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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I just don’t want to go

186 replies

Ijustdontwantto · 23/11/2022 14:19

Supposed to be going out for dinner with friends tomorrow and I really don’t want to go. I need an excuse …

OP posts:
Wizenedolehag · 23/11/2022 18:24

Introvert here OP .. give the group dynamic another chance and go .. if you really don’t enjoy it then don’t accept another invitation. . Most times I don’t feel like it but force myself out I do enjoy it .. sometimes I don’t but it’s good to have friends . to be introverted because nobody wants to know you would be a very different thing to being so by choice

Charlieiscool · 23/11/2022 18:24

Bailing out with a lie at the last minute is really shitty behaviour. If you make the plan then don’t let people down, you should not make plans you don’t want to follow through and if you do make a plan then turn up. Don’t be a selfish, rude snowflake.

CowPie · 23/11/2022 18:27

FatimaHatima · 23/11/2022 16:56

Well, given that you don't seem to want to see them or particularly like them, wouldn't that save you the bother of a next time?

This. I’m always baffled at how many people on Mn appear to count as friends people they really don’t like.

pictish · 23/11/2022 18:29

I’d say you have to see this one through then resolve not to agree to attend another one.
Don’t conjure up a last-minute lie ffs. The bullshit is always bloody obvious.
I particularly hate a pretence of being ill because when you get that nonsense, politeness dictates that you have to say ‘hope you feel better soon’ when in actual fact you’d rather reply ‘fuck off lying to me’. I definitely think less of people who flake out with lies. It’s pathetic and attempts to make a fool of the person they are lying to.

Just go and don’t arrange another.

pictish · 23/11/2022 18:32

Loads of habitual liars on here I see.

ReneBumsWombats · 23/11/2022 18:35

Ijustdontwantto · 23/11/2022 16:59

@FatimaHatima because it isn’t as straightforward as don’t like them / won’t ever see them again.

I do like them. I just don’t like being in a group with them in the evening when there’s booze. Things get a bit mean and it feels I’m the one on the receiving end, mostly because I am the fattest, ugliest and least ‘successful.’

It isn’t a nice feeling! But that comes from me, really.

What do they say to you that upsets you?

ssd · 23/11/2022 18:36

Why did you say you'd go in the first place if they are so awful?

Ijustdontwantto · 23/11/2022 18:40

They aren’t awful. As I’ve tried to explain - unsuccessfully it appears! - it could be the issue lies with me and not them

OP posts:
Christmasfireplacewreath · 23/11/2022 18:43

pictish · 23/11/2022 18:32

Loads of habitual liars on here I see.

Bit of a shitty attack on posters. People tell little white lies to avoid hurting peoples feelings, to smooth over social interactions . I am sure you know this

sure, we can all be cunts and tell it straight.

do I look fat it this, aye, of course, fucking huge, becayde you are.
what do you think of my hair cut, you look like herman munster
do,you like my new perfume, no you’re making my nose bleed
what fo you think of my new boyfriend, he’s a fucking troll that only the desperate would shag, what’s wrong with you
im going to paint my living room this colour, what do you think, you’ve shit taste mate.
do you like this new dish I cooked you, no it tastes, smells and looks like dog shite
im thinking of buying this house, what fo you think, it’s the biggest shit tip I’ve ever seen
do you like my new skirt, no you look like you should be squatting over a loo roll in the en suite
my kid got x in his exams, I’m so proud, what do you think, your precious son is a lazy little shit who could have done better if he tried
are you coming tonight as promised, am I fuck I just don’t like you.

if telling a little white lie to preserve feelings and smooth social interactions makes us all habitual liars. So be it. You get in there and tell everyone straight.

Thelonelypotter · 23/11/2022 18:49

I'm an older (53 yr old) single mum with an only child who is 9. I've personally always struggled a bit with friendships and found it difficult meeting other new mums but I tried really hard. I invite my little girls friends over at her request and for days out but she is never invited back. Its happened loads of times and I don't understand what's going on and don't know what to do. I feel like I spend the school holidays waiting for other parents to reply to me. I now hate the school run because I feel like a div. Where am I doing wrong? The playground is very cliquey too. Help

ReneBumsWombats · 23/11/2022 18:50

Ijustdontwantto · 23/11/2022 18:40

They aren’t awful. As I’ve tried to explain - unsuccessfully it appears! - it could be the issue lies with me and not them

Well, if they really aren't doing anything to upset you and it's all in your head, then yes, I think making a commitment and bailing on it is rude and might hurt their feelings. But if you don't really like spending time with them, make this one the last time.

Goldbar · 23/11/2022 19:13

YABU.

If you don't feel that they value you, it's time to make some new friends.

And stop accepting invitations for stuff you don't want to go to.

