Friendship ruined after holiday?

[ToFilmOrNotToFilm]

Just came back from a long haul holiday with a childhood friend.

I'm very private and not a big photo taker. DF's the opposite.

We went to the national park on day 2, and our entire 5 hour walk was captured on video. I wouldn't mind so much if she'd just filmed the walk but I was in 70+% of the video because she didn't want it to look like some stock video taken off YouTube! Told her I didn't want to be in her videos but since she's not uploading it to social media apparently she doesn't see the big deal?

Got into an argument later that night and she simply could not understand that it doesn't matter if no one but her will see it!

Next few days were really uncomfortable, she didn't film anymore, just took a few pictures as she felt like she could find photos/videos on google if she wanted to remember the place. She won't film with just herself in the videos because she thinks it's awkward/pointless and I don't feel comfortable talking when I know the camera's rolling.

The whole trip was basically ruined tbh. Everyone was unhappy — she adopted this attitude of 'I'll just go look at pictures on google/YouTube' and I honestly really do not like having my every move recorded so wasn't going to compromise there.

Was I being unreasonable here? We haven't spoken since we came back. All those years of friendship and money down the drain. :(

[DahliaMacNamara]

I'm a bit like you, OP. I never post pictures of myself online. It's not how I choose to keep in touch with people I know. If a friend wants an occasional selfie with me, I imagine the only people who'd have any interest in it would be people who know both of us, so a self-limiting audience, whatever they might choose to do with it. However, if, like your friend, one of them wanted to film a whole outing, including our conversation, while we were out doing whatever, I would pull the plug immediately, because God, the cringe. You'd wake up in a cold sweat knowing that not only did you say that thing you later realised sounded twatty, but your friend has a record of it? Fuck that noise.

[ToFilmOrNotToFilm]

@roarfeckingroarr

I agree with this.

But I also think it's a bit odd to photo or video a whole trip. Can't she just enjoy it, then revisit the actual memories rather than looking the same place up again on YouTube / Google?

The whole thing was that she wanted to film a full walkthrough of the trail, similar to those hours long 'hike with me' videos on YouTube but with us in it so that it doesn't look like a 'stock video' she found off the web! I get it, in a way, but I just don't feel comfortable having my voice/face/actions be there permanently on film, even if it is not uploaded anywhere!

[FightingFatAt49]

I can't believe the amount of people who think the op is being U.
I completely understand - I wouldn't like to be videoed on a 5 hour hike. How could you relax and enjoy it? If your friend wants to video it fine, but she can't video/ record you.
Also, seriously, can she not live in the moment and enjoy it??

[hugefanofcheese]

being filmed for 5 hours would have ruined my day. Some people simply hate being recorded/ photographed constantly and I don't see why the friend's desire to make her endless holiday films more 'authentic' should have trumped that. I wouldn't want to continue a friendship with someone who didn't give a shit about my discomfort or preferences. Her argument that she wouldn't have shared it is irrelevant. The OP asked not to be filmed. Filming an entire 5hr walk is just odd anyway.

[Keyansier]

@CrystalCoco
Some people lack empathy and have a real problem trying to put themselves into another person's shoes - other people will just argue black is white (even when they know it's not) so anyone who's saying your DF's behaviour was fine falls into one of those two categories IMO

Or, a third (the realistic) category, is that the people that you mention just simply doesn't agree with OP??

[hugefanofcheese]

As in, was she ever going to watch it back? I doubt it, not in full. And if she wasn't sharing it, why did it matter whether it looked like other videos?

[CleopatrasBeautifulNose]

You both sound completly unwilling to bend and blind to another's point of view. Neither of you are wrong in your relationships or view of the way you use photography (or don't). A respectful conversation and compromise would be the best approach for this some people love to collect visual memories even if they never share them and for her to be on a trip of a lifetime and have a significant part of that disallowed would have been a disappointment.
Likewise you can't relax if you feel you're being recorded all the time. I can see both your sides.
Reach out and mend it. Express regret you both took a firm stance instead of a path of compromise and see where it gets you.

[ExplainUnderstand]

Anyone is allowed to photograph or video you in a public place, without permission and can publish or even sell the photos. The copyright is with the producer of the images, not the subject.

That said, it seems a very odd way to behave when a friend has told you they don't like it, but I've ve noticed recently it's seems to have become very mainstream. There are a couple of videos of me at parties recently that I'd prefer not to be out there, but other than asking nicely (when I'm sure my friends would remove them) there's nothing I can do.

[Keyansier]

If I can be a bit frank the OP's behaviour is coming across as a tad pathetic taking in all the information.

[Tansytea]

@ExplainUnderstand

Anyone is allowed to photograph or video you in a public place, without permission and can publish or even sell the photos. The copyright is with the producer of the images, not the subject.

That said, it seems a very odd way to behave when a friend has told you they don't like it, but I've ve noticed recently it's seems to have become very mainstream. There are a couple of videos of me at parties recently that I'd prefer not to be out there, but other than asking nicely (when I'm sure my friends would remove them) there's nothing I can do.

