Christmas money - per child or not when someone has a big family ??

[Pontipinetree]

Not sure what to do - usually gift nieces and nephews and godchildren some money each Christmas (have always done this per child). However one family is huge and getting bigger ! So where all the others have 2 or 3 children one family has a lot meaning we give £20 per child but it’s manageable when it’s £40 or £60 per family but then one family is getting into the hundreds so we thought this year with things a bit more difficult we would just do £50 for each ‘set’ of children in each family.
It’s got back to us that this isn’t fair that we’ve always done £20 per child and this is relied on especially so this year and I feel guilty.

If you give money do you do it per child or just per family ? It just seems a lot when one family is so big compared to the others ?

AIBU to change things to just a set amount for everyone ?

@Kitkatcatflap I don’t understand why the fact they are in one family is such a stumbling block? If they all came round to tea would you only give them one slice of cake between the group while their only child cousin got one for himself? Do people do that? If they can’t afford £x per child surely they just reduce the amount they’re giving everyone?

it'sbetter Seriously, are you the family member? I don't know where you are buying your baked goods, but I assume you are not spending £160 on one cake. I think you are missing the point, the OP says she can no longer afford to give that kind of money to one family.

Not being able to afford £20 per child has nothing to do with which household each child lives in.

If I couldn't afford £20 I'd give £10, or £5, or a small present per child. The only way it makes sense for me per family is a gift that is able to be shared like a board game, as then each child still gets the same, it's not diminished by the number of siblings.

I don't think anyone thinks OP should spend £20 on each child if she can't afford it. Just that she should treat each of her nieces and nephews equally.

So if she can only afford £100 divide that be the number of children. I would buy gifts rather than give cash if it comes to a weird amount.

It's so strange how people don't seem to grasp this concept when people say it.

For so many kids, we usually bought them jigsaw, book and selection box instead of money. It was costing us a fortune with 20 odd nieces and nephews.

How odd. I mean it’s normal to say your children don’t need anything but why particularly do you feel children with seven siblings should be more forcefully excluded from gift giving? Are they in your eyes less part of Christmas?

It's common knowledge that, if you choose to have a very large family, that means your children will miss out on lots of opportunities that children in more normal-sized families get to enjoy. It's not the kids' fault, but it is their lot in life.

For example, if you ask a friend if they have a spare seat or two in their car to take your kids with theirs to an activity - nobody is ever going to have a spare 8 seats; or if you're hoping to stay with friends for a visit or event near where they live, they may be able to make room to squeeze in a family of 3 or 4, but a family of 10: clearly no chance whatsoever.

Parents who realise this and still decide to go on to have loads of children will surely understand that they will have to do their best to step up and make up the difference to their kids - buy a minibus and drive their kids themselves instead of grabbing a lift with others, or pay for several hotel rooms instead of staying over with friends. If they can't or won't do this, sadly the kids will just have to miss out. In certain circumstances, I believe that choosing to have a load of kids can actually lead to being a form of deliberate neglect, if not abuse. Even where there is genuine love and care, most people will want the best for their children - and (just my opinion) I believe that bringing them up having to share everything (time, money, resources, attention etc.) with 7 other children is most probably not providing them with the best.

Most people realise that, if you choose to have a lot more of an expensive 'thing' than most people do, your total expense will be far higher. Little kids first learn this concept in the sweet shop. I don't think the children should get fewer presents in this scenario, but the parents should make good the difference themselves and bear the additional costs, rather than expecting to stretch the goodwill of others to the absolute limit - often beyond what they can pay as much as are willing to pay.

I don't think anyone thinks OP should spend £20 on each child if she can't afford it. Just that she should treat each of her nieces and nephews equally.

But we're talking about all of the cousins missing out, through the choices of just two parents; however, I think the main point here is that it sounds like the money isn't going directly to the children anyway, but to the parents. If those parents themselves are effectively being paid as a reward for having so many children - expecting to cash in to an unlimited amount, the more children they have - that is most definitely NOT fair. You can't just emotionally bind your family to an ever-increasing cost (doubled, if you include birthdays too), where all they can do is sit back powerlessly and see their bill going up and up.

The parents are definitely being greedy, but I don't think OP should take it out on their children.

Surely it's fairer if all your nieces and nephews have £5 less than some get £25 each and others get £6!

There's no way that I would treat some of my nieces and nephews so poorly compared to the others because of the choices their parents' made.

I agree that it sounds like the parents are just keeping the money, so we but gifts instead. All of similar value.

I don't think that would wash anyway, though, as the parents of the lots of kids have it in their head that they're 'entitled' to £20 per child at Christmas (and probably also for their birthdays).

I obviously don't know them, but from what OP has said - and the idea that they 'rely' on the money - it wouldn't surprise me at all if the parents would rationalise that, if savings have to be made, their kids should still get £20 each and their cousins get significantly less/nothing, as "their parents only have two kids and can afford to get them lots more anyway" - as if a random number generator assigns every family a number of children and it's nothing to do with your own active choices at all.

But if it's relied on, has this not been challenged??

the cash gift is for the children not the parents. Being relied on suggests the money is going into the family pot. If I were the OP I'd not be impressed

Im wondering if anyone can provide their opinions, Christmas gifting
I have 1 child and all my family in laws as well as my siblings have 2 children
My daughter gets a gift of around 20 or less but I'm expected to give cash or vouchers for at least 20 per child!
Am I being out of order but I'm paying out double and it's a lot at Christmas

My opinion hasn't changed in the two years since this thread was originally started!

I give gifts to the children, not to the parents. Christmas is about kids.

Do you think it is fair your niece/nephew to watch your dc open a £20 gift while they open something worth £10?

If you are stretched ask the parents that you all stick to £10 gifts per child this year (although it might be a bit late for this year as many have already started gift buying). Or, if you don't do it already consider agreeing to stop giving gifts to adults - we do this and it make Christmas so much less stressful!

Technically it's not the kids fault so they should get equal amounts...however it's a gift so completely up to you what you give and should be appreciated