FlissyPaps · 23/11/2022 19:18

Thelonelypotter · 23/11/2022 18:49

I'm an older (53 yr old) single mum with an only child who is 9. I've personally always struggled a bit with friendships and found it difficult meeting other new mums but I tried really hard. I invite my little girls friends over at her request and for days out but she is never invited back. Its happened loads of times and I don't understand what's going on and don't know what to do. I feel like I spend the school holidays waiting for other parents to reply to me. I now hate the school run because I feel like a div. Where am I doing wrong? The playground is very cliquey too. Help

Start your own thread on this xx

OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 23/11/2022 19:24

Ijustdontwantto · 23/11/2022 14:25

It’s just women - no husbands.

Real reason - I don’t like going out, feel self conscious. Also while I like them individually as a group I don’t always enjoy it.

A positive lateral flow test

Or the truth
Sorry I'm not up for it I'll see you all another time

Wibbly1008 · 23/11/2022 19:26

Flu. It’s rife this time of year!

Shouldershoddy · 23/11/2022 19:28

minipie · 23/11/2022 18:12

Whoever organised dinner has done a nice thing inviting you and in my books unless you have a really good reason (genuine illness, family emergency, family event that gets booked in afterwards) you honour invitations, because otherwise you are letting people down.

Hear hear

I have a friend who frequently cancels last minute for reasons like “got too much on”. It’s particularly galling as the date has often been chosen based on her busy schedule. Not nice to know we are expendable rather than cancelling any of her other stuff. Or she could just make the effort even if a bit tired.

Agree with these posts.

Cornettoninja · 23/11/2022 19:39

I think you should go @Ijustdontwantto, but I’d go along saying how ropey/tired I was and set the scene to escape early. Whilst I think it’s fine to just not want to do something, I also think if you’ve committed to something you should attend.

I’d probably start being a bit more picky about which group outings I attended but make sure that I still went to the odd one because it’s a group of people I like.

JustAnotherHappyFatty · 23/11/2022 20:19

Make the effort and go.....otherwise you will be on here in a few years wondering why you have no friends!

Subtlety1985 · 23/11/2022 20:30

OP, I totally get it.

I think in group settings people tend to be more insecure than on a 1:1 meeting. I find there’s always one person that gets a bit of stick, not malicious as such but a few subtle digs here and there, also the tone/vibe may be a little artificial/cold compared to meeting with them all individually. The majority of the group go along with it as they’re just happy their not on the receiving end.

I don’t think the issue is you, I genuinely think most people don’t pick up on these things unless it’s more obvious, such as someone saying something horrible.

There’ll be times where you’re feeling up for the group meet ups and other times you cba with it (like this occasion). Just cancel… no big deal.

lljkk · 23/11/2022 20:47

Sounds like the problem is all inside you, OP.
You may not wish to give into that negative thinking.

Couchpotato3 · 23/11/2022 20:51

I think having arranged it, you should go this time. BUT don't agree to any future similar dates and when asked why, just be honest - "I'm not very comfortable socialising in groups. I really like you all, but I prefer to see people one to one."
You didn't enjoy the last group outing. Treat this one as a barometer - either you'll enjoy it more than you're expecting, and maybe give it another go, or you won't, in which case, you're definitely doing the right thing by avoiding similar dates in future. If you make a crap excuse tomorrow, you may lose the opportunity to see these friends individually in future if they see you as unreliable.

Delatron · 23/11/2022 20:53

I think it’s a good point - what if others cancel and someone is left alone. I hate being flaky so I would only cancel if genuinely ill. if I felt the way you do I would force myself to go and just not accept the invitation next time.

I think just saying ‘sorry can’t make it’ with no explanation is very rude and dismissive of others time.

Usangechername · 23/11/2022 20:53

BMW6 · 23/11/2022 14:27

Positive covid test 😉

This

7upandup · 23/11/2022 20:54

Don't even over think it. Don't do something you don't wanna do. I wouldn't text last minute though, text now. It's not a massive deal, we've all done it at some point in our lives. If you are this anxious now it's not worth the stress

TakeYourFinalPosition · 23/11/2022 20:58

Ijustdontwantto · 23/11/2022 18:40

They aren’t awful. As I’ve tried to explain - unsuccessfully it appears! - it could be the issue lies with me and not them

I think you have, but people have tried to be sensitive in their responses to you… and some clearly haven’t read the full thread, or even all of your posts.

Its impossible for us to know because we’re not there, but it does sound like you might be projecting your feelings, and as a result, I’d be worried that if you don’t go, you’ll end up isolated and in even more of a negative spiral, and that’ll be even harder to pull yourself up from.

I’d go, have a vague plan to leave after an hour/90 minutes if you’re not feeling it; and see how it goes. Maybe try some ways of controlling negative thoughts? It sounds like it could do you the world of good, if you enjoyed it.

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