I'm mentally very unwell atm and husband wants to have sex. I don't right now.

[SweetDreams1212]

I'm battling through a horrible mental breakdown at the moment. I have long term mental health problems and things have got extremely bad recently. I have anxiety, ocd, depression, self harm, possible adhd. It's taking all my strength just to look after my little ones (4 & 1 yo) and do my part time job. I'm struggling with sleep, I've lost weight, eating isn't easy sometimes. Last night I was so tense I couldn't even swallow water properly.

My husband is kind and supportive generally but he's said that he wants more sex and intimacy in our relationship. The thought of sex just fills me with added anxiety at the moment. I'm on meds, getting therapy in the next few weeks, seeing a psychiatrist after Christmas.

I love my husband very much but I'm at a point where I'm so low and life feels incredibly difficult that I don't care if he goes off to find someone else if he wants to have sex and I cant do thst right now. He said once a week would be good but I don't even want that right now. I need time to get better and I just feel pressurised.

I mean my aim is just to work on getting better sleep, not waking up every morning with my heart racing and shaking all over, to be able to eat. Sex is way down on the list of needs for me. But AIBU?

Listen the Op asked if she was being unreasonable. Clearly not. If she’s not up for sex, then her husband should respect that.
But sex and intimacy is a fundamental need for women and men. Her libido will return and relations will resume when she is ready. Probably when the youngest turn 21 and moves out.

It kind of depends how he’s said it tbh.

I don’t think there’s inherently anything wrong with saying, I miss intimacy with you and ideally I’d like sex, but if it’s more a case if hassling you then that’s different.

So she shouldn't get pissed and shag her husband so she feels better?

And no one NEEDS sex, its nice if you want it and can get it consensually, but its not a need. Thinking sex is an actual need is a dangerous way of thinking.

It hopefully will return. But you were suggesting she lies back and thinks of England in the meantime. It's a disgusting suggestion and won't help her mental health in any way.

@AthenaPopodopolous what everyone else said.

What will make the OP feel better right now is being listened to, supported and validated.

When a woman says she does not want sex (because she is literally having a mental breakdown), you do NOT say 'Oh go on, you never know, you might enjoy it!'

If she thought she would enjoy sex, she would have sex. She has made it very clear that she would not enjoy sex, and has explained why.

Required viewing for anyone who doesn't quite get the 'No means no' thing.

Let’s just hear what the poster has to say. She needs to know she is not being unreasonable, however, I think it’s good she has listened to her husband wishes.
Sounds like a healthy marriage to me.
But she does need a break.
I hope your health returns soon OP and things get better for you. Lots of us women can totally empathise with you but it will pass. Xx

Lots of us women can totally empathise with you but it will pass

"Us womem" Yeah right.

You're not in the right headspace to have sex right now and it's your right to say No. But your husband has needs too and may well look elsewhere. You've said you don't mind this. However, it could lead to relationship breakdown.

You need to tell your husband that you feel unwell at the moment and can't have sex but he's free to go and get his needs met someplace else.

He was wants, not needs.

If his want overrides his love and commitment to his wife then he may well go elsewhere. Thats on him

You're not in the right headspace to have sex right now and it's your right to say No.

There you go Caroffee, fixed that little bit of bullshit for you.

'I understand you want to be intimate, but just getting through each day is all I can manage for now, this is not a reflection on how much I love you and care about our marriage, but I need to get better first. Then we will make up for lost time. Please don't ask me again, when I am ready I will come to you'

My god are we really stuck this far back in time?

You don't want sex, you don't have to have to sex, no one does. No one 'needs' sex. If he can't be supportive of his wife when she is unwell I'd be telling him to fuck right off.

OP I hope you start to get better soon.

"In sickness and in health" means he takes the hard times and the good. It sounds like you are incredibly unwell, and have plans in place to manage this. He can choose to stay, and help you in your times of ill health (as per the vow he took when he married you) or he can leave.

No way would I put up with being pestered for sex when I was so critically unwell.

What?!

Have you posted about this before? I’ve read something very similar on here very recently, the dc are the same age, four and just over one. Husband wants more sex, sex has only happened four or five times in four years?

I think this is a different poster as that one had a very different approach and mindset and the husband had been much more sensitive

As pps have said you don't owe anyone sex or intimacy if you are not in the headspace for it so no you are not being unreasonable.

That being said, in terms of if your husband is being unreasonable I think it depends a lot on the tone and context of the conversation. If he's saying that he misses that closeness with you because he loves you etc but isn't directly trying to pressure you and is generally very supportive, then I don't think it's unreasonable for him to be honest with you about how he's feeling and what he would like to build up to. It's bound to be really hard on both of you but it needs to move at a pace YOU are comfortable with. If you've been honest with him about how you're feeling then I would hope he would respect that and while you can both acknowledge that yes, this is hard and is difficult for you both to connect in that way, it's just how things need to be for right now at least until you are in a better head space.

Can you speak to your psychiatrist about it? Some medications etc can really affect libido and it might give you some more answers as to why you're feeling the way you are and might help you both to understand and accept it a bit better?

If, however, your husband is pressuring you, continues to keep bringing it up regularly, nags you about it, huffs about it or makes any sort of threat to go sleep with someone else if you won't sleep with him then he's out of line completely.

Friend had this. She thought agreeing to it would help her husband's own mental health struggles as he tried to cope with hers. Several years on, she's finally on the mend and he is seeking help for ongoing mental health problems. Having sex with him didn't make him better and certainly didn't make her better.

The responses then were sympathetic to the DH, he wanted her to go to counselling or if she couldn’t do that would she consider an open marriage. He doesn’t want another woman, he wants her.

I just thought it sounded similar.
There nothing worse than being pestered for sex. Biggest turn off ever.

Yuck

Maybe because he approached it entirely differently.

Totally agree, specially when you're tired or unwell. Total turn off that creates a huge crack in the marriage. Lacks empathy, makes you feel like a piece of meat when you less need to feel like a peace of meat plus makes your partner look like a desperate hobbo that can't wait till tomorrow. I've broken up with men for that reason only, but then when that happens the lack of empathy usually expands to other aspects of the relationship not only the sex pest thing.