Friendship ruined after holiday?

[ToFilmOrNotToFilm]

Just came back from a long haul holiday with a childhood friend.

I'm very private and not a big photo taker. DF's the opposite.

We went to the national park on day 2, and our entire 5 hour walk was captured on video. I wouldn't mind so much if she'd just filmed the walk but I was in 70+% of the video because she didn't want it to look like some stock video taken off YouTube! Told her I didn't want to be in her videos but since she's not uploading it to social media apparently she doesn't see the big deal?

Got into an argument later that night and she simply could not understand that it doesn't matter if no one but her will see it!

Next few days were really uncomfortable, she didn't film anymore, just took a few pictures as she felt like she could find photos/videos on google if she wanted to remember the place. She won't film with just herself in the videos because she thinks it's awkward/pointless and I don't feel comfortable talking when I know the camera's rolling.

The whole trip was basically ruined tbh. Everyone was unhappy — she adopted this attitude of 'I'll just go look at pictures on google/YouTube' and I honestly really do not like having my every move recorded so wasn't going to compromise there.

Was I being unreasonable here? We haven't spoken since we came back. All those years of friendship and money down the drain. :(

And not expect them to be mightily pissed off.

@ToFilmOrNotToFilm

She sounds annoying and ridiculous - filming every last moment, but you have been friends for many years, so surely you knew she was like this?

I LOVE taking photos and always take more pics than anyone else. Don't CONSTANTLY take pics, but will take lots yes. And everyone I know knows this. How did you not know this about her?

I am on the fence tbh, because yes, people have right to say they don't want to be photographed/filmed. However, when you're on hols/at a party/socialising etc, and someone keeps whining that they don't want their photo taken, it can get very irksome. (IMO.)

Me and DH went to a Christmas party last December, (works party) and around 12 of us were there. One of my male colleagues brought his wife along. Every single time anyone went to take a photo (of the table/the group/the party etc,) she started squealing 'noooooooooo NO PHOTOS! I HATE having my photo taken wah wah wah...' Every single fucking time. It was a CHRISTMAS PARTY FGS.

She was insufferable and irritating, and went loco when she saw the pics on facebook - 3 or 4 people put them on their page. She wasn't tagged in but HE was so she saw them. She told him that we NEED to take take them down as she looked awful/fat/old. (We didn't!) We said to our male colleague 'she's not fucking coming next time!' He was like 'sorry....'

This year she's not coming, but he won't come either as she won't allow him to go without her.

It seems silly OP that your friendship is affected. She sounds annoying but IMO, your reaction is bit OTT.

This, it’s not a case of she’s wrong and you’re right. Personally I think you’re being weird and precious to care when you said yourself no one will see them. But she is also in the extreme side for filming the entire 5 hour walk.

Yanbu. Firstly, she is an utter bore for wanting to film a 5 hour hike and not just enjoy it. Secondly, she is childish for sulking because you wouldn't do what she wanted even though it made you uncomfortable. She doesn't sound like a great friend tbh, maybe the end of the friendship isn't the end of the world.

I hate being in camera let alone in a video for 5 hours without being properly asked

YANBU

She's being very weird about the whole thing.

She can video what she wants just without you in it

I understand capturing moments on camera but 5 hours? That is very annoying behvaviour
I would want to experience the moment with my friend not have a camera glued to my hands and face the whole time

And psychological aspect, the camera/phone is like an excuse not to interact

Is it weird and precious to feel tense and uncomfortable whenever a camera is pointed at me? When she's not panning it around all our surroundings it was strapped around her chest like a GoPro too so unless I'm trailing behind her I'm in the frame. Not to mention that everything I say was picked up by the microphone.

I feel really tense being filmed too. That would've totally ruined my experience of the trip.

@ToFilmOrNotToFilm I am very much of your ilk `around being filmed/photographed. I can see why you'd draw the line at being filmed at all, let alone endlessly.

However, if I were going on holiday with a dear friend, what I would expect is to have to grit my teeth and pose for some photos with them - were you willing to compromise in that way?

Now that my mother is dead, I actually wish I had MORE photos of me taken with her as an adult to look back at and remember. Instead, my photo hating ways means there's very little.

Your friend sounds like a bit of a Wally… she doesn’t want to be in the video herself because it would feel weird and awkward but apparently it’s fine for her to film you… for five hours?! Goodness, she sounds odd.

