To expect uninvited guests to fit in around us?

[RockingMyFiftiesNot]

I need to be deliberately vague here....
Relatives have invited themselves to spend Christmas with us. I understand why, have said yes and they will be made very welcome.
I'm massively committed in December so am trying to get on top of planning for Christmas now. Had a zoom with them tonight as one of them has some dietary requirements I needed to be clear about
They then asked about what we would be doing on the days they are with us - and proceeded to say they didn't like x, y, and z, wanted Christmas Day to be done a certain way etc etc. I was proud of myself that I didn't tell them to F off; but they are under the impression that as they are guests, they get to call the shots. Don't want to drip feed so need to add that reason they wanted to be with us is so that they can be near an elderly relative who won't make another Christmas, which complicates things somewhat.

Not quite sure how to handle: we've already had our Christmas turned upside down to an extent by saying yes to their self-invitation, so I don't want to have to further change our plans because they want Christmas in our home to be a replication of Christmas in their home.

Not sure if that makes sense, whether I'm being inhospitable, or just over complicating things?

You didn't have to tell them to f-off but you do need to let them know you have plans already and they are not being changed. Then grey rock any objections.

Just say what you've said here.
"We're happy to have you but just be aware we do Christmas differently, but I'm sure we can all muddle through."

How did you handle it on the zoom call when they laid out all their requirements?

I think you need to be up front that if they don't like it they have 3 options

1. Stay home
2. Pay for a hotel/alternative accommodation
3. Shut up and put up (if they choose this and show any signs of complaining tell them to stay elsewhere)

If they’ve invited themselves, then “like it or lump it” is the reply that comes to mind when they try to change your plans.

Exactly what @User0ne says above!

Are there compromises that can be made? I'd make a list of what's non negotiable for you and what I'm willing to go with for them, then give them another call.

“Of course you can do those things. We’ll be sticking with our plans, though. You’re welcome to join in.”

I think you need to be very clear now-are there DC in the mix?
Can't you just tell us who the ppl are? It makes a difference and if they are reading this they will know anyway.

"I appreciate your suggestions-this is going to be a tricky Christmas for everyone. i think we all need to be flexible. We will be doing blah blah blah."

'We'd planned our Christmas before you asked if you could stay with us, so that's what we'll be doing. Let us know if you want to join in or do your own thing.'

you are being over complicated.
when they say we don't like presents in the morning, we always wait until after lunch,
you say, that's interesting.
we do have them in the morning, so it'll give you a chance to experience something different.
and so on.
acknowledge that they do a, but you do b in your family.
there's no need to be rude.
nor to change to their demands.

There's a middle ground between capitulating to them and telling them to f off

Be clear what your plans are. Tell them which parts they are welcome to attend and what will be happening.

Hmmm

Can you have a conversation with them sooner rather than later to go through details?
They are your relatives- are you close enough to talk about it?

You may have to negotiate / compromise a bit though. Ultimately, you already said yes, and is cooking three types of potatoes really worse than being trapped in a house with atmosphere?

Nip it in the bud now, say we have planned our Christmas, so if you want to celebrate differently perhaps a local Air bnb would be better. If you don’t be firm from the start, the asks will keep going. Sooooo cheeky to invite yourself then try and dictate the Christmas you’ll be be having. How are these people related to you?

What are they asking for that you either can't accommodate or don't wish to? I think (broadly) YANBU but given the wider circumstances I would try to figure out a way to make this nice for everyone.

What did you say on the zoom call?

Tell them the plans are made and won't be changing. They're welcome to bring their own food to fit their dietry requirements and if it's not satisfactory insert (name of hotel).

I'd reiterate that they are welcome to visit them provide a heads up about your existing plans do they can let you know which they would like to join and when they will be making other arrangements by going out.

So long as you don't allow any sign of frustration to appear in your voice, you will be able to get through this without feeling that they are taking over.

Anything they suggest, be ready to say that would have been lovely but we have already decided to ..

Good luck. You are doing a kind thing.

They are absolutely CFers (and I don't often comment to that extent).
As PP have said, tell them the way your Christmas goes, and suggest they stay elsewhere if it doesn't suit them.
And tell them if they persist to jog on, or fuck off, whichever is your preference.

YANBU. They come to yours for Christmas, they do Christmas your way!

You spend Christmas exactly how you want to spend it. They have invited themselves so they have to fit in with you. When they tell you how they want to do it just say oh that's interesting, we don't do it like that. Would you prefer to stay at home?

“Hi - good to catch up earlier. Just running through the final plans for Christmas. Taken on board X’s dietary requirements, which are all fine. We’ve decided to stick with our usual traditions around timings etc, so we’ll be eating at x, opening presents at y, going out for a walk at z. Join in as you fancy. See you soon!”

It’s your house. We have a houseful for Christmas and it will be exactly as we want it. Actually anyone staying over at any point in the year always gets woken up at 6:30am, as I’m not going to keep my children quiet in their own house 😂

YANBU stick to your guns, and well done not telling them to F off.

I'm wondering what sort of changes they are demanding. Because how I responded would depend on what they were saying should happen.

They're guests, they don't get to demand any changes, you do Christmas how you want. If they don't like it, they're free to go elsewhere.

they didn't like x, y, and z, wanted Christmas Day to be done a certain way

What are they actually asking you to do/not do? That would massively impact on my reaction. If they don’t like turkey and want you to cook spag bol, then I would say, sorry-we are having turkey perhaps it’s better if you don’t come as you will be disappointed. If they want to go for a walk after lunch but you don’t, then I’d tell them they were more than welcome, but I wouldn’t be joining them. What exactly did they say?