To expect uninvited guests to fit in around us?

[RockingMyFiftiesNot]

I need to be deliberately vague here....
Relatives have invited themselves to spend Christmas with us. I understand why, have said yes and they will be made very welcome.
I'm massively committed in December so am trying to get on top of planning for Christmas now. Had a zoom with them tonight as one of them has some dietary requirements I needed to be clear about
They then asked about what we would be doing on the days they are with us - and proceeded to say they didn't like x, y, and z, wanted Christmas Day to be done a certain way etc etc. I was proud of myself that I didn't tell them to F off; but they are under the impression that as they are guests, they get to call the shots. Don't want to drip feed so need to add that reason they wanted to be with us is so that they can be near an elderly relative who won't make another Christmas, which complicates things somewhat.

Not quite sure how to handle: we've already had our Christmas turned upside down to an extent by saying yes to their self-invitation, so I don't want to have to further change our plans because they want Christmas in our home to be a replication of Christmas in their home.

Not sure if that makes sense, whether I'm being inhospitable, or just over complicating things?

They are CFs, instead of being grateful for a free stay and food they are trying to call the shots.

Tell them that you're used to doing Xmas your way and won't be able to change it.

Perfect.

They can snack earlier and have a small dinner plate later if they wish.

Lunch at 12, I have NEVER heard the like🙄😁

Could you have brunch at 11 or 12? Coffee, pastries, croissants etc, some smoked salmon and cream cheese blinis maybe? Lowish effort (especially if the cream cheese and salmon are laid on table to be spread themselves) and have some bucks fizz? They get to have a celebratory meal at close to their normal time and you would want to eat anyway.

BTW YANBU at all. Even if I have invited people for Christmas dinner, I tell them what time we're eating!

How much would it cost them if they had to pay for a hotel and the Christmas dinner they want at the time they want??
my go-to response is 'how kind of you to offer [to exploit me as a free hotel] but I'm away on holiday/ incapacitated with debilitating norovirus etc'

I think you have to be nice but firm and have a conversation,or it will be miserable and awkward for everyone .

Yes. This ^

I'm glad you've got it sorted in your head, OP. It sounds like an upsetting time for everyone in your family. I hope you all get through it ok and even have a nice time together along the way.

Glad to know it's clear in your own head now @RockingMyFiftiesNot

and that you have plans in hand to avoid get suckered into waiting on them hand and foot all day or let them be in your way in the kitchen.

All the best.

I’d email something like “Thinking about our Zoom call. It occurred to me that we may well do “Christmas” in a different way from how you’d like. Totally understand that people have different traditions which are important to them, so if you’d like to make alternative arrangements somewhere else we honestly won’t be at all offended and will completely understand.”

Your house. Your schedule. The end. The person who cooks decides what and when!

Great response

If guests come for Christmas they do it your way! End of.

They should be fitting in with your not making demands or go a book an air bnb

So, when they said "we want x y z to happen", what did you actually say.

I can't imagine that you said absolutely nothing and shut down the zoom call.

Did you agree?

Did you say you'd think about it?

What do they think will be happening?

Yes. This is the only way. Why do you have to put up with their demands, you are already being generous enough having them in the first place.

No more zooms, they are taking that as you asking their permission.
Email - saying exactly what YOUR plans are and saying they are welcome to fit in with this. But if it doesn't suit they are welcome to do their own thing.
Same as, I have noted Person x's dietary requirements.

Unfortunately, i think you have to actually write a schedule that suits you and stick to it.

They're willing to join I with what you have already planned for yrself and Yr family. If they want it to be oh so different then maybe they shd find an a.ternative place to stay / not come.
Tell them that!

This really, but if they objected I would use the F-bomb out of sheer frustration😣

This is precisely why we stay at home and eat pizza. Don’t need the drama lol

Send them a detailed timetable of what you'll be doing.
Maybe include the food if that's likely to be not what they want.
Tell them they are welcome to join in (apart from Xmas Eve bonk), or not .

Fingers crossed, they might uninvite themselves.

This. Or just tell them that they can't come - that would be even better!

I would just send them a note with

"Here is our planned program for Christmas ( detailed diary for each day).
Just feel free to join in or drop out as much as you like; no formalities.
We know you will have other plans for things you want to do and visits to Relative"

If they are coming by car they can get themselves around. Otherwise they might find it convenient to either hire a car ( you could recommend local co) or borrow some bikes.

You didn't have to tell them to f-off but you do need to let them know you have plans already and they are not being changed. Then grey rock any objections.

This really, but if they objected I would use the F-bomb out of sheer frustration

This has been said a few times already - I did NOT tell them to F off!!!!

I need to speak to them about something else at the weekend and will make it clear that they are very welcome but I'm not prepared to change the meal time. They already know perfectly well that there will be plenty of food available, so they won't go hungry. Not that I'm inflexible at all, for anyone who hasn't RTFT, but we had already agreed timings with DC who also need to fit in in-law visiting, before this lot invited themselves.

If you are a guest, you need to roll with the hosts. If something is really important to you, you can put in the request with the host but don't assume it's going to happen. Or you can go ahead and do it but don't expect everyone else to follow suit.

I would tell them they're welcome to stay over, you understand they want to be near that frail relative. So you will offer them B&B. I would also tell them you yourself have of course made own plans, and that if you are receiving some guests they don't like they might spend a few hours in the guestroom with a good book, or go to the local chipper or such.

It's more that they want Christmas Day to be like the one they would have at their own home

The obvious answer to that is for them to stay home and have the one they want

Whether I'd have them at all would depend on if they'll roll with your arrangements or if they'll go on and on about being hungry before/have
indigestion after the meal "because we NEVER eat this late!!"
Only you'll know that, but otherwise I agree with nearly everyone else ... rather than shilly-shallying just tell them what's going to happen

YANBU. You're already having to host family with all the work that entails (making up beds, buying extra food and drinks, cooking for extra guests etc.) who invited themselves for Christmas. It's VVU for them to start making demands as to how they spend the day in your home. Would a breezy reply work - i.e. "Oh gosh, we couldn't possibly have dinner at midday because ........ (insert reason). We could try it won't happen to time it for 3 o'clock instead of 4 like we usually do." That way it looks like you're compromising.