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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect uninvited guests to fit in around us?

183 replies

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 22/11/2022 21:11

I need to be deliberately vague here....
Relatives have invited themselves to spend Christmas with us. I understand why, have said yes and they will be made very welcome.
I'm massively committed in December so am trying to get on top of planning for Christmas now. Had a zoom with them tonight as one of them has some dietary requirements I needed to be clear about
They then asked about what we would be doing on the days they are with us - and proceeded to say they didn't like x, y, and z, wanted Christmas Day to be done a certain way etc etc. I was proud of myself that I didn't tell them to F off; but they are under the impression that as they are guests, they get to call the shots. Don't want to drip feed so need to add that reason they wanted to be with us is so that they can be near an elderly relative who won't make another Christmas, which complicates things somewhat.

Not quite sure how to handle: we've already had our Christmas turned upside down to an extent by saying yes to their self-invitation, so I don't want to have to further change our plans because they want Christmas in our home to be a replication of Christmas in their home.

Not sure if that makes sense, whether I'm being inhospitable, or just over complicating things?

OP posts:
AlisonDonut · 22/11/2022 22:35

Come on, what sort of demands are they after?

FlissyPaps · 22/11/2022 22:37

Having a zoom meeting chat about Christmas Day itinerary seems absolutely bizarre.

You didn’t want them there in the first place let’s face it, but you said yes. I can understand how awkward it is when people invite themselves round and it puts you in such an uncomfortable position, I get it. But … you should have been blunt and just said no.

If they don’t like your itinerary then that’s tough for them. Just tell them to like it or lump it. Be more firm and blunt with them.

Or just uninvite them.

Original poster
RockingMyFiftiesNot · 22/11/2022 22:37

MilkshakesBringAllTheCoosToTheYard · 22/11/2022 22:29

It depends what they want changed and why though. If, say, you usually do presents mid-morning and that is when they plan to be with the elderly relative then I'd work around that, for once. But if you usually do presents first thing and they just can't be bothered getting up, then obviously they're going to miss presents! We need more context...

That's fair enough, I was trying not to say too much identifying stuff but the thread is already identifying I guess.

We share the same relative so am not sure their needs trump ours.

If it was as simple as preferring spag bol to turkey I'd happily make both. More that we like a leisurely Christmas, and our timings are such to facilitate the already complicated schedules of our adult DC. An example of what they don't blink is that we have our Christmas meal later in the day, much more relaxing. They would like it earlier in the day but it just doesn't work for us.
It all sounds quite pathetic now I'm writing it down!

OP posts:
HowDoYouOwnDisorder · 22/11/2022 22:38

Yes, can you give an example?

if they insist dinner is at a certain time: that’s a bit unreasonable. But if they care deeply about the King’s speech and want to eat before it after. I’d sort of give them that

if they want to do presents at 5am that’s unreasonable. If they want a little walk after dinner, let them do it, that is not unreasonable

it all depends what it is about really

TheOnlyBeeInYourBonnet · 22/11/2022 22:42

'Oh well, it'll be lovely to have you over so we won't be at all offended if you do your own thing for Christmas and we'll catch up for an eggnog at the end of the day.'

ArseMenagerie · 22/11/2022 22:43

“Dinner will be served at 4”

no further discussion needed. It’s your house.

Freddosforall · 22/11/2022 22:43

It's the cowards way out, but blaming the adult kids is probably what I'd do, as in, "jinny won't be over until 4 so we're going to have to eat at 5".

twanmever · 22/11/2022 22:43

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 22/11/2022 22:37

That's fair enough, I was trying not to say too much identifying stuff but the thread is already identifying I guess.

We share the same relative so am not sure their needs trump ours.

If it was as simple as preferring spag bol to turkey I'd happily make both. More that we like a leisurely Christmas, and our timings are such to facilitate the already complicated schedules of our adult DC. An example of what they don't blink is that we have our Christmas meal later in the day, much more relaxing. They would like it earlier in the day but it just doesn't work for us.
It all sounds quite pathetic now I'm writing it down!

Show quote history

No, it doesn't sound pathetic at all! In our family we're 64 and lazy gits. On Christmas day we won't get up till lunchtime, so always have Christmas lunch late. I'd happily fit in with your vibe for the day, should you care to invite me :)

twanmever · 22/11/2022 22:44

Actually we're not lazy gits, we still work! However we don't do early, not everyone does. Personally I think the lunch at 12 people are weird and just wrong.

Freddosforall · 22/11/2022 22:44

And add, I'm afraid it's become a Xmas tradition and the kids will be upset if we change it. Because everyone knows you can't change a Xmas tradition, no matter what it is!

Byelaws · 22/11/2022 22:44

With you on the meal later in the day. Lunch at 1pm is a bit early for us. It means the cook’s day is really hectic in the morning.

