MIL keeps pressuring us but it's a no!!

[SweetRascal]

My parents in law moved away recently and they already miss their gc a lot. They moved away to a rural area several hours away for an early retirement. They just wanted to live in a more peaceful location, fair enough.

I think they're happy with where they've move to but MIL keeps telling us how much she misses our eldest child in particular. She asked us the other night AGAIN if we'd let him stay with then and got all funny about it when we said no.

He's only 4, he has adhd and asd being assessed. His behaviour is very challenging and unpredictable. His sleep can be very disturbed. If we're 3 hours away and he's having a night terror, it's not like we can just pop over. MIL can can't see any of this because in her mind, he'll be fine and that's that.

I think she's getting desperate for us to go to theirs but I've already said that won't be until next year. They can come and see us but MIL said she can't find suitable care for their dog yet in their new location.

Mil said to dh, you'll have to let him atay away sone time! Have to?!!!! What!!

I think dh wouldn't be as worried as me but I feel like I'm ds's mum and I won't be dictated to when he stays away when he's only 4 snd has special needs too.

I don't think MIL has thought this through. Have you humoured her and said "ok, when's good for you? Will you be doing the 6 hour round trip to pick him up? As I've got plans bits to be getting on with here if we're having a night to ourselves!" I doubt they'll be rushing to drive for that long to get him!
I must admit though, I'm envious a little bit of posts like this- we have one set of grandparents 5 mins away who refuse to ever have the kids overnight and one set 5 hours away who would love to have them overnight but are just too far for one night. It sounds as if you could do with a good nights sleep

Why can't the dog come with them to yours?

Is she generally a “performance granny?” ie the type that likes to post pictures on Facebook of them looking after their grandkids because they are such dutiful grandparents (when in reality they see them twice a year) Or does she want to show your son off to her new pals? Maybe that is the reason she is using the dog as a ridiculous excuse. She doesn’t want to visit you as it is a less interesting story to tell everyone.

It was their choice to move away so they're now 3 hours away from their family. They had every right to make that choice, but they also have to understand that came with consequences. She can't expect to move 3 hours away and maintain the same level of contact with her grandchildren.

Stick to your guns OP, it's not right for him and it's not fair for her to put it on you that she misses him when it was entirely her choice to leave.

Can you not all visit so she can see the reality of him staying the night ? Sounds like a great place if she is rural and you can just make a weekend if it

When ours (also with asd) was 7 we first did a trial-run with him staying with GP and us in a hotel 5 minutes away in case anything went wrong. It all went well and now spending 3-4 nights with GP a couple of times a year is perfectly normal and fun for everyone.

Gently is the way to do it with lots of kids. DS doesn't have SN, but was very wary of sleepovers. He'd only ever stayed with one aunt we live beside who is like a second mammy to him. So we made a deal that IF he chose to go on a sleepover to his friends house, I would 100% go get him if he wanted me to, for any reason at any time. Having the security of knowing he could come home if he wanted, gave him the confidence to want to go then.

In the OPs case I would: do a few sleepovers with him at PILs until he got used to their house and routine. Then I would leave him but be sober and 5mins away in a hotel. And after that, I'd be ok to leave him - as long as PILs knew him and his routines well enough to cope.

I'd be saying no too, probably for at least the next 4 years in your circumstances.

Can she bring the dog and put in in kennels near you? Hire a pet sitter?

I plan on retiring nearer my grandchildren not further away.

They could meet halfway, that’s how we did it.

we have grandparents who live a distance away but more like 2 hours. For it to work at that distance, you need to visit and stay over for a weekend (to help get him used to the house) and maybe go out for a meal leaving him with grandparents. You can then build up. Realistically to make the journey worthwhile you may be looking at a week during the school holidays. This could actually save you lots of money/be helpful so I wouldn’t dismiss the idea entirely unless SEN would make it miserable for everyone. Mine has been going for a week in summer and Easter since she was about 5 and she loves it

I don't get why grandparents move away and then badger people to visit them.

my inlaws moved to Spain when the dc were small 8 & 6 ish, then moved back when they were both fully grown adults and expected to slot back into their lives. They were the ones that moved away and changed the dynamics of the relationship

I’m torn because I don’t think you’re necessarily being unreasonable for your child if she wouldn’t cope with the intricacies of his ASD but on the other hand I’m going on holiday for a week next year with my cousins two kids, it’s me, DH, my aunt and her other daughter taking the two kids abroad without their parents. And they are 5 and 3. We’ve taken them on weekends away and stuff too. They’ve definitely had attention and experiences they wouldn’t have otherwise had.

so I suppose for me it’s all about the child and what’s best for him rather than you or your MIL. Will he get anything out of trips to visit the grandparents?

