To expect uninvited guests to fit in around us?

[RockingMyFiftiesNot]

I need to be deliberately vague here....
Relatives have invited themselves to spend Christmas with us. I understand why, have said yes and they will be made very welcome.
I'm massively committed in December so am trying to get on top of planning for Christmas now. Had a zoom with them tonight as one of them has some dietary requirements I needed to be clear about
They then asked about what we would be doing on the days they are with us - and proceeded to say they didn't like x, y, and z, wanted Christmas Day to be done a certain way etc etc. I was proud of myself that I didn't tell them to F off; but they are under the impression that as they are guests, they get to call the shots. Don't want to drip feed so need to add that reason they wanted to be with us is so that they can be near an elderly relative who won't make another Christmas, which complicates things somewhat.

Not quite sure how to handle: we've already had our Christmas turned upside down to an extent by saying yes to their self-invitation, so I don't want to have to further change our plans because they want Christmas in our home to be a replication of Christmas in their home.

Not sure if that makes sense, whether I'm being inhospitable, or just over complicating things?

No. But I love my dog and she wasn't going outside at their request :)

YANBU. I see why you’d be taken aback at their assumption they can dictate that sort of thing!

I don’t think you really need to do anything about it, though. When they arrive just let them know that unfortunately you weren’t able to change everyone else’s schedule to allow for a lunchtime Christmas Dinner but you have [whatever food you intend to make available/activities you do]. And smile charmingly.

The reality is, you hold all the power here. You get to choose what you think is reasonable. Being hospitable is about sharing your celebration with them and welcoming them into your home, not jumping through whatever hoops they put in your way. Of course, as others have said, their needs should be met and compromise where it doesn’t totally mess up your own enjoyment is very much in the spirit of Christmas. But it’s about sharing, not being walked all over.

OP never told them to f--- off.

You’re making it too complicated.

You simply say “Okay, you can join us if you wish, but you will need to slot into our plans and we do X, Y and Z at this time.”

If they don’t like it they can go elsewhere.

Maybe have an update call and tell them you’ve spoken with everyone but unfortunately it will be a late Christmas dinner as that suits your family. If they prefer a midday meal there are no doubt some nice hotels nearby where they can go for lunch and then they can have a light snack later when you eat. They should still have time to make a reservation.

Fur babies make a family, too. 😀
We had a challenge in our extended family years ago with cousin's wife being allergic to dogs. The sentiment of the dog-owner cousin hosting was, "Well, take an allergy tablet." This caused a bit of a stir.... 🤦‍♀️family...

Just do what you would normally do. If they want to eat at an obnoxiously early hour and you haven't started cooking it there's not much they can do about it.

Have the usual Xmas snack and canapé crap going from 10am and they can eat that if they are hungry. Getting people losses tends to work as time holds no meaning.

Any snide jibes just repeat 'there's plenty of Pringles Doris I'm sure you can cope for another 2 hours'

'Getting people losses' should be 'Getting people pissed'

🥴

She didn't tell them to.

God, I think I'd have to just bite my tongue and say sorry, our Xmas is planned x,y and z. Will they have transport to see the relative? Or were you all going on the same day?
I feel for you mate!!

I think this is great advice. Let them know that you can't move dinner timings because of other guests, but that you will put out sandwiches and soup or something at 12ish.

I've been hosting for almost 20 years. In the beginning I was very accommodating of everyone else's needs at the expense of my own. I had a wakeup call after one particularly tough Christmas day, where I realised I'd spent barely any time with my children because I'd been waiting on entitled relatives who won't even help wash up after and, in the early years, wouldn't even turn up with a bottle. I realised every single person had had a wonderful day, but I hadn't. And none of them cared.

It is in this sil's nature to be demanding whilst offering nothing in return, she will always be this way regardless of how I react so I might as well react in a way that looks after my interests too.

The sil who is "vegetarian" will also treat herself to a big mac when she goes to McDonald's by the way.

Midday??? Are they mad? Whatever sort of time would you have to get up to produce a full Christmas lunch at midday? It's a miracle if I manage it before the Queen's speech! How odd it will be to have a King's speech this year ..

Excellent point! Surely the easy comeback is 'don't be ridiculous Roger, I'm not getting up at 6am to start cooking, I'll miss Xmas morning! I'll be starting to cook around 1pm, there'll be loads of snacks'

Also wtf do you do with the rest of the day? Everyone's replete at 1.15pm waiting for bed time, Noel Edmonds will be barely finished his tour of Great Ormond Street/Post Office Tour thing and you can't open sherry until at least 4pm.

