To expect uninvited guests to fit in around us?

[RockingMyFiftiesNot]

I need to be deliberately vague here....
Relatives have invited themselves to spend Christmas with us. I understand why, have said yes and they will be made very welcome.
I'm massively committed in December so am trying to get on top of planning for Christmas now. Had a zoom with them tonight as one of them has some dietary requirements I needed to be clear about
They then asked about what we would be doing on the days they are with us - and proceeded to say they didn't like x, y, and z, wanted Christmas Day to be done a certain way etc etc. I was proud of myself that I didn't tell them to F off; but they are under the impression that as they are guests, they get to call the shots. Don't want to drip feed so need to add that reason they wanted to be with us is so that they can be near an elderly relative who won't make another Christmas, which complicates things somewhat.

Not quite sure how to handle: we've already had our Christmas turned upside down to an extent by saying yes to their self-invitation, so I don't want to have to further change our plans because they want Christmas in our home to be a replication of Christmas in their home.

Not sure if that makes sense, whether I'm being inhospitable, or just over complicating things?

My mother always did roast beef on Christmas Day at 1. My great grandmother had done it that way, so there was no way to change. Every Christmas was a misery, as she refused any help and no variations were permitted. When my girlfriend came for Christmas, we had to eat at a table in another room. Mother bought too many gifts, and it was was wicked stressful. Every year, I walked out on the hot mess, but my father would call after ten minutes, begging me to come back. He didn’t dare argue with her.
Do Christmas your way. If your guests can’t cope with that, suggest they stay at a hotel that serves food on Christmas Day.

I just wanted to say that you're already being incredibly accomodating by agreeing to them staying. You could've said no and they'd have to pay a small fortune on alternative accomodation over Christmas 🤷🏽‍♀️

Let them know what happens at your house at Christmas and they're welcome to join in. If they don't want to do things your way, then they are welcome to make other plans that suit them better ☺️

As a mum with a child with an allergy, I love that you are taking their dietary requirements into such consideration!

Good luck!

I am sure they can find a restaurant and hotel of their choosing if they cannot fit around you.

you sound an accommodating host, and hope it is a special achristmas with your relative.

Could this be the start of them being nightmare house guests? They sound horribly rude. Start as you mean to go on and confirm your schedule, so there’s no doubt.

TLDR : well, not if you are in the `middle of things' when they call! 😕

"Oh no, we do Christmas this way in this house. It suits us." Say this in a surprised way when demands are made.
Present as a fait accompli: "Dinner will be at 5."
Don't say "is that ok?"

You just need to say it and stop the plaster off op. Backlash is their problem.dont take anything coming back at you to heart.
Not your monkey not your circus.amd carry on.
Say you've been planning and obviously with your own dc and usual timings a move of usual routines just won't work.dont worry we graze all day but for our own wellbeing and dcsplans we need to keep things as they are.i no you too want your own familiarity and we will try to give you a comfy time but for this year,your might look different.but I just can't change things.so timings will be approx...
Then leave it.
Try add in a few of their traditions.
But this is your home.your dcs.
Plus they don't demand change so that's fkd that off right away

So they are expecting/demanding that you serve up Christmas dinner at a time that your own adult children can't make? That does seem a bit bonkers. I wonder if they might go away and reflect on how daft it would be.

Avoid getting into "I want" vs "you want" and keep it about what is physically possible. It has to be between X and y time because that's the only time everyone will be here. If they still don't get it, ask them if they are seriously suggesting you leave your adult DC without dinner on Christmas Day!

Your house, you do Christmas your way. If they don't like that they can find a hotel.

Gosh OP, they sound fun!
As someone who used to bend over backward to accommodate my guests and used to love entertaining, past tense, I put your relative down as impossible to please 🤔 they make me want to weep with frustration just by reading the thread
I'm quite sure they left that zoom call thinking that you now known how to do Christmas this year, too!
When you speak again, no detailed schedule or they'll use it to hang you with, just say it's going to be lovely, Christmas is a little different at your house, they'll love it and won't starve.
On D Day, do your thing with an aren't you lucky smile, and plenty of food and plenty of drinks to keep them sweet.
Good luck OP, you are a saint.

Older sister?

I think the poster who said they and you are trying to find control and predictability in the difficult situation of a relative’s last Christmas are correct.

You are doing a good thing letting them stay. It will be hard being gentle on them and yourself at a hard time but that is what you have to try to do. Give them grace and give it to yourself too for feeling frustrated. Good luck.

A surprising number of people get weird about Christmas. Years ago, my sibling’s in-laws, not my in-laws, actually phoned me in the run up to Christmas to tell me they’d talked to everybody and they had all agreed without me that I was going to host Christmas to their requirements (they had form for doing this kind of thing). I hadn’t actually offered to host Christmas, but my having a baby apparently ruined their Christmas Day schedule and they felt it would be easier for them to do their own schedule as usual with me disinvited, and then have me host them at my own home for a “second Christmas” later in the same day so they could come over on their way to the airport (they were dropping off their own adult child for a flight). I was to cook, host, and offer stockings and presents to their specific requirements for ten people. I was presented with their traditional family recipe and everything.

