I'm mentally very unwell atm and husband wants to have sex. I don't right now.

[SweetDreams1212]

I'm battling through a horrible mental breakdown at the moment. I have long term mental health problems and things have got extremely bad recently. I have anxiety, ocd, depression, self harm, possible adhd. It's taking all my strength just to look after my little ones (4 & 1 yo) and do my part time job. I'm struggling with sleep, I've lost weight, eating isn't easy sometimes. Last night I was so tense I couldn't even swallow water properly.

My husband is kind and supportive generally but he's said that he wants more sex and intimacy in our relationship. The thought of sex just fills me with added anxiety at the moment. I'm on meds, getting therapy in the next few weeks, seeing a psychiatrist after Christmas.

I love my husband very much but I'm at a point where I'm so low and life feels incredibly difficult that I don't care if he goes off to find someone else if he wants to have sex and I cant do thst right now. He said once a week would be good but I don't even want that right now. I need time to get better and I just feel pressurised.

I mean my aim is just to work on getting better sleep, not waking up every morning with my heart racing and shaking all over, to be able to eat. Sex is way down on the list of needs for me. But AIBU?

Is this place literally just about centering men in absolutely everything now? What a shameful embarrassing thread.

I was in your position many moons ago and do you know how many times dh brought up sex, not once! Tbh if he had our relationship would not have survived.

I agree. Sex is, for me, a need. In my case, it needs to be with a partner whom I love and trust (which rules out casual sex for me). I can go without, if I have to (if DP is ill/away). But it makes me very unhappy and I turn into a passive-aggressive cow. Having a wank is not the same

FFS. You turn into a passive aggressive cow if your DP doesn't want to have sex with you? The poor fucker.

Why is it so hard to understand for you? If I were stranded on a dessert island and on survivor mode my priorities would be finding food, shelter and water, not getting laid. Once I had found a nice cave, a fountain and hunted a few antilopes my libido would probably pop up again. Fortunately for me this is not the case, I'm not stranded in a dessert island nor in survivor mode. Libido is alive and kicking I'm afraid...

Once I had found a nice cave, a fountain and hunted a few antilopes my libido would probably pop up again

I'd get meself seen to if this gave you the horn.

I think antelopes tend to be native to dry climates, a desert island would likely be a wetland type place. Good for frogs and such, maybe monitor lizards but you'd want to keep away from them, although I hear they can get a bit 'fruity'.

Its still not a need tho.

This makes such depressing reading, 10 years ago this thread would be supporting the OP and shaming a partner who was putting pressure on his mentally ill wife. Now we have ' Oh but ALL men need sex/ it's a need like food/ what about HIS needs etc '. Bloody hell 🙄

She didn't specify the location of my dessert island hence the reason I throw in the "antilopes", but it could have been rabbits or goats. Eating frogs would be a no-no for me.

I know. Mumsnet is turning into yet another tool of the patriarchy, so depressing

"Sex is a need" ffs

We all know you can't survive without air but you can survive without sex, but then you'll become bitter and depressed

Funny that I've managed a long time without sex and managed not to become bitter and depressed. What a vile, regressive view of women.

What h do fuck off. Its no more a need for a man than it is for a woman, it’s just men generally feel more entitled to it.

That's exactly it, it's entitlement of the highest order.

You arnt being unreasonable but your husband will get sex elsewhere without a doubt that is what they do so it's up to you !

Luckily some decent human beings exist that won't cheat on their ill spouses and break their wedding vows. Perhaps you don't know any of them though.

If you would coerce your husband into sex when he was extremely ill, because you deemed your entitlement to sex as more important than his health, then you are sexually abusive and I suggest you get therapy.

That's an interesting view, but I have a different one (my deepest apologies), I'm glad you've managed to live a long time without sex, kudos to you (if it's something you can congratulate a person for). A "vile and regressive" view of women is stating that we (as women) don't have sexual needs. I'm a woman and have them (again: my deepest apologies). Women have been educated for centuries to repress their sexual needs, fantasies and whatnot by the patriarchy, sex was something we had to stay away from till marriage and then used to breed and bring the children. Any deviation from that narrative and we would be slut shamed, put in a convent or burned as witches by the patriarchy, that's why I find it completely fascinating to be burnt alive on mums net for expressing I'm a woman with sexual needs.

You live, you learn :-)

What a complete mess this thread is, so sad. OP he’s a twat. He’s contributing to your illness.

Having a healthy appetite for sex is NOT THE SAME as it being a literal need. Nobody is shouting you down for liking a lot of sex, good for you! You ARE being shouted down for implying that OP's husband is being in any way reasonable for insisting on sex when she is literally unable to even swallow water.

So sorry everyone for my message re the Tonie box. I thought I started a new thread. I have requested that it be removed. I hope I haven’t caused any distress to the genuine posts.

No one is denying women have sexual wants/needs. The issue is putting them before the well being of your very unwell partner. How the hell anyone could have sex when the other person isn't enjoying it beggars belief. You wouldn't do it if someone was physically ill, it's the same thing!

Desires, not needs.

Calling it a need (that results in emotional abuse if its not met) plays into the hands of the very people - the patriarchy - that you seem so keen to look like youre rallying against.

Just remember you are amazing and enough. You are doing all that you can for your children and that is enough. I can’t even comment on your husband as it’s beyond me that he would even say anything. Big hugs to you.

I believe you've misunderstood (which is OK because I'm not British so my wording might have not been the best). As much as sex is a need for me I believe the OP's husband is being a tw-at. The OP is unwell, on top of she's dealing with an enormous amount of pressure, her partner should be supportive of her, help her during this difficult time. He's not doing that, he's being pushy, adding more pressure on her and showing a total lack of empathy. If he has "sex needs" but OP can't cope right now because of illness (mental health in this case) he should go to the bathroom and have a wank. Instead he's being a sex pest. How charming.

@Sandra1984
What is the relevance of you liking sex got to do with this thread ?

That's an interesting view, but I have a different one (my deepest apologies), I'm glad you've managed to live a long time without sex, kudos to you (if it's something you can congratulate a person for). A "vile and regressive" view of women is stating that we (as women) don't have sexual needs. I'm a woman and have them (again: my deepest apologies)

Add passive aggressive and snarky.

I'm not shaming you for having sexual needs. I'm calling you out for saying that women who don't have sex get depressed and bitter - although having sex doesn't seem to have done much for your disposition, I must say. And I don't need your congratulations for being celibate, thanks. Personal choice and one I'm very happy with.