Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect uninvited guests to fit in around us?

183 replies

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 22/11/2022 21:11

I need to be deliberately vague here....
Relatives have invited themselves to spend Christmas with us. I understand why, have said yes and they will be made very welcome.
I'm massively committed in December so am trying to get on top of planning for Christmas now. Had a zoom with them tonight as one of them has some dietary requirements I needed to be clear about
They then asked about what we would be doing on the days they are with us - and proceeded to say they didn't like x, y, and z, wanted Christmas Day to be done a certain way etc etc. I was proud of myself that I didn't tell them to F off; but they are under the impression that as they are guests, they get to call the shots. Don't want to drip feed so need to add that reason they wanted to be with us is so that they can be near an elderly relative who won't make another Christmas, which complicates things somewhat.

Not quite sure how to handle: we've already had our Christmas turned upside down to an extent by saying yes to their self-invitation, so I don't want to have to further change our plans because they want Christmas in our home to be a replication of Christmas in their home.

Not sure if that makes sense, whether I'm being inhospitable, or just over complicating things?

OP posts:
StaunchMomma · 22/11/2022 21:38

Just tell them that you also have a preferred way of how Xmas runs, as a family, that you will be doing it as you always have and that hopefully they'll have a good time.

They're being CF's.

Don't you bend an INCH!!

Stripedbag101 · 22/11/2022 21:39

Who are they be what changes do they want.

For example if it is your sister be she wants you to open presents in the morning rather than go for a long walk because she has young children that’s reasonable.

but I suspect the relations is not as close be the demand not as reasonable

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/11/2022 21:39

Cheeky sods. It doesn’t matter why they’ve invited themselves, if they’re going to be precious they Cajun book a fucking hotel.

If they’re spending actual Christmas with the ill relative why will they even be at yours on the day or much of other days?

CherrySocks · 22/11/2022 21:39

I think they are very rude.

You don't invite yourself to someone else's at Christmas (full stop) but if you have invited yourself to someone else's, you don't then proceed to tell the hosts how to do Christmas a different way.

FelicityFlops · 22/11/2022 21:40

It is incredibly rude to "invite" yourself anywhere. It is even worse to expect that you can then dictate how this visit is going to be.

Shelby2010 · 22/11/2022 21:41

Can you give some examples of their demands? Hard to tell if it’s unreasonable otherwise.

User38899953 · 22/11/2022 21:44

What sort of demands are we talking? It's hard to judge how unreasonable they are.

Situations like this often need a step back. As it's the Last Xmas with a relative for them, I would be tempted to go along with them. Let them all enjoy a last Xmas 'their' way.

fruktsoda · 22/11/2022 21:45

I think it depends on what they're asking you to do differently, but ultimately, they should only request changes if it's actually important for some reason. If it's just "this is the way we like to do things, so do it that way," I'd write a message that you've considered everything and have decided that you'll do things your way, and they are welcome to join in as they wish or do things their own way, as much as possible. You don't have to do everything together, but for things like meals, yes, they'll need to fit in around your plans, if they want to enjoy a family dinner, for instance.

It's not impolite to do things your way. It's your home, after all, and guests usually go along with what the host has planned.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 22/11/2022 21:47

Hard to tell without closeness of relative and demands made but easy to say what you’re going to be doing imo

Brigante9 · 22/11/2022 21:50

Seriously, they’re telling you how things are going to be when they’ve invited the,selves? No, no, no, I don’t think so. You do what @User0ne said so very succinctly. Cheeky buggers!

Youdoyoubabe · 22/11/2022 21:54

Maybe a polite.

'Oh, wow you do Christmas a bit different to what we are used to. How strongly do you feel about things being different this year? Perhaps you would like to take the lead on one or two things and leave the rest to me'

Then when they arrive give them a programme of activities detailing whether they are compulsory, optional or free time.

PurplePositivity · 22/11/2022 21:55

I'd suggest to them to look up the word favour!

Soothsayer1 · 22/11/2022 21:55

gate crashers gonna gatecrash!
they started out trampling your boundaries, you thought they'd compensate for that by being extra polite, but riding roughshod over you is their modus operandi, can you find your own modus operandi and stick to it?

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/11/2022 21:57

User0ne · 22/11/2022 21:16

I think you need to be up front that if they don't like it they have 3 options

  1. Stay home
  2. Pay for a hotel/alternative accommodation
  3. Shut up and put up (if they choose this and show any signs of complaining tell them to stay elsewhere)

This is pretty much what you need to do. They are effectively using your home as a hotel, aren't they? They're not visiting YOU, they're using you as a base to be near an elderly relative. As such, they need to show a bit of damned GRATITUDE and come armed with gifts and a what-can-I-do-to-help attitude.