I much prefer Christmas dinner at lunchtime- means we can go for a walk in the daylight afterwards, and teatime is turkey dinner leftovers and Buck's Fizz - but I'd never dream of imposing that on someone else.

I'd just message them, dinner will be around 4pm ( or whatever) because of adult DCs timings, if you want to eat something more substantial at lunchtime then we can do < whatever is easy> or feel free to bring something with you , although there won't be much oven space.

. I do just wonder if your house guests, faced with the situation they cannot control ie the loss of the elderly relative, might feel like they need to have some certainty and predictability at this time? Is that why they seem to be dictating what will happen when? (And perhaps if the elderly relative is also a relative of yours, the same might apply?)
Possibly and thank you as I think you are possibly right and helps me look at it another way, and yes we are all related in the same way.

I suppose what I'm suggesting is that you give them a heads up about what usually happens/what your family plans are but offer them the option to opt-out, rather than change your plans for them.
It was the heads up about what usually happens that led to the request to move the timing of the main meal and change various other things so that it is more like their usual. Christmas Day.

Ordinarily, I'd be happy to compromise and maybe have the meal at one but we have already organised our day around our own DC and their in laws so it would affect other families' plans if I changed ours. Had they been invited, I'd have consulted them along with everyone else on timings of the day (although 12 O'clock turkey was never going to happen!)

Thank you everyone, I will stand my ground on the meal time - they won't go hungry while they are waiting!

I agree that your guests are trying to exert some control over smaller aspects (meal times) because they have little control over the more significant issues (overall disruption to Christmas & anticipated loss of a loved one).

That doesn't make them right.

Midday for Christmas lunch is a tall order. It expects the host to be up & cooking pretty early. I suspect they knew you would resist and provide them with something to grumble about.

Stick with your plans and let it wash over you.

OP, you sound very reasonable.

Having a VERY small selection of sausage rolls, coleslaw, potato croquettes etc, cheese and crackers, smoked salmon, etc.,available if they would like to eat earlier, would be how I would deal with it.

A plate could be given easily to them and the main lunch scheduled as always.

This lunch is much larger than them, and their needs do not come before the arrangements of your adult children that are co ordinating with their extended families.

They’re being rude, entitled and presumptuous. They also appeared to have forgotten you are doing them the favour and not the other way around. Good on you for serving dinner at the time that works for you -it is your house and it sounds like you’re doing all the work. 12 is way too early, why should you have to get up at the crack of dawn?!

If they don’t like this then they can explore the hotel and restaurant options. But being realistic at this stage in the game, then a lot of places will be booked up so most likely won’t get a table at the time they want

@billy1966 exactly, l find it hard to believe there won’t be snacks and nibbles around. It is Christmas!

Having a VERY small selection of sausage rolls, coleslaw, potato croquettes etc, cheese and crackers, smoked salmon, etc.,available if they would like to eat earlier, would be how I would deal with it.

I was never going to let them go hungry, we wouldn't last til 4 without eating either!

My In-laws tried this once. If I’m cooking Christmas lunch I dictate when it’s served. I much prefer it later (relaxed/not rushing). They always want to eat at 12. They can whistle for it. Nobody goes hungry.

I’d get back to them

good to chat yesterday and start the Xmas organisation. Have chatted to our family this end & unfortunately it just doesn’t work changing the timings of meals. We all like to eat together especially at Christmas so it will have to be at x time. I can provide you with extra snacks etc if you’re feeling peckish. I know you’ll understand that it’s quite a conundrum getting everyone together at the same time.

regards op

Your guests sound incredibly rude, we are going to family for Christmas this year and they have said they like to eat at 1pm; personally I would prefer to eat later but of course I just said 'thank you - that sounds lovely'. It will be so nice just not to have to think about the cooking and shopping so we will graciously go along with whatever the plans are.

We have our Christmas meal later in the day. It works for us. DC has breakfast as usual at 7.30am, then we have a big brunch at 11.30 which doubles as lunch for DC. Then we go for a walk, and back by 2pm to put the turkey in for Christmas dinner at 5.30/6pm. Various snacks, champagne and other drinks on offer throughout the afternoon.

This means that I'm not rushing around trying to cook while presents are being opened in the morning and neither DH nor I have to miss out on having a drink with Christmas lunch so we can drive somewhere nice for our walk.

Do what works for you and tell them they're welcome to fit in with your Christmas or they can do their own thing.