I'm mentally very unwell atm and husband wants to have sex. I don't right now.

[SweetDreams1212]

I'm battling through a horrible mental breakdown at the moment. I have long term mental health problems and things have got extremely bad recently. I have anxiety, ocd, depression, self harm, possible adhd. It's taking all my strength just to look after my little ones (4 & 1 yo) and do my part time job. I'm struggling with sleep, I've lost weight, eating isn't easy sometimes. Last night I was so tense I couldn't even swallow water properly.

My husband is kind and supportive generally but he's said that he wants more sex and intimacy in our relationship. The thought of sex just fills me with added anxiety at the moment. I'm on meds, getting therapy in the next few weeks, seeing a psychiatrist after Christmas.

I love my husband very much but I'm at a point where I'm so low and life feels incredibly difficult that I don't care if he goes off to find someone else if he wants to have sex and I cant do thst right now. He said once a week would be good but I don't even want that right now. I need time to get better and I just feel pressurised.

I mean my aim is just to work on getting better sleep, not waking up every morning with my heart racing and shaking all over, to be able to eat. Sex is way down on the list of needs for me. But AIBU?

You are not being unreasonable. Nobody should have sex they don't want to have.

However, I would make a point of explaining to him that you're not up for sex because of your mental health right now and it's not about rejecting him or not being attracted to him. I say this from a personal experience, it might be obvious to you why you don't want sex but he might need it spelled out a bit so he doesn't feel hurt by it. Have a chat with him, tell him you feel pressured and you just need him to wait for you to feel better. Hopefully he will do the right things from then on.

I promise you, if you love him then you absolutely would care if he slept with someone else. Don't suggest this to him as a solution he just needs to love you and wait for you.

I hope you get the support you need and feel better soon.

Can't think of anything less sexy than having sex with someone who is struggling mentally.

Is "sex" code for intimacy though? How is the relationship generally? Is he gentle and caring outside of the bedroom? If everything is OK with the relationship, you're going to have to tell him to be patient with you, it's really not a priority right now.

Take care of yourself.

Oh, yes. There are a number of those on this site. On every thread like this you can guarantee one pops up. They disgust me.

OP, you sound very unwell at present and I'm so sorry you're struggling with all this. It sounds horrible. You need to focus all your energies on your recovery and if I were your partner I'd be worried sick about you and wanting to do everything possible to help you.

A woman struggling to drink water is highly unlikely to be game for a sexual marathon, as most people with a modicum of insight could see. A conversation to that end is still pretty clumsy and a bit off, but if he's actually pressuring you for sex you don't want, then that's inexcusable. This isn't supportive, and it isn't kind.

Sending you get well wishes OP, and I hope you're soon on the mend. Attend to your (very real) needs first, and advise your husband that he needs to be patient. No one, ever, should capitulate to sex they don't want.

This is on par with wanting sex when your partners really ill on chemo! What the hell is wrong with people that they need sex so much even at the cost of their partner’s health?

Why? Will his balls explode? Poor balls.

Thank you for all the supportive responses. It's actually been really helpful.

I think one pp said something about I'm in surviving mode and my dh is in thriving mode. That's exactly how it feels. I'm just trying to get through simple things at the moment like meal times or work (I'm a ks1 teacher so not exactly a relaxing job). I'm finding it extremely hard to look after myself to keep my head above water. My husband does know this and I have explained about not wanting sex right now. It's very hard to feel intimate when you're going through this level if anxiety. My gp even prescribed me diazapan without hesitation or without me asking last week. My gp would never do that lightly unless she felt it was really bad!

Dh sometimes brings sex up in conversation or just starts touching me occasionally. Last night I sat down to watch TV and ge did a bit of work on his laptop next to me. I said to him could we watch something together when he'd finished. He said he was tired (9.30) and wanted to go to bed. But then he said, unless you want to have sex. So I called him out on it and said, so you're not too tired to have sex but can't watching something relaxing for half an hour (which would have helped me) with just a cuddle on the sofa.

