I'm mentally very unwell atm and husband wants to have sex. I don't right now.

[SweetDreams1212]

I'm battling through a horrible mental breakdown at the moment. I have long term mental health problems and things have got extremely bad recently. I have anxiety, ocd, depression, self harm, possible adhd. It's taking all my strength just to look after my little ones (4 & 1 yo) and do my part time job. I'm struggling with sleep, I've lost weight, eating isn't easy sometimes. Last night I was so tense I couldn't even swallow water properly.

My husband is kind and supportive generally but he's said that he wants more sex and intimacy in our relationship. The thought of sex just fills me with added anxiety at the moment. I'm on meds, getting therapy in the next few weeks, seeing a psychiatrist after Christmas.

I love my husband very much but I'm at a point where I'm so low and life feels incredibly difficult that I don't care if he goes off to find someone else if he wants to have sex and I cant do thst right now. He said once a week would be good but I don't even want that right now. I need time to get better and I just feel pressurised.

I mean my aim is just to work on getting better sleep, not waking up every morning with my heart racing and shaking all over, to be able to eat. Sex is way down on the list of needs for me. But AIBU?

It's very relevant actually to know weather OP happily enjoyed a healthy set life with her husband prior to her feeling unwell lately. Or do you expect someone weather man or women to live in a sexless marriage. You read about it all the time on here. I'm not saying this is OP, I was asking.... is that OK with you?

whether !.

No sex is not a need as food or water but it’s definitely a need within a healthy relationship imo , unless people go into a relationship agreeing that sex is secondary which I doubt it happens a lot .
My partner is an amazing guy , great dad and great human being but if he was to tell me tomorrow we would never have sex again then that would probably be a deal breaker . If of course like the op he was to tell me I’m ill and I can’t have it for a while that’s different but make no mistake it would still be hard . So saying sex is not needed it’s not necessarily true . I do need sex to maintain a healthy relationship and I don’t think that makes anyone weird or awful .

Sorry but nobody in a marriage should be 3 years without sex and still be expected to pretend all is ok .

What happened to “in sickness and in health”? Marriage doesn’t mean much any more, does it?

He doesn’t have to pretend all is OK. The rule when someone is ill is “complain outwards”, though – so instead of pressuring the OP, who is clearly too unwell to have sex, he could sign up for counselling and talk out his feelings there. To OP, he can say that when she’s ready, he’ll be there, but in the meantime he won’t mention it. And then just shut up! Yes, even for three whole years! Sometimes people are ill for that long.

I do not think 3 years without sex is possible without affecting both parts if I’m honest . So on one side you would have someone like the op where they are mentally unwell and not able to have sex and on the other you would have someone probably feeling very rejected and feeling awful about themselves. I actually know of someone very close to me whose husband suffers from MH and low libido due to medication , she used to be an amazing lady happy always in the go and after years of sticking by him I can definitely see what feeling rejected has made to her . So by all means in “sickness and in health “ but it need to be to both parties , let’s not pretend being in a sexless marriage is in any way easy or fair on the partner because it’s not .
And by no means I’m justifying the OP partners being stupid to her as she describes , I’m just saying to those saying sex is not needed within a marriage are deluded

The OP is not well though. When your partner is not well sex goes into the want category. No one who is unwell should be made to feel bad or inadequate because they don’t want sex.

Did I say that? Nope.

It is a fact that sex is not a need. This cannot be argued with.

Not a single human being needs sex. Not one.

the incorrect view that it is a need can result in some feeling they have a right to it, which is obviously problematic.

Are you able to get signed off from work?

Are you able to think of ways your husband could be a real and deep emotional support to you in this time, and how you could build intimacy, non sexual? Are there ways you can do more self care and things you love and connect back to yourself? Are there ways he can support you in that?

Let him know you care about his needs and you're not rejecting him (imagine how it would feel in reverse if you were feeling great and ready to have sex and your partner was constantly not up to it). He may be trying to make you feel better. Does he know how traumatised you're feeling? Does he know ways in which he could help, could you tell him?

On reflection I should not have said needs re him sexually, I should have said desires. Sex is not a need.

It’s a need within a relationship . No it’s not a survival need but it’s a need for a healthy relationship . And once more I’m not defending the ops husband actions at all , I’m just saying those thinking any relationship will survive without affecting both people massively if there is no sex are deluded . You ff course in time the other partner will probably end up with issues themselves, no not because of lack of sex itself but because of what it will do to them emotionally. Feeling rejected for years won’t be good to anyone men or woman .

God this thread is infuriating. To all the people saying a sexless marriage makes one person feel rejected/hurt/lacking intimacy, OP asked her husband to cuddle on the sofa and he said no. So it seems to me like he couldn't give a fuck about intimacy (or his wife's feelings tbh) unless it involves his dick. Any thoughts on whether being rejected for cuddles unless they lead to sex might actually be making OP feel rejected, and indeed like a piece of meat?

Sex is part of a healthy relationship. It doesn't have to be timetabled, but sometimes it is a good idea to do it even if you don't really fancy it.

It really isn't a good idea. Having sex you don't want it extremely damaging to your mental health. It's also not a great sign of a healthy relationship to be with a partner who will have sex with you even if they know you don't really want it.

Grown ups would talk about why they don't want it and if that's likely to be temporary or permanent. And maybe decide accordingly.

The "lie back and think of England" attitude should have died when marital rape was made a crime.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/protecting-children-sexual-abuse/202103/what-everyone-needs-understand-about-sexual-coercion

"Research has found that women who experience sexual coercion are more likely to experience post-traumatic stress, self-blame and criticism, depression, anger, and lower sexual desire and satisfaction.

Feeling pressured to engage in sexual activity when you do not want to, is sexual coercion"

It can be a vital part of a relationship to most people. But there are plenty of relationships that are sexless for one reason or another.

Its not a need.

Exactly, funny how that rejection doesn’t even register with these people.

funny how that rejection doesn’t even register with these people.

Because they think with their genitals.

Good relationships ? I’m very doubtful and I dela with divorces daily , being in a sexless relationship is one of the reasons I hear about a lot

I agree sex in needed for a heathy relationship but will never agree with the above , sorry if the op or anyone men or woman doesn’t want sex then they should not be coerced.

I was ill like this- swallowing water even felt like trying to swallow cardboard….. you will get better with the right medication and time. My partner was excellent but one night decided enough time had passed being without sex for him and asked could we……. An orgasm was the only time I didn’t feel high anxiety it turned out.

I know of at least 2 sexless relationships that are rock solid. One is as a result of an accident rendering one of them completely paralysed from the neck down. The other due to severe trauma.

I can go without, if I have to (if DP is ill/away). But it makes me very unhappy and I turn into a passive-aggressive cow

You can go without if he is actually NOT in the house or if he is sick and not able. All other times he must be up for it or you turn into a cow.

but sometimes it is a good idea to do it even if you don't really fancy it

Fuck right off.

If my partner didn't want it, I'd start feeling undesirable, and that is a slippery slope for me (I have already mentioned I have a history of MH problems which are very similar to those of the OP, including not being able to swallow food or drink

So you play the mental health card to have sex. Classy.

Obviously if you deal with divorces daily you'd only see the negative results of someone's desires/wants not being met.