I was taken aback, as my only “accommodation” for having a baby was to arrive an hour later than the usual 8am on Christmas morning, without asking them to wait for us or change anything. It had worked the previous year (I had a post on here about that I think, years ago), but apparently they hadn’t liked it as well.

I was young and stupid and eager to please, and I actually did it for three years. It was expensive and stressful (the holidays are the busiest time for our business so I was very short on time) and I cried many tears over the whole thing as they weren’t particularly kind. They were rude about everything from my baby’s appearance to refusing to wish me a happy holiday or Christmas, to suddenly leaving after 30 minutes after I’d done all that work and cooking. I kept on because you want Christmas to be special, don’t you? This lasted until they had their own grandchild last year.

They now fly across the country to accommodate their new grandkid and threw their entire rigid Christmas schedule out the window overnight because their adult child had a baby and needs accommodating. We don’t see them now as they make no effort, and it’s an incredible relief.

OP, don’t let it get to you. Christmas is a day that should be about being together with your nearest and dearest. Please take it from me: the minute that their rules become more important than your company is the minute you need to bow out for your own sanity. You’re doing a very generous thing in opening your home at Christmas, especially during a time like this. You are also facing what’s very possibly the last Christmas with your relative. You’re doing the right thing in keeping the plans that work for you and your grown children. I wish I hadn’t let anyone backseat drive my life and I hope you won’t yours. Merry Christmas, OP, and many happy returns.

We have family coming and generally share out all the tasks including cooking and agree major decisions together and plans (regardless of whose house it’s in). So personally I wouldn’t care about chatting through people’s hopes but I think dictating things to you is rude.

I cant believe the cheeky fuckery of some people and the sheer entitled behaviour. Good grief. Id have told them to go to a hotel.

There is still plenty of time for them to make other arrangements if your routine doesn't suit...

It's always tricky to spend Christmas at someone else's house. As long as there's flexibility on both sides, I can't see any major problems. I prefer to eat Christmas lunch somewhere between 12 and 2, if I'm at home and it goes beyond that I would revise the day and serve it for dinner any time after about 6.30. The one thing I really hate is eating a huge meal around 4ish which is what my hosts will do this year, but I really, really want to see them so... you just suck it up. Even though I know it will mean I'll be snacking around 12 and then again before bed, (sigh, my poor waistline!) People are more important than things, my only request as a guest is, what time may I go to mass over Christmas to cause the least inconvenience?

@mediumbrownmug I don’t understand why you did all that for your sibling’s in-laws?

Even though I know it will mean I'll be snacking around 12 and then again before bed, (sigh, my poor waistline!)

It's one day!

My god some people! I couldn't imagine inviting myself and then expecting the day to change! They fit in with you or they don't come!

Hi OP. You sound very kind hearted.

I think the main problem is that you asked them their plans - which may now result in them expecting those to happen.

Maybe have another call with them and explain that, after mulling it over, you are not sure they understood that your own Christmas plans are such and such….. Then invite them to join in with what you have planned or suggest they do their own thing? Hopefully this can clear any misconceptions before they arrive?

I hope all goes well.

What a bloody cheek 😳. They're self invited guests. They have to fit in with you and you must tell then that and that there is no alternative. Be firm. Fuck off comes later when they disagree. Good luck and have a nice Christmas 🎄 😊.

Honestly OP forget the bloody calls about what time people will eat some food. Do exactly what you would do and totally style
It out.

If they are relying on you to cook what will happen at the stroke of Midday? Will they all gravitate to the dining table like automatons and bang their cutlery in despair? No
Will they leave? No
Will some one die? No
Will there be passive aggressive mentions starting from 10am? Possibly. Just ignore, offer a Pom bear and some gin and start peeling potatoes at midday.
Keep these phrases for repeated outings:

• I've been enjoying the morning Jason, there's plenty of Pom Bears to eat on the table there
• The waiting will be worth it Howard, think of the poor starving children
• Xmas morning is for relaxing Robbie, there's 3 flavours of Pringles here if you are hungry. I can do you some super noodles instead?
• oh me and DH only had breakfast half an hour ago Mark!
• if you can't wait another two hours Gary there's a fucking pub down the road. I'm not cooking at fucking 6am you madman.

Not sure why I used the members of Take That but I suspect they may also be demanding about the timing of their festive feasts. Especially Gary. Arsehole.

Well, I would just message them.
"As you know, our Christmas day has to accommodate huey, duey and leuy, and their partners. So, we will be eating at 4 as this works best for most."
Won't they be out visiting the relative though?