I just don’t want to go

[Ijustdontwantto]

Supposed to be going out for dinner with friends tomorrow and I really don’t want to go. I need an excuse …

Do you feel like you are subject of banter or snide remarks? I’d understand why you’d not want to go. Sickness bug or migraine would be by choice of white lie.

If you really feel this way and didn't enjoy last time why did you agree to go again? A non committal not sure if I will be able to make the next meet would have been easier

To be fair it wouldn't be a 'white lie'. A white lie is a lie to save someone else from being embarrassed or hurt, not yourself.

It would just be a plain old outright lie.

I was going to say it's a bit flaky to cancel on friends last minute unless you really have to.

But your update changes things - if they are being snidey towards you and using you to make themselves feel better I wouldn't be keen to continue this dynamic either. I'd probably opt out of this and future group meet ups. They may then stop inviting you but maybe that's no bad thing.

Then you can continue individual friendships with the nice ones, if you/they want to.

Why did you agree to go

I wish it was as simple as nice / not nice - it’s one of those funny situations where it’s hard to put your finger on what’s wrong (which is prob why I agreed initially.)

I really wish I could say to you ‘this is what happened - what do you think?’ But it was so much more subtle than that!

I don't like being the subject of someone "making a joke"/"haven't you got a sense of humour?"
I also have no time for being bullied anymore...I'm too old for that shit, and if it means I lose a frenemy, fair enough.

Ah

I missed this one. Don't go. Tell them you didn't like how they poked fun at you last time and lifes too short for that shit

Looking forward to the thread on Friday about the flaky friend who bails last minute with a made up excuse.

All the advice would be to stop inviting the friend.

It’s a harmless or trivial lie, especially but not exclusively for the purpose of avoiding hurting someone’s feelings.

She needs to have an honest conversation about how she loves the friends but finds the large groups difficult.

In a group of six one person turning up won’t ruin the night and actually people have pulled out at the last minute before (for genuine reasons) including one at my wedding and no hard feelings!

I wouldn't consider 6 people a big group

I have had times when I was younger when I've got bogged down in trying to figure out whether a friend is nice or not nice, whether the problem is them or me, etc.

I think the truth can be somewhere in between. For example they may be generally nice enough people but may have got into a habit of (consciously or unconsciously) making you the butt of all the jokes.

It's okay to decide you are not enjoying a dynamic so you're going to step back a bit - doesn't mean you have to have a big fight or cut them out altogether.

I don't think it would be terrible to opt out if it's a group of 6. Conversely the meet up is tomorrow so I might choose to go along to this one just to see how you find it. If the dynamic is making you feel low I'd think about opting out of future ones. But maybe trying one-to-one meet ups with the friend(s) you feel closest to.

I haven’t read the whole thread just the OP’s posts.

OP you should go and call them out on the piss taking. In a jokey way but just say “oi! can you all stop poking me please” or “right that’s the third comment about me, must be someone else’s turn to be the target now”.

Should get the message across I would hope.

Another tip - try to engineer it so that you sit with the person in the group you like most. Eg if possible travel there together. This makes a huge difference to me in group situations.

If it’s a one off that’s fine. But the person in our group did it 3 times in a row and they were out.

Is it just you the jokes are aimed at, it appears not as you say a lot of it. As opposed to all of it, which makes me think you’re very sensitive to what they see as banter and gentle ribbing, maybe you just don’t fit in with this group , you don’t share their sense of humour and don’t like being teased. So maybe try to find similar friends, who don’t do this?

my friends and I tease each other and have a laugh, we have known each other decades. We also know the sensitive subjects not to touch.

just don’t agree to go again with them, you don’t need friends at all costs. Just stay home, it’s fine.

I'd just go with a vague upset stomach which isnt hard for me to do as I have IBS and to be honest the stress of making myself go out would bring on the IBS anyway. But even without IBS 'an upset stomach' without going into details would work every time.

I've always been totally honest with friends if I don't want to go out.

I suffer with MH issues and have in good faith agreed to do something, and then when it came to the event haven't felt I can.

I've always just said can we reschedule as I'm not feeling well at the moment, and my friends appear to be fine with that and understand.

The real question is what do you want to do about this friendship group in future? Do you see any of the group individually? Could you send a 'sorry something cropped up message' but then discuss why you really weren't there with that person afterwards?

If they're arseholes to you when out though, I just wouldn't agree to hang out with them anymore.

Tell them "I just don't feel up to it at the minute" - which is very true - further probing you could say you are ill or use it o raise the issue - I feel very got at - like all the banter is directed at me -to point I'm not enjoying the meet ups and really not in headspace to deal with it at the moment.

"Sorry can't make it, hopefully catch up soon when it's a bit less chaotic here", works for me every time.

Norovirus is doing the rounds...(it really is) but you're ill with this for a few days.

Having friends/socialising is said to add years to your life.

I always want to cancel meet ups but I hate being a let down so inevitably end up going. Even if I don’t enjoy it, I always feel better in myself after.

just see it as a healthy activity 😂