I'm mentally very unwell atm and husband wants to have sex. I don't right now.

[SweetDreams1212]

I'm battling through a horrible mental breakdown at the moment. I have long term mental health problems and things have got extremely bad recently. I have anxiety, ocd, depression, self harm, possible adhd. It's taking all my strength just to look after my little ones (4 & 1 yo) and do my part time job. I'm struggling with sleep, I've lost weight, eating isn't easy sometimes. Last night I was so tense I couldn't even swallow water properly.

My husband is kind and supportive generally but he's said that he wants more sex and intimacy in our relationship. The thought of sex just fills me with added anxiety at the moment. I'm on meds, getting therapy in the next few weeks, seeing a psychiatrist after Christmas.

I love my husband very much but I'm at a point where I'm so low and life feels incredibly difficult that I don't care if he goes off to find someone else if he wants to have sex and I cant do thst right now. He said once a week would be good but I don't even want that right now. I need time to get better and I just feel pressurised.

I mean my aim is just to work on getting better sleep, not waking up every morning with my heart racing and shaking all over, to be able to eat. Sex is way down on the list of needs for me. But AIBU?

The only time sex is a need is when you want to procreate but then it’s still a want, it’s only a need in the biological sense.

if I don't have regular sex all weeks I become grumpy, stressed and unhappy.

Sure, but that wouldn't make you pressure your partner into having sex when they were ill, would it? Against their will? You'd try to find some other way of relieving your grumpiness. You wouldn't keep on banging on about sex when you knew they weren't up to it.

You should tell him to get busy on his own in the bathroom as your health comes first.

Sex is a need, like food, like love and affection. We all know you can't survive without air but you can survive without sex, but then you'll become bitter and depressed. And yes, everyone's sex drive is different, mine is quite high, like the OP's partner if I don't have regular sex all weeks I become grumpy, stressed and unhappy. Sex is absolutely a need, as humans we were designed to breed and last time I checked sex was involved

Ridiculous statement. Sex is like food???...... you don't eat, you die. You don't have sex? You get fucking grumpy.

Sex is a WANT, a DESIRE a CRAVING even but is is NOT a need. What about all the single people who do not have sexual partners? They don't have sex. I am sure if they get a desire for it they sort themselves out. Are they all bitter and depressed???

I can imagine you stomping round the house depressed, angry and ohhh so sad because your husband did not put out. But I neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed it!

Sex is definitely a need for a man. I take it a woman wrote this
Do they start hanging round on Mumsnet when this need isn't met.
**
**

However, I would make a point of explaining to him that you're not up for sex because of your mental health right now and it's not about rejecting him or not being attracted to him.

He's a grown man it should be bloody obvious to him.

Oooof 🤣🤣

Absolutely, and I do believe the OP’s partner is showing a total lack of empathy, he should be much more supportive of her in this vulnerable time. If he’s so horny he should go to the bathroom and have a wa-nk.

This whole “sex is a need” thing is a bit rapey. Sex isn’t a need. It’s an act carried out by two consenting adults. If one doesn’t consent then sex isn’t happening, end of conversation.

You’re not being U at all 🌺 sorry you’re feeling so low and hope you get better very soon.

You’re doing all the right things to prioritise your wellbeing and recovery, all whilst balancing that with looking after your kids and working.

Have you felt able to tell your husband that you don’t want sex right now, even once a week? How has he responded when you’ve said this?

I can see where you are coming from and you should NEVER feel obligated to have sex if you don’t want to .
I can also see his side in the sense I would struggle without sex long term , I love the intimacy that comes with sex on a relationship . How long has this been an issue ? If you are already taking steps to deal with your problems then hopefully he will be there to comfort you . Just communicate with him , tell him it won’t be like this forever . Good luck OP , hugs

@Sandra1984 you'd fit in well on an incel forum with that sort of chat.