Oh definitely not.

My child is autistic (and actually I think has ADHD too but as yet is unconfirmed). She is super close to my mum, who lives five minutes away and sees her several times a week.

She (child) was begging for a sleepover at Grandma's (very familiar) house. She's seven. I knew it wasn't wise because a disruption to her routine throws her into a total spin so I said she could stay over but I would stay too, in the spare room.

Surprise surprise it was not a success!

Child is perfectly happy to have Grandma stay overnight at our house if ever we have an evening out for example though, because she's her own ' safe space' surroundings and Grandma follows her routine.

I think for a flexible NT child even 4 might be too young considering the distance and lack of very regular face to face contact but for an ND child? Not a chance. Tell her no, firmly. They can come to you and if they don't like it then tough. The needs of your child outweighs their want to do this and the welfare of their bloody dog!

If you are the previous poster (& it really does sound like exactly the same situation) you have just got to let this go. Your obsession with your PIL's move is unhealthy... perhaps you need counselling to understand why this is causing your so much hurt in your life.

What @Ragwort said as I think I’ve also read your posts before. This anger is doing you no good.

regardless of their age, they could be 15 if parents say no, you don't insist. my MIL gave up asking why i don't let DS (10 months) stay overnight with her when we live 15 minutes away because i repeatedly mentioned i want to be present. that's final, you're parents, you get the final say.

Much younger actually. Staying over from 18 months.

he has sleep problems, and occasional night terrors, but feels perfectly safe with granny. I trust her implicitly to look after him.

if a child is close enough to their grandparents, they are perfectly fine. And this is the nub of the issue- too many people professing their child can’t function without them. It’s total BS.

Michele Obama wrote about her mother’s advice on child rearing. Her mother viewed it as her responsibility to make her children self sufficient. She basically saw it as her job for her children to thrive without their parents constantly hovering- didn’t do Michele Obama any harm.

back to OP’s situation- am afraid this situation has been created by OP. She needs to build up the relationship between her son and grandparents through increasing visits, maybe staying over as a family, then letting son stay overnight.

as it stands, her son probably wouldn’t cope well with an extended stay because his mother has prevented it being seen as normal and natural.

Here's why we can't stay until next spring...
PIL's house isn't big enough. It's a 2 bed bungalow and there just won't be enough space which means finding accommodation nearby. This is obviously costly which is difficult right now. We've got various expenses with our house and just the general cosy of living atm. Plus Christmas. So we'll need to find somewhere for next year.

I've not been well recently and going through a difficult time. I've got a few appointments coming up before and after Christmas.

We're getting ds assessed for asd snd adhd. Again, we've got appointments coming up for him and I'm in the midst of applying for an EHCP.

Dh and I both work and that's also exhausting on top of everything else.

And to add to everything else, stuff in our house keeps going wrong! More expense. We moved last year and it's just been one thing after another.

We have got a lot going on and PIL moved away knowing this. Ds going to stay with them isn't helpful at the moment, it just adds to the stress. Maybe when he's older but it's not right for him now.
His behaviour can be very difficult and he is a worry. Very impulsive, emotional and unpredictable. He has no idea about risks. When he wakes from night terrors, he calls out for myself or dh, almost nightly. I don't feel happy about him staying away from us. Not even 5 mins down the road at my parents. We went away for one night with the children in the summer, not far, and ds didn't go to sleep until 5am! Again, PIL know this but still keep pushing!

The dog can come to ours but can't stay the night. She's actually scared our cat and we have to shut the cat in a bedroom for a couple of hours when he's here.

PIL also can't stay with us as we don't have the space.

Tbh I don't understand why MIL isn't being more proactive in finding dog friendly accommodation or a dog sitter our way. There must be loads.

Scared of 'our' cat that should say

I don't understand why you can't stay in a 2 bedroomed home with them?

We've stayed with friends I very similar circumstances.

You could all sleep in the one bedroom or put DS in there and you and DH sleep in the lounge on a camp bed.

MILs 85 year old mother lives with them

MILs 85 year old mother lives with them

That will teach me for not rtft! To be fair I have read a fair bit of it but obviously missed that important point

@PritiPatelsMaker some people might be fine with that but myself, dh, ds (who has night terrors) and a 1 year old in the same room or split between lounge and bedroom sounds so stressful with PIL there too. We need our space.

Actually she's in a care home but apparently visits loads

Why can't you go up and back in a day if you can't possibly sleep in a bedroom or bedroom and lounge, or rent a Airbnb?