I'd try to talk to him. Maybe it's not purely about sex.

Tell him to use his hand.

You're going through so much and he’s throwing in added pressure. No one owns your body except you.

Let's hope so!

Perhaps you can make sure he knows you appreciate his support (when he is being supportive) and you love him (assuing you do)

As for his 'needs' - well, we can all take care of our own sexual 'needs' if we have them, without bothering anyone else. But the idea that "men have needs" meaning sex with a partner is generally used to justify rapey, coercive, entitled behaviour, purchasing sex, etc, so as a concept it is very suspect IMO.

Yes we have social/emotional needs, men, women and children. But none of them require to be met by sex.

Apart from the fact the OP does not want sex, because she is unwell.

A "wee" drink to someone who is suffering mental health issues, is about the worst possible advice.

You do know that alcohol is a depressant?

@ValerieDoonican Yes we have social/emotional needs, men, women and children. But none of them require to be met by sex.

BS.

Sex is a need, like food, like love and affection. We all know you can't survive without air but you can survive without sex, but then you'll become bitter and depressed. And yes, everyone's sex drive is different, mine is quite high, like the OP's partner if I don't have regular sex all weeks I become grumpy, stressed and unhappy. Sex is absolutely a need, as humans we were designed to breed and last time I checked sex was involved.

FFS, this thread is like stepping back in time. Some of the responses are dreadful 😡

OP, you are unwell. Your husband should be supportive of you and ensure that you are taking care of your needs first (and that he is also mindful of your needs) before he puts demands on you for his 'wants'. He has two hands presumably, so he can use them until you feel well enough to show him any affection. However, at this rate, you may never want to have sex with him again and it is your prerogative to say NO.

I hope that you are able to prioritise your health and well-being. Feel better soon🌻

YANBU

I think you need to be very clear.

I would tell him ...
I am sick. Its taking all of my energy to keep my head above water at the moment. I don't want to have sex at the moment. I also don't want to feel like I'm being pressurised. Please don't mention it again and when I'm ready and able I'll let you know.

If somethings got to give it might be worth asking to be signed off work. It is also possible to modify / reduce your working hour with a fit note. Does your school provide external counselling? Mine did.

@Sandra1984 Does that just not put major pressure on the other person though?

You might want to get some help if you honestly think you will become 'bitter and depressed' if you are forced to masturbate for a few months because your dp is seriously unwell???!!

Seriously where do these nutters come from.
I am not put on the earth to 'breed' - speak for yourself!!
😂
There is supposed to be some gap of intelligence and consciousness between you and a wild animal sandra well there is for most of us anyway!!!
Reasoned thought, control, capability over urges etc etc etc. That kind of thing. Jesus Christ.
I didn't think I had the capacity to be surprised on here anymore and then along comes a post like this.

I'm waiting for someone to tell the OP she should take a deep breath and do her wifely duty.

Anything wrong with your fingers?

Sex is not a need. It really isn't.

Saying people can become depressed/bitter or whatever is an excuse to justify shitty childish behaviour because they've not got their end away as much as theyd like 🙄

Are you on hormonal contraception or breastfeeding?

Be blunt.

“I am very ill and do not want to have sex. Stop asking me because I am not going to have sex until I am better and I want to have sex.”

Hilarious. So all long-term single people are depressed, are they? Have you forgotten wanking exists?

Sorry I have not read through the posts op however if I were you I would go to the doctor's and ask to have your thyroid tested there are a number of symptoms there that might be causing you to feel the way you do. Do you have any swelling in your neck at all? Your weight loss, depression ect could be an overactive thyroid.

Sex is not a need. It's a want.

OP I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Your husband is not being supportive.

Its nonsense op. If a lack of sex makes someone bitter and depressed or angry etc. that's on them to try and work out why they feel that way.