs too.

Have you ever tried driving six hours in a day with preschoolers? If you have and it worked, your kids are more tolerant than mine. It would have been a living hell for us.

My ils assumed dc would be sleeping over from very young and I bf to spite them .
Over my dead body.
Less than an hour away we visited nearly every week. Still wasn't good enough. They visited us every friggin week. Still not good enough.. Started asking for them to sleep. No. Not when your upstairs windows stay wide open all day - even though you assure me ds won't dive out the escape one in the bathroom.. Or eat fil's pill collection on the bedside table. Sleepovers are for the adults benefit and at the detriment to the dps imo.. They wanted to tell all their friends down the club that's all.
Now I know why bil moved away pre dc...

some people might be fine with that but myself, dh, ds (who has night terrors) and a 1 year old in the same room or split between lounge and bedroom sounds so stressful with PIL there too. We need our space

It's for one night though. Surely that's acceptable.

@Sprouttreesareamazing I totally get this.
When my mil last asked us about ds staying over and we said no and explained why, she then said, it's because you don't trust us isn't it?!
Tbh it isn't about trust exactly. I know that they love him and would care for him. But they're not with him enough to know how to deal with him and consider the risks. As ds has adhd too, he sees no danger in anything. Pils new place is right by a river and they keep telling us how wonderful it is. Maybe it is for them but our ds would have no hesitation about jumping in if he could! You have to be on it with him the whole time and always, always hold his hand when out. They might be fine with him for a few hours but whole days and nights, I'm not sure and don't want to chance it yet.

Yes, you’ll have to. When he’s in year 6, and they go on school journey. And even then you don’t have to as such (it’s just a bit mean not to). Until that time no obligation whatsoever.

They moved away, so they must have realised they’d see less of you?

Have you visited their new home?

They chose to move away, that is their problem. If you don't feel comfortable with him staying away due to his needs then stay firm and tell them it isn't happening right now, but maybe when he is a bit older. They can't force you to make him stay over and if they don't like it, then tough!

Totally get why you're not happy for him to stay overnight alone but the rest of it (it's a 2 bed bungalow so you'd be both in one room), the dog (and the cat), the list of things in your last few posts all just feel like solveable excuses so you can punish your ILs for moving. Your line about having a lot on and they choose to move away is quite telling.

By all means, say no to the overnights if your DS wouldn't cope with them but don't pretend there's not an element of putting up barriers out of spite here.

YANBU. I have zero sympathy for people who move miles away from their family and then complain they never see them.

How disgusting to call your husband's mother "a dick" She brought up the man you love!

@YellowTreeHouse Because most people don’t want a smelly mutt in their house.

You sound lovely

THIS

My children have literally never stayed overnight with their grandparents. It’s never been an issue.

To be fair, I wouldn't offer this as 'normal'

Who wants to be “normal”?

@GrinAndVomit 🙄🤦🏼‍♀️ Oh fgs you knew exactly what I meant!

Cool emojis!

My DCs used to love sleeping over at their grandparents as did I when I was young.

They're all dead now so sadly no longer an option.

And most of the DCs I know in RL have a wonderful relationship with their grandparents and do regular sleepovers and holidays.

This is about your insecurity OP and not wanting your DS to love anyone else.

If they want to see your kids more they need to make the effort, especially if they moved away. They’ll have to drive down. If they are retired then the onus is on them.

This choice is that of the parents not the grandparents! It would be interesting to know if previous generations were dictated to and parents had to do as they were told! It’s fine if you are happy to do it but equally fine I’d you aren’t.

Them coming to you: Find a nice dog friendly hotel near you and invite them to come and visit, if they can't leave the dog and you won't have it in the house.

You going to them - go visit as a family, so your child's routine isn't too disrupted.

Yes, they moved. They and your child still need to develop a relationship.

That's the solution, those are the options.

you know your DS and whether it would be good for him. My DD has spent many summer holidays with both sets of GP for days at a time from the age of 18th months. She has a lovely relationship with them. If you DS has grown up close to his GP it might be a wonderful experience for him but up to you when it happens.

They and your child still need to develop a relationship

Well no, they don't need to. That is also a choice which is entirely up to the child's parents.

The child might benefit from a relationship, but it might not. That depends on the individuals involved. In this case the MIL is 'desperate' to see her grandchild but not desperate enough to source dog care. I wouldn't be rushing to facilitate a relationship where the MIL (or any other relation for that matter) thinks that the dog is more important…

This!!

No is a complete sentence.