It sounds borderline pervy OP. It would drive me nuts too. Does she fancy you do you think?

Who's talking about permission, or licences, @Keyansier?
It's simple courtesy to not film somebody who does not wish to be filmed.

The fact that this 'friend' would not respect OP wishes, & rode roughshod over them for seven hours shows that the friend lacks courtesy. She also put her own selfish wish to record over OP's discomfort - & friends don't do that. She's proved she's not a friend - if I were OP I'd let this fizzle out.

What? No it's not like that.

I think the crux of it comes down to her seeing filming as just a natural way of documenting the walk. If they had iGlasses where she could 'see' the walk through her eyes again she would definitely get those. Thank god apple hasn't made anything like that. Yet.

I understand OP. My mil takes photos of absolutely everything. She hides around doorframes whilst I’m enjoying being silly with my niece and tries to film things like me reading a story in squeaky voices or prancing about the garden. It’s one thing to be silly ‘in the moment’ and another thing altogether to know it’s being recorded.

She makes me look at all the photos she has taken of other people, so I know once she has any footage, she’ll be showing all her friends….

I sometimes wonder if I should just try to appease her, but I feel so self conscious being followed around with a camera… surely my discomfort isn’t any less important than her need to record memories?

This. This would really bother me. I'd feel I couldn't just chat away normally knowing it's all being recorded, regardless of who going to see it. She might say no one else will see it but you can't guarantee that. I'd also be annoyed at being on holiday with someone who constantly has to document everything and can't just live in the moment. Like when people film entire gigs instead of just enjoying themselves.

Also, who would she care about it looking like a stock video if no one else is going to see it. That seems off.

Like the best man filming kiera knightly in love actually!

Your friend-not-a-friend is selfish, arrogant and not the sharpest tool in the box.

For not taking a blind bit of notice of your wishes not to be in her videos.

I would go absolutely ballistic

I agree

It’s a shame you couldn’t both compromise. Refusing to be in any photo/video is extreme and wanting to film absolutely everything is also extreme.
You're both being unreasonable.

I didn't refuse to be in any photo/video. We took a few photos. It was fine. I don't think there's anything wrong with not wanting to be filmed.

YANBU at all. It's your decision and if you don't like it that's all there is to be said. You don't have to 'get used to it'. We are each allowed to have our own personal boundaries, period. If someone else doesn't like our boundary, that's their problem to deal with.

Your friend was a jackass to video you after you'd asked her to stop. BUT, if I had been you I probably would have stayed behind her and dashed out of the way if she turned the phone/camera on me.

I'd take a HUGE black umbrella next time I went somewhere with her and open it to block me from the camera.

It’s the friend’s insistence on including the OP, not because she wants a memento of a beloved friend on a holiday but as a sign it’s not a stock photo or video that sounds spectacularly weird to me. I mean, aren’t the OP’s feelings and status as a presumably valued friend more important than acting as the human equivalent of an Alamy tag on a photo, or a ruler included to show scale? I mean, she went on the holiday, so presumably she’s aware it’s not internet stock footage? And if no one else will ever see it, why does it matter that there’s no visual ‘proof’ it isn’t?

I also use my (private) Instagram as a kind of visual diary, and did a long distance walking route with a friend last summer. She hates being photographed, so, apart from one photo of us both at the end of the ten-day walk, you would think I’d done the walk solo. It was a wonderful trip. I don’t need photos and video of someone (especially someone hating every second of the process) to prove it.

If your hobby is playing devil's advocate, at least try to produce some sort of coherent argument. As pointed out by a previous poster, the OP didn't ask for legal advice. Any discussion about permission, licence and copyright is completely beside the point. It's about as stupid as telling a woman who is contemplating leaving her cheating partner that having an affair is perfectly legal so she really shouldn't have a problem with it.

If you were to react absolutely ballistic I might film it, it'd probably get more views, maybe you'd go viral 😂

Fine with the odd picture/video snip as a memento and that is a reasonable compromise, I would feel uncomfortable with constant recording too. Difference is I would have spoken up at the time and told her I wanted to enjoy the day without feeling on constant alert as I was being recorded.

I would not have started the walk without an agreement. These things become bigger problems when you don't speak up at the time.