To expect uninvited guests to fit in around us?

[RockingMyFiftiesNot]

I need to be deliberately vague here....
Relatives have invited themselves to spend Christmas with us. I understand why, have said yes and they will be made very welcome.
I'm massively committed in December so am trying to get on top of planning for Christmas now. Had a zoom with them tonight as one of them has some dietary requirements I needed to be clear about
They then asked about what we would be doing on the days they are with us - and proceeded to say they didn't like x, y, and z, wanted Christmas Day to be done a certain way etc etc. I was proud of myself that I didn't tell them to F off; but they are under the impression that as they are guests, they get to call the shots. Don't want to drip feed so need to add that reason they wanted to be with us is so that they can be near an elderly relative who won't make another Christmas, which complicates things somewhat.

Not quite sure how to handle: we've already had our Christmas turned upside down to an extent by saying yes to their self-invitation, so I don't want to have to further change our plans because they want Christmas in our home to be a replication of Christmas in their home.

Not sure if that makes sense, whether I'm being inhospitable, or just over complicating things?

Yes, we have Christmas dinner much later than in laws have it at theirs, but it needs to be at our time to suit our family so that’s what we do. They have never tried to get the time changed.

I think what you do need to factor in is the relative. As this is the last Christmas, things should largely revolve around them. If they tend to be more alert in the morning and that is when you or your visitors want to visit them, then the meal needs to fit in around that. Or it may be that dying relative is expecting various visitors and needs to space them out and your slot is 2 - 3pm or something. Then you fit around that.
Otherwise, make it clear what you do but also accommodate their requirements where you can. We have relatives from both sides of the family staying so both have to compromise as we're not doing Xmas as they would. We've always said that we'll eat later than my family did but earlier than DH's did and also explained what other food will be available

Do what I did the year someone arrived at my house and told me to put my dog away because they had a baby. I said, 'she lives here, you don't. If you'd like to go outside on to the patio, I'll talk to you through the window'.

Of course, but that isn't really the issue. It's more that they want Christmas Day to be like the one they would have at their own home .
I know I need to be firm, but was just a bit taken aback that they even thought they could dictate the schedule etc

Ermagerrd im you. I've had relatives announce they're coming to us boxing day (as if they're bestowing upon us a great gift) then making all sorts of demands. The mutual relative who probably won't make next Christmas also applies.

As I've got older, I've got less patient about bending to accommodate everyone else's needs before my own, so:

Sil, after announcing her starring role in Boxing Day at Jane's House, followed up with "I'll be having turkey as it's a special occasion" (she is a "vegetarian" in name only), presumptuously assuming/demanding i cook a Christmas dinner in honour of their royal visit.

I categorically informed her that they were welcome to visit, but I'm not going to the expense and effort of cooking a full Christmas Dinner 2 days running. There'll be whatever they want to contribute, along with leftovers and picky bits.

Radio silence ever since.

I have sympathy for your guests as this obviously isn't the way they'd like to spend Christmas and are very set in their ways. I think I'd accommodate them where there's a good reason, eg make sure they're not left hungry and waiting for dinner if they like to eat regularly but that's really just about being a good host isn't it? But no need to rejig your whole day. The earlier suggestion to talk about compromise and muddling through with good humour sounds like the way to go. It's only for one year.

“I’ve been thinking of what you were saying on our zoom call. We are happy to do a and b, but we don’t want to change x,y and z. Is that ok or would you prefer to get a b&b?”

THIS.

I think you have to be very clear indeed that the day will be following your normal schedule, not theirs, and that if they don't like eating late, for example, then they'll have to go out for lunch when they want to eat. Otherwise your Christmas will be made utterly miserable by these people moaning all day.

Oh, I would have assumed she was just trying to reassure you that she will eat what's going and doesn't need any special veggie catering that day.

Possibly does need a vague outline if they're staying a few days

I think I'd accommodate them where there's a good reason, eg make sure they're not left hungry and waiting for dinner if they like to eat regularly but that's really just about being a good host isn't it?

Quite. I was planning on feeding them before the main meal, just having the Christmas Dinner on the table at midday as they would like isn't going to work for us.

No she's a pretend veggie 😍Anyone who was a real veggie wouldn't touch the turkey!

I think I love you @PlainJaneSuperBrain99 😍
No drama, no hands wringing - just here's the deal.....

Are they wanting dinner at a time that enables them to visit frail relative?

We have had various iterations of Christmas Days, depending on the needs of those present: guests and residents. Evening dinner was moved to lunch when small children were present, and back again when they grew older.

@RockingMyFiftiesNot Yep I think most people eat Christmas dinner later than they do. They can always help themselves to a snack or something at 12 to tide them over.

Christmas Dinner on the table at midday
😮midday!!
snakes alive that's before breakfast, what is WRONG with them

There'll be whatever they want to contribute, along with leftovers and picky bits
LIKE your style😎
mind you I'm surprised they tried it on, how did they not know you'd make mincemeat of them?!

(Name changed..)

We have a similar thing in that we have a relative who will be staying with us over Christmas for the first time. I'm quite anxious about it, but it needs to happen. DH is adamant that we will be having our usual Christmas and that guess will just have to lump it. Because of the circumstances, I'm not 100% sure that will pan out, but I have given the guest a rundown of what usually happens, just to give them a heads up.
I guess we'll see. The experience will be new for everyone.

I suppose what I'm suggesting is that you give them a heads up about what usually happens/what your family plans are but offer them the option to opt-out, rather than change your plans for them.

Was it someone you didn't care for then? 🙀

*Guest, obviously, not guess.

Wing it.
have fun

What kind of monsters eats Christmas dinner at 12 o clock 🤔. Far too early as it doesn't leave enough time for all the lovely Christmas snacks in the morning 🙈

On a serious note, your house, your rules. They fit in it go elsewhere.

Tell them that, while you are happy to have them stay, your plans are made, and will be carried out. If this is a real problem for them, they are welcome to make other plans of their own.

I find Christmas a tricky time to balance family expectations, because I always want everyone to be happy and that's not always possible when expectations vary.

You mention that the reason for their visit is an elderly relative for whom this Christmas will be their last. If this relative is dearly loved, this will be an emotional time for everyone. I do just wonder if your house guests, faced with the situation they cannot control ie the loss of the elderly relative, might feel like they need to have some certainty and predictability at this time? Is that why they seem to be dictating what will happen when? (And perhaps if the elderly relative is also a relative of yours, the same might apply?)

It is extremely generous and kind-hearted of you to accept their self-invitation, particularly when the impending loss of the elderly relative may at times dampen the festive spirit. Both families will have to make compromises during their stay, but it's your home and your family, and the guests don't have the right to dictate what happens and when. It's difficult to find tactful forms of words I know, but being open and honest about expectations, while understanding where your relatives are really coming from, might lead to fewer resentments in the long run.