Christmas money - per child or not when someone has a big family ??

[Pontipinetree]

Not sure what to do - usually gift nieces and nephews and godchildren some money each Christmas (have always done this per child). However one family is huge and getting bigger ! So where all the others have 2 or 3 children one family has a lot meaning we give £20 per child but it’s manageable when it’s £40 or £60 per family but then one family is getting into the hundreds so we thought this year with things a bit more difficult we would just do £50 for each ‘set’ of children in each family.
It’s got back to us that this isn’t fair that we’ve always done £20 per child and this is relied on especially so this year and I feel guilty.

If you give money do you do it per child or just per family ? It just seems a lot when one family is so big compared to the others ?

AIBU to change things to just a set amount for everyone ?

Ideally, none of the children should miss out/get less because they have lots of siblings, but realistically, that's going to be their whole life in a very big family, in so many different ways. They didn't choose to have so many siblings, but their parents did choose to have so many - and for each of those children to get less/a smaller share of just about everything.

It's interesting how they expect you to be able to keep affording the same amount for an unlimited number of children, yet they 'rely' on it (which could be open to some interpretation), suggesting that they themselves can't keep affording it.

In one way, it's unfair if each child in the massive family gets less, but in another, it also means that - depending on their ages - they can benefit from sharing whatever their siblings spend their money on; ergo a family with two children have only £40 of toys/games available in their house whilst a family of 8 will have £160-worth in theirs, as long as they don't spend it on consumables.

This will probably sound weird, but the only truly fair way I can think of is for you to give the same amount to the parents of the big family as to the parents of the much smaller families, then agree that the children will all get £20 each from you, BUT the parents add the rest on your behalf to make it up, so that each of their children still gets £20 'from Aunty Sue & Uncle Mike'. That way, nobody is penalised for circumstances beyond their control and the only people who have to pay out more are those who actively decided to have a very large family, knowing full well that it would end up costing them a shed load more.

If they are relying on your £20 per child they need to stop having kids! I'd just give a tin of sweets to each family or a selection box to each child. Mil needs to stop being the messenger and shouldn't get involved in what you do.

@Pontipinetree we have around 20 nieces and nephews between us and still more on the way (we are the oldest of large sibling groups) This year, we've chosen to book our local trampolining park on a date near to Christmas. We've invited all the children (we don't buy for adult nephews and nieces anymore) and paid for them to play and then eat.
It means we treat them for Christmas and we get the chance to see them all.
Parents are staying so we get to spend time with our siblings too.

This year we decided on £60 per fam. My sis has 3kids so was £20 per kid. I have 5 kids so the eldest get a token gift and the littles get £15

I can't be the only one who would love to know what the MIL means by 'rely on'. Did she essentially mean 'look forward to' or was she actually suggesting that the bulk of the presents their kids get will come from the money given by OP, and they will receive noticeably less (even nothing?) if it isn't forthcoming?

I'm wondering if the £20s do make it to the children or if their parents take them and buy them £20-worth of presents each with it. In fact, if the latter, do the children even know the source of the money or do the parents pass the presents off as coming from them?

I really hope that the £20s don't just go into general household funds and the kids get nothing anyway.

Sounds to me like your MIL is stirring the pot. I'd personally either go with a family gift, board game, snacks etc or reduce equally but either way, you do you and don't be guilt tripped. The awful part is that this family may have said nothing negative about the situation but your mother in law's stirring would naturally get your hackles up and is going to cause animosity.

We just get family presents at Christmas- a board game and some chocolates.

I’d be interested to know what presents OP’s two kids get from this family. Do the family expect (or rely on) £140 worth of presents for their 7 kids and give £40 worth of presents to OP’s kids? I know one does not give in order to receive but it can be quite unfair. My friends and family have gone down the “let’s save money and not buy presents for the adults, let’s just buy for the kids” route. Great. Family A has one child, family B has one child, family C has three, family D has two, family E has three…. and I have no kids, but end up buying ten presents and get nothing in return.

Surely if you have 7 kids, you would be feeling the pinch with the current price rises. You'd have to be pretty thick skinned not to realise people are cutting back this year. Accepting £140 in cash every year is cheeky enough but the 'it's relied upon' comment would have had me fuming.

OP, you have been incredibly generous in the past. But a gift is a gift, it is not a contract. Yes, it's a shame their kids don't get as much but that is not your issue to solve. You made your choices and they made theirs.

On a side note - here is my a cheap and cheerful gift idea. Large mason type glass jar. IKEA do cheap ones with clip top. Decal name stickers from eBay for around 1.20/1.50. Gold/silver, Marvel or Harry Potter scripts are popular with kids then fill with sweets. I buy the packs of three or four - whichever is on sales. Once the sweets are finished they have a jar with their name on it

This^

It sounds like the kids don't get the money.

Selection box each from now on.

I don't get it. Its the parents responsibility to explain to the kids of the bigger family that is how the real world works! Why should the 1 child family be getting less? Because someone has 4 kids? Kids need to be told no, things are not always fair.... I went to bed later than my brother because I was nearly 3 years older it's the way it was. There was hardly any moaning.

You can do what you want. Quit the cash and give the children a board game between them 😜

I would just suggest not giving gifts to any of the nieces and nephews at all, and they don't give to your kids in return. I think that's the only "fair" way to do it - rather than some kids getting less than others, everyone gets the same (zero).

If you're all just swapping envelopes of money anyway it's not like they're getting thoughtful gifts that they'll now miss - it sounds a bit like the parents just pocket the cash anyway!

That is utterly ridiculous to have 7 of 8 children and expect family to gift £20 per child. Or "to rely on it"

Just because you could afford it at a stretch in previous years doesn't mean you can or will continue. This year is perfect year to strip back as everyone understands cost of living increase. It's very CF of MIL or these parents to say and ring other than Thankyou to what you gift to then

I disagree with other PPs, I gift per family for my budget. So those with more children have to share it out more.
With that many relatives nieces and nephews I would gift £30 per family, so it was £90 overall. They can share it out or not.

I don't understand why you're giving money though to each other's children- surely with that many children in the family do you really need to give gifts to each individual when it's money anyway- why can't they get £20 as a Santa gift from all their aunts uncles and cousins ?

Maybe though it's time to either gift selection boxes or those Xmas gold bunnies each. Or simply to stop

That's a super idea

Xmas to us is about playing Charades, Taboo or Pictionary so why not gift each family one board Game this year. They are about £25 each

I’d be interested to know what presents OP’s two kids get from this family. Do the family expect (or rely on) £140 worth of presents for their 7 kids and give £40 worth of presents to OP’s kids?

That's a very good point, actually. Even if each family is expected to give the same to each niece and nephew, there's nothing stopping the parents of the 8 kids from giving a significantly higher (but still equal) amount to each of their N&Ns, to take account of the fact that their family costs everybody much more.

Incidentally, with the ever-mysterious 'rely on' thing, it would be interesting to see the reaction if OP still spent £20 on every child but gave it as a gift rather than cash. That would make it very obvious if the parents are funnelling some/all of the present money off elsewhere.

I'm not wanting to get at parents who choose bigger families at all, but there is an element of personal responsibility involved. We know a family with 11 kids and they've complained about the HA not offering them a bigger house. It rather begs the question as to just how big they think the HA's houses go! Same with this, having 8 children and just expecting everybody to keep stumping up the same per-child costs. It's a conscious choice to have 3-5 times as many children as the average family; surely you realise that the world/other individuals just aren't set up for your extreme (chosen) circumstances - just the same in principle as a 45-stone person turning up for a booked seat on an aeroplane and being genuinely surprised to find that they simply won't fit in it.

I think I would sound out yours and dh's siblings and suggest that as everyone is under financial pressure that the gift giving is stopped this year and restrict it to each dcs' birthday. I would instead still host the Boxing Day even if on a less lavish scale.

I don't think you're unreasonable to want to cut it down to a restricted amount each family but I can understand MIL being upset for the dcs who clearly don't get the same amount of money or time spent on them due to being a larger family.

I can understand MIL being upset for the dcs who clearly don't get the same amount of money or time spent on them due to being a larger family.

I do feel for the kids, who never asked to be part of a massive family; but it's not up to OP to be expected to make it up to them, when she carefully planned her own family based around affordability and, it seems, somebody else didn't take the trouble to do the same. MIL could always step up and stump up more, if she's so concerned.

Good point about birthdays, too - that's effectively being expected to pay the same again x8 as Christmas, albeit spread throughout the year. People will say it sounds churlish to even consider it, as it's presents for kids, but it's still money that has to be found in a limited budget - just as parents have to consider when budgeting for presents for their own kids.

YeAh I don't get why any parents who have chosen to have large families expect that their siblings can afford to buy watch if their DCs individual gifts

I have 3DCs and my family adjusted budgets down quite understandably the more babies I had!!! Quite right too! It doesn't stop them moving my DCs, hugs, kind thoughts and home made glitter Xmas cards are free ... my DCs have always been very grateful for whatever they get even if it's a pack of £1-2 whispa bars. I find it very CF when any parents insist on their burgeoning family getting expensive preempts pwe child when one family has multiple DCa and others don't. It's not for others to subside and I have one of the larger families in ours...

To buy more not 'watch'

Oh that was each not watch

home made glitter Xmas cards are free

All the hoover bags and carpet shampoo aren't

I find it weird that the children are considered part of each siblings portion. To my min they are family members in their own right. Give them a present, don’t give them a present but don’t do some weird £x/number of children for each family.

Good grief, I can't get past this! This is insane.

A gift is at the discretion of the giver.
A Christmas gift is not an obligation or a contract. You are allowed to change what you do and it is very rude for anyone to express any dissatisfaction to you. It is very reasonable to give the families a family gift each, eg. Board game or something they can do together as a family. You don't need to justify this change to anyone

It is very reasonable to give the families a family gift each, eg. Board game or something they can do together as a family.

For their cheek, I'd give them a six-pack bag of Aldi crisps and tell them it's a jigsaw of a potato!