I just don’t want to go

[Ijustdontwantto]

Supposed to be going out for dinner with friends tomorrow and I really don’t want to go. I need an excuse …

@FatimaHatima because it isn’t as straightforward as don’t like them / won’t ever see them again.

I do like them. I just don’t like being in a group with them in the evening when there’s booze. Things get a bit mean and it feels I’m the one on the receiving end, mostly because I am the fattest, ugliest and least ‘successful.’

It isn’t a nice feeling! But that comes from me, really.

Its v bad form to ditch at the last minute which this is. I really don't know why people commit to things and then do this. People just have zero standards and manners anymore. Yet on the other hand post after post with people who have no friends and others being perplexed
If you want to maintain a relationship with these people go, if not don't but don't kid yourself or believe posters on here that it won't be noticed and the people who did show up won't care !

Ok, do they say things to make you feel that way? I’d so they are no friends of yours. Do they say things to make you feel that way though?

or is this how you feel about yourself, do you compare yourself, feel jealous of them or inferior to them?amd this is amplified when they are together?

@Ijustdontwantto are they saying these things to you, directly or indirectly??
I’d stop talking to anyone who treats me like that - had enough of this kind of bullying when I was a child

I do like them. I just don’t like being in a group with them in the evening when there’s booze. Things get a bit mean and it feels I’m the one on the receiving end, mostly because I am the fattest, ugliest and least ‘successful.’

Why on earth do you like them then?

Are they mean to you on purpose or is it your own insecurities? Do you compare yourself to them?

This honestly doesn’t sound like friendship OP. Far from it.

Just say you are feeling 'under the weather'. This is code for: I don't want to go out tonight.' Perfectly allowable in mid winter if it's just a casual meet up.

It sounds like you are only keeping them in your life for the sake of having friends... Doesn't sound like any of ye like each other (they you or you them). And I'm at a bit of a loss as to what you want to achieve from this thread. So far you want to go but not go, lie but tell the truth, don't enjoy their company but maintain the friendship.... I don't really know what answer anyone can give that will help you! 🙈 Everyone deserves friends they enjoy, that fill them with a nice warmness. If you come away feeling bad what's the point. 💕

I'm really in two minds about this OP although there is no right way or wrong way and its really how you feel about it having thought it through.

So On one hand, I can see why you might be thinking "Why would I want to put myself through this again?"

On the other, However, I think the run-up to this event has had you thinking about the last one and really working out how you feel about it, which perhaps maybe wasn't something that was as clear when you were in the middle of the last event.
With this knowledge, would it be worth giving it one last shot and just seeing how things would turn out if you said something along the lines of. I can take a joke, but I don't appreciate that comment, its something the group tends to do although you may not mean to, it really made me think twice about turning up tonight.

And then turn it back on them very calmly Would you put up with it, if someone said that to you? Why do you feel the need to make jokes like that? Given that I've just told you how I feel, isn't it fair to expect that these meet-ups could be a bit kinder? And let them understand the dynamic from your point of view a bit better.

It might give them pause for thought and then, without being rude, you have said your piece. If you feel they haven't responded, then you can leave early and give it up without any worries about whether its right or wrong to give up on that group.

Also, it may turn out that the evening goes better than you expect, sometimes we are anxious in advance, but now that you have thought about what annoyed you about their attitudes last time, you are better prepared to nip it in the bud/re-educate.

I really don’t know. I really wish that I could give you a definite ‘this is what they said’ but it isn’t as simple as that - it’s more in tone and so on.

i could be misinterpreting.

Then definitely don’t go! That’s a vile way to treat a friend. I wouldn’t be meeting up with them individually either, how can you possibly have a nice coffee etc with one of them on a Sunday morning when the next Friday evening they’re teaming up with the others to call you fat and unsuccessful?

There’s always a degree of group dynamics (eg sometimes with some of my friendship groups were a lot louder/more exuberant than one on one) but nobody switches from being a fundamentally good to a fundamentally nasty person on and off! If they’re bullying you as a group then I don’t understand why you’d then want to see them individually?

Call in with an excuse, if they don’t invite you any more then surely that’s the best possible outcome? Then go and find some better people who do value you and who don’t make you feel anxious at the thought of spending time with them.

”Hi group, I’m going to give this a miss, been feeling under the weather. Have a good night and enjoy taking the mick out of someone else see you soon

They don’t call me fat and unsuccessful - I definitely wouldn’t go if that was the case! Just explaining why I think I end up being the ‘source of amusement’.

Can you give us some examples OP?

Are they directly being mean to you or about you?

What do they actually say that makes you feel this way?

"Sorry, I don't feel up to the dinner tomorrow night, hope to see you all soon." Is fine.

You do need to unpick whether one or more of them are being mean to you, or whether you are being over-sensitive. Think about the group, 5 others is it? Which ones of the five would you feel comfortable unburdening to and think would have your back if you asked for a favour, versus which wouldn't? It's unlikely to be them being mean if you feel the same about all 5. Which one or two are actually the problem?

I really wish I could - it is more a feeling of amused indulgence I get rather than actually being a valued member of the group.

But what do they actually do or say to make you feel this way OP?

"hacking cough, bit of a temperature, lost my sense of smell and appetite"

Tell them you’ve got a stomach bug - but what about next time?
I wouldn’t stay friends with people who make me feel uncomfortable. In the longer term you’re going to have to address this. If you’re being the butt of unpleasant comments then you need to say done thing. ‘Hey, does it always have to be me you say this about?’ If you get a dismissive response, then if I were you I’d say ‘I’m really not up for this. I’m actually quite upset so I’ll call it a night’. Get up and leave. They’ll either apologise or they’ll try to put it on you. If they do the latter, they’re not friends.

Say you have a spastic colon?

It’s very hard to explain, I can’t! I really wish I could - I wish I could explain it to you! All I know is how I feel after a night out.

You sound a lot like me and I would not be able to cope either. Start slightly detaching if this meet up goes the same way as always. I'm the subtle butt of everyone's jokes too and it's horrible.

Imagine if someone said that!!

Just politely say 'Have a lovely time ladies but I'm really not feeling it tonight'. and leave it at that x

Are they old friends or new friends?
Have you always been together in a group, like school friends, in which case there may well be dynamics from the past your slipping in, like feeling unpopular, on the edge. Or are they for example a few school mums who have all met separately? In that case maybe it is in your head. I doubt many people look at other people and think "I'm thinner, prettier and more successful than X". That sounds like it may be low self esteem on your part.

Still I don't think it's bad to bail. I have various groups that I do stuff with and someone often has something come up that means they can't come. It doesn't mean we ignore them the next time.

I understand how you feel it is not a good feeling if they made you feeluncomfortable last time.I would tell them now just say you are not feeling well at the moment but hope they enjoy the evening.