I'm mentally very unwell atm and husband wants to have sex. I don't right now.

[SweetDreams1212]

I'm battling through a horrible mental breakdown at the moment. I have long term mental health problems and things have got extremely bad recently. I have anxiety, ocd, depression, self harm, possible adhd. It's taking all my strength just to look after my little ones (4 & 1 yo) and do my part time job. I'm struggling with sleep, I've lost weight, eating isn't easy sometimes. Last night I was so tense I couldn't even swallow water properly.

My husband is kind and supportive generally but he's said that he wants more sex and intimacy in our relationship. The thought of sex just fills me with added anxiety at the moment. I'm on meds, getting therapy in the next few weeks, seeing a psychiatrist after Christmas.

I love my husband very much but I'm at a point where I'm so low and life feels incredibly difficult that I don't care if he goes off to find someone else if he wants to have sex and I cant do thst right now. He said once a week would be good but I don't even want that right now. I need time to get better and I just feel pressurised.

I mean my aim is just to work on getting better sleep, not waking up every morning with my heart racing and shaking all over, to be able to eat. Sex is way down on the list of needs for me. But AIBU?

I always wonder what these "sex is a need, I need it every week" people think the long term single do.
Sex is not a need.
It is important for a healthy relationship but its not a need and there's no threshold that must be met.

For me, I wouldn't want sex with someone who doesn't want sex with me. And when my partner doesn't want sex because he's tired/stressed then I'm concerned for him and what I can do to support him, rather than making it about my "needs"

He said once a week would be good
Hm, suggesting a schedule makes it sound as if he's not got the message yet that you are actually unwell, that this is something serious, and that it's not about how often you want to have sex with him, it's about how often you are able to. Might be worth pointing that out, but it's not a good sign that he's not caught on yet.

Are you still at work? Do you tend to struggle on, getting on with things and trying not to complain too much? If so, your body may be trying to tell you that you need to stop doing that. And it might explain why your dh is acting like you are not ill. Could you speak to the GP again about getting a few weeks/months off work? Have you looked into local self-help groups or other schemes, apart from the psychiatrist?

Next time your dh says he'd like sex X times a week, or now, or whatever, I'd suggest answering that you, too, would like to have that as well, and you are sorry that it's not possible due to your illness. He clearly needs it spelling out like a child that this is not about you not wanting him. That it's not about him. It's about you, your illness, and you'd like him to help you.

This is exactly what a NHS psychiatrist said to me when I had severe PND and a 3 month old.

Thanks for the trigger.

Sex is important. It may not be a “need”, but it is a vital part of a healthy relationship. If there has been no sex between monogamous partners in a while, this will lead to depression and resentment. Unless of course, both parties are happy with a little to no sex scenario.

Not having sex when you don’t want to is also important. No one should ever feel forced.

Having said that, this is the cause of the breakdown of many relationships, so I personally wouldn’t put off talking about it for an extended period of time if you value your real and want it to work.

Rightly or wrongly, lack of sex can and does result in affairs or divorce. That’s the reality. Only the OP’s partner knows how patient he can actually be and only OP currently knows how long it’s been seen they last had sex.

Good luck op. I hope you feel better soon.

Long term single people obviously walk around just permanently pissed off or crying all the time. You usually see them in town centres just shouting angrily at passers by because they haven't recently bred like the wild uncontrollabe animals they are. They also occasionally just try and jump on people, because, you know, its a need.

You arnt being unreasonable but your husband will get sex elsewhere without a doubt that is what they do so it's up to you !

Sex is definitely a need for a man. I take it a woman wrote this

Sex is definitely a need for a man. I take it a woman wrote this

Sex isn't a need.

If the OP's husband is too impatient to put off sex until she is well again, then I'd be asking myself if he could be playing a major role in her illness.

Wtf? You think all men are out there shagging like rabbits every other day?

How? Where?

It did with mine. It was a horrific time for me. Kids similar ages and similar age gap.

So what happens if a man can't get sex? Like literally no one will have sex with him?

I can totally see why someone with a high libido can put major pressure on a partner who is going through a very low libido period (can be due to children, mental health issues or medication). You have my total sympathies OP, but do keep in mind this is a very common problem in couples (mismatched libidos) and you are not alone at all. This said, your husband should be showing more empathy and helping you out through this vulnerable period. The fact he's pressuring you more when you can even swallow water because of the anxiety makes him a total t-wat. If he's feeling horny he can bugger of, go on the internet and jer-k of to porn so his balls don't explode

@tunthebloodyalarmoff what do you think will happen to a man who doesn't have regular sex? Did you know there are men who've never had sex? Why are they still alive?

They become very nasty little men who will do horrible things

So the man needs sex to not do these things. That correct?

Sex is a need, like food, like love and affection. We all know you can't survive without air but you can survive without sex, but then you'll become bitter and depressed. And yes, everyone's sex drive is different, mine is quite high, like the OP's partner if I don't have regular sex all weeks I become grumpy, stressed and unhappy. Sex is absolutely a need, as humans we were designed to breed and last time I checked sex was involved.

WTAF??? Sex is a want. People need food and water to survive, not sex.

@Sandra1984 Just because you become grumpy if you don't have sex doesn't mean everyone who doesn't have sex is grumpy/stressed/unhappy/bitter/depressed.

As for the 'designed to breed' comment, I have no words.

I think maybe that's not ALL men...

Fucking hell. Some of the posters on this thread. The op is mentally unwell, just because she is just about coping with small children and a job, doesn't make her any less unwell.
Would you recommend just giving your husband what he wants, for a physical illness.
Just because you can't see something, or perhaps you are lucky enough yourself not to have experienced mental illness, doesn't make it any the less debilitating.

Nobody should be having sex if they don't want it. The problem for me with other forms of intimacy is I know my DH then becomes aroused and even though he wouldn't ask or push me I know he is aroused and then I feel guilty. He might well offer to snuggle on the sofa, or give a massage or whatever, but I usually say no because I know it may well lead to me feeling guilty when I know he is genuinely trying to make me feel better not convince me to have sex

Good point.

He'd hardly win any awards for being the caring, supportive partner the OP needs right now.

You seem to have a very sheltered life based on how easily surprised you seem to be. My deepest apologies for having a high libido and getting all grumpy, stressed and depressed when I don't get laid in a while . Will you forgive?

...me?

He has two options:

1. Treat your body like an object for his pleasure and damage you further emotionally by doing so
2. Support you emotionally until you are ready (however long it takes) he puts off sex and just has the odd wank instead.

Only one of those options results in a happy marriage. If he’s going to go for option 1, he may as well bugger off now and save you both the faff of a declining marriage. I hope you get the help you need OP 💐.