There's a key difference here. Yes OPs husband may naturally want and crave sex and intimacy. Nothing wrong with that the heart wants what it wants. HOWEVER (and this is the important bit) ops husband is not ENTITLED to sex/intimacy especially from someone who is not in the mental or physical place to provide it. Arguing this is bordering on coercion, acting grumpy/stressed/unhappy because your partner hasn't reciprocated your sexual advances is disrespectful and again borders on coercion. How does someone fully consent if they feel they have to 'keep up' with their partners sex drive to avoid their partner becoming grumpy with them.

Your point is massively problematic.

@Sandra1984 I agree. Sex is, for me, a need. In my case, it needs to be with a partner whom I love and trust (which rules out casual sex for me). I can go without, if I have to (if DP is ill/away). But it makes me very unhappy and I turn into a passive-aggressive cow. Having a wank is not the same!

That said, OP is clearly not well enough to want sex. Even without the serious MH issues, having children of those ages isn't sexy. But a sexless marriage is going to lead to trouble in the medium to long term. From the husband's pov, the OP might never want it again. And OP says she'd be okay with him going off and having it with someone else - but the one thing that would make her bad situation even worse would be him shagging someone else and mistaking a sexual connection with another woman for love/intimacy and leaving her. Sex is also about love and intimacy, not just scratching an itch,, and for some people it's very difficult to survive without these things. My own MH, which is not great, would take a massive hit if my partner didn't want to have sex with me or be intimate/loving if he couldn't actually dtd.

Sex is also about love and intimacy, not just scratching an itch

It isn’t for a lot of people. Particularly men.

I've had a breakdown and been surrounded by other people having a breakdown, and can't understand why any loving person would want to have sex with someone having a breakdown.

My own MH, which is not great, would take a massive hit if my partner didn't want to have sex with me or be intimate/loving if he couldn't actually dtd.

But here it's OP's dh who's turning down a chance to be loving:

I called him out on it and said, so you're not too tired to have sex but can't watching something relaxing for half an hour (which would have helped me) with just a cuddle on the sofa.

Exactly! The DH may well have a libido itch he needs to scratch but that’s what masturbation is for. The thought he wants to scratch that itch with someone on diazepam and seeing a psychiatrist and so tense they can’t swallow water is abhorrent.

@Cw112 you'd fit in well on an incel forum with that sort of chat.

I don't know why saying I'm a woman with sexual needs that needs to get laid often otherwise I get grumpy makes me an "Incel". Silliest thing I've ever heard.

Sex is not a need, this is a fact that cannot be argued with. No one needs sex. As others have said this view is very problematic.

imo people who say it is are using that as an excuse for their poor behaviour when they don't get what they want, when they want, which is a form of emotional abuse tbh.

Oh lovely. So god help any woman who gets I’ll (mentally or physically) and can’t have sex. This could happen to and of us at any time. Could he run over by a bus tomorrow and come out with a fractured pelvis and not have sex for months or years. Would you just expect your husband to ‘find it elsewhere’?
Dear oh dear. What low standards and expectations we have of people. I don’t know about anyone else, but I married for life. In sickness and in health and I meant it.

He sounds like a bit of a dick. He can gave a wank for now.

It’s still a want! You will not keel over and die if you don’t have sex. If you were stranded on a desert island not having food or water will kill you but not having sex won’t! Why is it so hard to understand?

Firstly OP if you said marriage vows this includes 'in sickness and in health' there are plenty of illnesses where sex isn't possible (for men and women) and this is one of those right now.

What would you do if your H's dick was blown off in an accident? Would you pester him for sex or would you be more understanding? I'm guessing the former.

People don't die if they don't have sex. It is possible to take care of sexual urges, and not be a rapist or rapist adjacent, by wanking. This is what decent people do.

Jesus F Christ.

Sexual intercourse is not a human right. If you need a wank, have a wank. Don't involve any unconsenting people in that wank.

That's all.

Sorry the latter! Got my formers and latters mixed up. Decent people don't pester ill people for sex.

so if your partner had an accident tomorrow and couldn’t have sex for months / years whilst recovering you would turn into a passive aggressive grumpy cow because you couldn’t get you rocks off.
Lovely.
Don’t know why I keep reading posts on MN. Makes me so depressed - the pure selfishness of people, over and over.