"they want Christmas in our home to be a replication of Christmas in their home."
Not. Going. To. Happen. Your, home, your rules - your Christmas. I suggest you contact them and say something along the lines of 'When I got off our Zoom, it suddenly struck me that you expect us to change our way of doing Christmas to your way. Just to be clear - that's not going to happen. You're welcome to come and join in with us - but our Christmas will be our Christmas. I thought I'd better bring this to your attention ASAP, so that if you can't handle that, you've got time to make other arrangements.'

Do NOT pander to them!

coverp · 22/11/2022 21:57

Different situation but perhaps some relevance:

We spent 4 or 5 Christmases at a family friend's house in the years after my brother died as my family couldn't face having our normal Christmas without him. I'm sure it was a massive imposition on them as it totally changed the dynamic of their Christmas but they never once made us feel like anything other than a wonderful addition to their day. A decade later and I'm still immensely grateful for what they did for us. If these relatives are facing a tough year and you can make it easier for them, I would be inclined to try. But then you haven't told us what they are asking for, so it's tricky to know.

Stopthebusplease · 22/11/2022 22:00

I'm guessing that these people are possibly parents who have been used to dictating to you your whole life. I went through this with my Dad, and found myself having to be assertive with him, as I was no longer prepared to be treated like a child, especially in my own home. He TOLD me to go and make him a cup of tea, and not in a pleasant, jokey way, just a simple thing, but he had a way about him which could really rile me if I let it, and I knew that if I just jumped to it as he expected, he would continue ordering me around until the day he died. I was not unpleasant, just said that if he would like a cup of tea, he would be very welcome to one, but to just ask me nicely and not order me around in my own home. He went out and sat in the car sulking, until he was told dinner was ready, and he could either come in and eat it with a good grace, or go home and come and pick Mum up later. He came in for dinner!! Don't let these people walk over you in your own home OP!

Soothsayer1 · 22/11/2022 22:00

whether I'm being inhospitable
you're not, but they will be using this:
elderly relative who won't make another Christmas
as leverage to punish you by making you feel guilty if you dont obey them

HowDoYouOwnDisorder · 22/11/2022 22:08

What do they want that clashes so much with your plans?

I’ve had various family members over for our Christmases, some want to go to church, some want to drink from 11 every morning, some must watch the Queens speech… all these things were fine with me, though I do none of them myself

What exactly do they want that is unacceptable?

qpmz · 22/11/2022 22:16

I can't believe Christmas needs to be so planned, it warrants a zoom call! It's just a bit of dinner and a few presents - doesn't need an itinerary!

Your guests shouldn't be pressuring for specific activities- everyone should go with the flow (of Bucks Fizz preferably!)

cleanfreak12345 · 22/11/2022 22:17

Why have you allowed people to invite themselves to your house?

Have you always been a doormat?

Original poster
RockingMyFiftiesNot · 22/11/2022 22:18

DisforDarkChocolate · 22/11/2022 21:14

You didn't have to tell them to f-off but you do need to let them know you have plans already and they are not being changed. Then grey rock any objections.

I didn't!

OP posts:
saraclara · 22/11/2022 22:21

You don't change your plans at all. You make them very welcome to YOUR Christmas.

Next time you speak to them, you simply make it clear that you have your own Christmas traditions that you'll be continuing, and that you hope they enjoy a different Christmas, chez Rocking.

Ofcourseshecan · 22/11/2022 22:25

You are being very kind, OP. I know “No good deed goes unpunished”; but I hope you have a good Christmas.

MilkshakesBringAllTheCoosToTheYard · 22/11/2022 22:29

It depends what they want changed and why though. If, say, you usually do presents mid-morning and that is when they plan to be with the elderly relative then I'd work around that, for once. But if you usually do presents first thing and they just can't be bothered getting up, then obviously they're going to miss presents! We need more context...

Original poster
RockingMyFiftiesNot · 22/11/2022 22:30

I can't believe Christmas needs to be so planned, it warrants a zoom call! It's just a bit of dinner and a few presents - doesn't need an itinerary!

Zoom is just a way of communicating ! We've used zoom with them since Covid as a way of seeing them and just carried on. I just wanted to check on some dietary restrictions as I am buying and cooking ahead; then other things got discussed.

OP posts: