I'm mentally very unwell atm and husband wants to have sex. I don't right now.

[SweetDreams1212]

I'm battling through a horrible mental breakdown at the moment. I have long term mental health problems and things have got extremely bad recently. I have anxiety, ocd, depression, self harm, possible adhd. It's taking all my strength just to look after my little ones (4 & 1 yo) and do my part time job. I'm struggling with sleep, I've lost weight, eating isn't easy sometimes. Last night I was so tense I couldn't even swallow water properly.

My husband is kind and supportive generally but he's said that he wants more sex and intimacy in our relationship. The thought of sex just fills me with added anxiety at the moment. I'm on meds, getting therapy in the next few weeks, seeing a psychiatrist after Christmas.

I love my husband very much but I'm at a point where I'm so low and life feels incredibly difficult that I don't care if he goes off to find someone else if he wants to have sex and I cant do thst right now. He said once a week would be good but I don't even want that right now. I need time to get better and I just feel pressurised.

I mean my aim is just to work on getting better sleep, not waking up every morning with my heart racing and shaking all over, to be able to eat. Sex is way down on the list of needs for me. But AIBU?

I think its interesting that op hasn't said anything other than she temporarily hasn't wanted sex, and posters are now debating whether or not it's reasonable to be in a sexless marriage.

To me it's pretty clear cut OPs dh IBU. I'm baffled why posters are getting het up about sexless marriages. It's basically up to the individuals involved whether or not they'd tolerate that - but guilt tripping/sexual coercion is not the answer

If that's aimed at me I think I brought up sexless relationships first as a pp said relationships need sex.

I was saying they don't, it will be a vital part for most, but not all and its certainly not a need, because sex is not a need for any human.

Discussions tend to evolve a bit from the op.

It's hugely depressing that there are at least two posters here who essentially think that she should just grit her teeth and let him do his business to keep the peace (even if she needs to be drugged to do it).

If she had a broken arm and having sex would hurt her, no one would argue that it was unreasonable for her to say she couldn't do it... in fact it would be laughable to contemplate that he might go and get it somewhere else because he's temporarily injured and in too much pain to shag. No one would be saying "just bang four tramadol and let him at it or he might leave!" However because this is a mental illness- still a temporary injury- apparently she can just put it aside and be used as a wanksock for her husband... and if she doesn't he might leave her and that's fair enough.

God, the internalised misogyny is so fucking depressing.

What am I reading? Has this thread been invaded by a herd of sexist arsehole trolls?

OP, I really hope you start to feel better soon.
As others have suggested, would getting signed ofg for a couple of months help?
Your dh is being an idiot. YANBU. No way.

There are some good suggestions upthread of how you could try (again) to get the message across to him.

Take care.

I thought you would pipe down after that! 😅

Can you honestly read your post back and not see what's wrong with it?

Not aimed at you

Having read back, aimed at the people you were arguing with! From my perspective they are building giant straw men to distract from the fact they fundamentally think sexual coercion is a good response in some circumstances

Hi Op,

I see that you’ve had plenty of advice about the husband situation (I’m so sorry he’s doing this to you while you’re so low) but I wanted to say that I know how hard it is. About a year ago I was going through the same thing and I ended up in hospital for a while after I made an attempt on my life.

The whole thing was hell from start to finish and I really never thought I’d get through it! I’ve always had mental health issues, from childhood trauma, an abusive relationship with my first husband and am also being assessed for adhd atm but I think the pandemic and having a really difficult birth in the first lockdown pushed me over the edge. I had four kids at home and a newborn and my husband runs a business that didn’t let up even during coronavirus and I just couldn’t cope.

I wanted to offer some words of hope and encouragement, and let you know that honestly it really will get better. You mention in your opening post that you’re seeking support and have a psychiatrist appointment on the horizon and that’s brilliant news x

Dont feel guilty about taking the time you need to focus on yourself and getting better. Your husband will have to wait and if he can’t wait, and be supportive to you then perhaps you’re better off without him. I hope you’re feeling more positive soon and know that there’s light at the end of the tunnel.

I still struggle some days but nothing like before, counselling and other support has been invaluable and I feel in control of the reins of my life again for the first time in years. You’ll get there in time too, just keep going xxx

That's OP's call. This woman is extremely unwell and has posted here for some help and support.

She doesn't need to explain anything to anyone.

-What am I reading? Has this thread been invaded by a herd of sexist arsehole trolls?*

The entire site has. They've been around for a while.

You have misquoted and misunderstood my post. If you read the thread, you will see that I have been in FULL support of the OP and I am not one of the supporters of the husband.

The post you have quoted of mine contains comments from others. They are not my comments.

@LordNelsonsPigStatues thank you so much. I was crying reading that. It's so encouraging to read your story. I just feel incredibly low right now and feel like I'm spiralling. I've just got to keep going for my children and focus on them to get through.

Just wanted to say OP that I was hospitalised but I have never had a relapse in 20 years, there are brighter days ahead 💐 I definitely think you should be signed off work though x

No worries, sorry I misunderstood! 😊