I've quoted you, but others have said similar, and I don't see why you think this is the case. We don't know where the OP was, but there is no reason to imagine the law is the same as the UK, is there?

[ItsAWoozyItsAWazzy]

@ToFilmOrNotToFilm

At the risk of sounding defensive, is it really that extreme to not like being on camera? If I appear in the background of someone's photos or videos, so be it. But aside from taking a few photos, I seriously dislike and don't feel comfortable with being videoed!

Yes it is. She's not getting you to do a running commentary you're just in the background. I doubt the back of your head is that invasive of your privacy.

[abblie]

My cousin does this and it cracks me up so much we have had arguments she spends more time on phone uploading videos and selfies she never talks to anyone 😤

[KettrickenSmiled]

I think the OP sounds quite entitled. If the friend is not known to be an influencer and isn't uploading videos of her in anywhere, then why should the OP care?

I know you love performing as the Thread Contrarian @Keyansier - but that's a weird take on entitlement!

There's nothing entitled about expressing a personal preference about being video'd.
There's something VERY entitled in demanding an explanation for why anyone has that preference. In using whataboutery to attack that preference (she isn't an influencer! So you need to comply or I will call you entitled!!).

Then there's a whole new level of deranged entitlement in knowing your friend prefers not to be filmed - & filming her for 7 fucking hours anyway ...

[FinallyHere]

against her video journaling while we're on holiday.

Nothing against video journal-img

Not cool to continue to video someone once they have asked you not to do that, esp if they are using your presence as 'proof' that it's not stock film.

Lots of other ways to do that, picture of current newspaper or new report, part shot of travel tickets. I've used my own feet.

Not, never, someone who has asked you to cease and desist.

[Tansytea]

I would really hate this. People who see things just through the lens don't seem to be really there IMO. I would have felt under scrutiny and uncomfortable to be filmed for five hours. The friend was totally unreasonable, she wanted to do something that would apparently add to her enjoyment at the detriment of the OP's enjoyment. What kind of entitled person does that? The compromise should have been that she filmed but without the OP.

[DahliaMacNamara]

Assuming OP is in the UK, the copyright position is even more reason to refuse to take part in any filming.

[roarfeckingroarr]

@ToFilmOrNotToFilm that's such a bizarre thing to do. Is she likely to spend 7 hours watching it back one day?!

[KateBalesCardi]

I think your aversion to being filmed trumps her desire to film everything tbh, you're actually being made to feel uncomfortable and tense whereas she's just disappointed she can't do something she wanted to do. And she could have compromised, short bursts of video at intervals to record the walk (but not you) would still have fulfilled her wish to journal without making you feel uncomfortable and she was selfish to insist it was all or nothing.

[Tansytea]

@PickyEaters

Presumably you were walking in a public place?
In which case anyone can film you without your permission and do whatever they wish with the film. Even if they don't know you from Adam.
There is no such thing as privacy in public!

You mean in the UK. But they weren't in the UK. You only need to go as far as France to find a country where this isn't the case, where on the contrary you are not allowed to film people in public places and do with it as you will. So that's not an argument.

[StaunchMomma]

It's YOUR choice whether you are filmed, not hers.

Imagine not being able to enjoy a holiday unless you record it all and edit it 'for the Gram'!

She sounds like a total bore.

[JemimaTiggywinkles]

I'm with you OP. It would absolutely ruin a holiday for me if I were being filmed so much! Did you discuss it at all before you went?

A few posed photos is okay, but I want to be able to mentally relax on holiday. And having a camera pointed at you is the very opposite of relaxing.

[ToFilmOrNotToFilm]

It's not about if she'll watch it back or if anyone else will see it. I just don't feel comfortable when the camera's rolling. It makes me tense.

[DrinkFeckArseBrick]

Your friend is in the wrong here.

She was doing something that she doesnt need to do, where there are alternatives available (eg film without the OP in it) and that she knew makes the OP (and a lot of other people) uncomfortable. She didn't want to compromise. She didnt want to take videos without the OP in, or one very short video, or photos. She wanted to do the one thing that makes the OP very on edge.

Would most people that are saying YABU really insist in videoing someone for hours on end when theyd expressly said they didnt like it? Why would you want to watch back footage of a friend looking miserable?

I find the whole 'proof that it's not a stock video' really weird as well - if she is not showing it to anyone else and it's for her exclusive use, who does she need to 'prove' this to?

[CulturePigeon]

I'm with you, OP, on the issue of the constant filming/photographing.

But my advice would be - if this friendship is otherwise good and you value it, I'd write and email or whatever to your friend saying you're sorry things went a bit sour (no need to go into recriminations or apologies) and that you really hope the relationship can be salvaged.

The worst that can happen is that she sulks a bit longer, or turns you down, but at least you'll have left the door open.

[ApricotExpat]

That would be so ghastly - you’re definitely not being unreasonable!