But you are in control of that ‘we eat at 5pm’.

Tulipomania · 22/11/2022 22:44

If you are guests in someone's home, whether you were invited or invited yourselves, it is the height of rudeness not to fall in happily with their plans.

Unless there are very young children included for whom it's difficult to adapt mealtimes, when you can politely make your requests...

Honeyroar · 22/11/2022 22:48

What’s happening on Xmas day? Well, you’re going to be peeling potatoes, your hisband is on sprouts, and then you’re hoovering. After dinner you’re loading the dishwasher. On Boxing Day you’re setting up the buffet table and unloading the dishwasher. Then we’re doing X,Y and Z (insert what you want).

Northby · 22/11/2022 22:50

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 22/11/2022 22:37

That's fair enough, I was trying not to say too much identifying stuff but the thread is already identifying I guess.

We share the same relative so am not sure their needs trump ours.

If it was as simple as preferring spag bol to turkey I'd happily make both. More that we like a leisurely Christmas, and our timings are such to facilitate the already complicated schedules of our adult DC. An example of what they don't blink is that we have our Christmas meal later in the day, much more relaxing. They would like it earlier in the day but it just doesn't work for us.
It all sounds quite pathetic now I'm writing it down!

Show quote history

Goodness just tell them politely but firmly “no, we are happy to host to help you see our relative but if you’re coming to our house you’re going to experience our version of Christmas - you may even like it!”

Original poster
RockingMyFiftiesNot · 22/11/2022 22:50

Unless there are very young children included

Only 'children' are our adult DC, who are flitting between us and their in-laws, so the day is complicated enough already

OP posts:
Mirabai · 22/11/2022 22:56

So you say: “these are the arrangements this year, you’re welcome to join but I’m afraid we can’t change the plans.”

CF to think they would do anything but fit in around your schedule.

Allsnotwell · 22/11/2022 22:57

Well you just inform them of the day

Breakfast at 11
Lunch is 3
Late supper

They can then plan for visiting relative etc

Why not be open and just tell them?

saraclara · 22/11/2022 23:01

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 22/11/2022 22:50

Unless there are very young children included

Only 'children' are our adult DC, who are flitting between us and their in-laws, so the day is complicated enough already

So the visitors have to fit in. This is what Christmas is on your house, and it rightly works around your kids. So yes, there's nothing cowardly about saying "these are the timings of our Christmas, and they've already been decided with the kids and their in-laws. There is no room for manoeuvre I'm afraid."

Original poster
RockingMyFiftiesNot · 22/11/2022 23:02

Yes I think you're right. I'm happy to be flexible on some things but am not prepared to rejig our whole day so they can have the timings they'd have at home.
Thank you all for helping me work it through

OP posts:
WhatTeaspoon · 22/11/2022 23:04

What are you so incredibly weak regarding capitulation to demands and why do they think they can dictate?

Unless someone has allergies or an absolute hatred of a food item then they eat the dinner provided. They may prefer spag bol but so what.

Christmas is not complicated at all unless you make it, which you are.

billy1966 · 22/11/2022 23:05

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 22/11/2022 21:37

They're guests, they don't get to demand any changes, you do Christmas how you want. If they don't like it, they're free to go elsewhere.

Take the bull by the horns snd TELL them YOUR schedule.

They either accept it or they make other arrangements.
You will understand if they do.

Whilst you are prepared to host them, you have pre existing arrangements which take precedence.

You need to be clear.

Sounds like a pita.

I am post menopause and wouldn't have the tolerance for this at all.....wouldn't have had pre either...now that I come to think about it!

Original poster
RockingMyFiftiesNot · 22/11/2022 23:07

WhatTeaspoon · 22/11/2022 23:04

What are you so incredibly weak regarding capitulation to demands and why do they think they can dictate?

Unless someone has allergies or an absolute hatred of a food item then they eat the dinner provided. They may prefer spag bol but so what.

Christmas is not complicated at all unless you make it, which you are.

Thanks that helps

OP posts:
WhatTeaspoon · 22/11/2022 23:10

You are either really scared of this person, maybe a bossy sibling that bullied you or you are a people pleaser.

Looks like you are a contemporary of mine looking at your user name, honestly as we age we should be caring less and less and pleasing ourselves more and more.

WhatTeaspoon · 22/11/2022 23:12

You remind me of my sister who spent a lifetime pleasing everyone but herself, the only person who she told the truth to was me. It was frustrating. She is close to 70 now and has enjoyed very little of her life.

BatshitBanshee · 22/11/2022 23:12

"I'm sorry, that just won't work for us/that's not how we do Christmas in this house."

Unless this is an inlaw or a family elder that you're particularly beholden to, there's no hierarchy here - and you're in control because it is your house.

I'd just do dinner when I planned it - ie. DC won't be able to join us till 4 so that's when we'll be eating. Full stop.