Christmas money - per child or not when someone has a big family ??

[Pontipinetree]

Not sure what to do - usually gift nieces and nephews and godchildren some money each Christmas (have always done this per child). However one family is huge and getting bigger ! So where all the others have 2 or 3 children one family has a lot meaning we give £20 per child but it’s manageable when it’s £40 or £60 per family but then one family is getting into the hundreds so we thought this year with things a bit more difficult we would just do £50 for each ‘set’ of children in each family.
It’s got back to us that this isn’t fair that we’ve always done £20 per child and this is relied on especially so this year and I feel guilty.

If you give money do you do it per child or just per family ? It just seems a lot when one family is so big compared to the others ?

AIBU to change things to just a set amount for everyone ?

I would be interested to see how you splitting between families would go down if they are relying on presents. Maybe they want your gifts to pad out what the kids are getting as they can't afford much so if the overall goes down, they may still not be happy

Just buy huge lollies and tie a fiver to the stick and give one to each child.

This is laughable don't be silly. Someone with 8 kids can't expect the world to afford them all. Surely if they can afford 8 kids they are really well off anyway. I can barely afford to raise 1.

If so, then that’s just tough. Gifts are gifts, you can’t be demanding they continue as you are relying on them. It’s time for them make other changes in their life, stop having kids if that’s the case.

My mums side of the family got round this issue and the problem of 20years between eldest and youngest sibling having kids by giving each other a "box" or "hamper" of stuff to share. It usually has boxes of sweets, wine, a family game, calendar, comedy books, a dvd and odd little bits and pieces for the kids to share/fight over.

It's so strange how 2 people have chosen my post to quote now.
Numerous people have given the same opinion as mine (to reduce the spend on each child, not just in the big family so every child is the same and she's not spending any more overall)

Grabby fuckers. If I were you, I'd dispense with gift giving altogether. Give to nobody and receive from nobody.

Tried on would make me think FUCK THAT

I was thinking the same. I have 4 with number 5 on the way & would never expect someone to buy all my children gifts. To be honest my family is the opposite and none of them gift anyone (different excuse every year), it's always been expected that I do though but that's another story lol.
I would assume this is coming from the MIL and the children's parents would be mortified if they knew.

Don't put yourself under pressure. I wouldn't give money, get them all a nice book you think they would like & write a personal message inside it. Gifts are more thoughtful anyway & then you can avoid the crazy financial expectation put on you.

They chose to have 7 kids, and another on the way…. You didn’t. And it’s not your responsibility to provide for them. I suspect from your mil’s wording that the family uses your gifted money and now relies on it. I would stop now. The other families seem on board. Buy a tin of sweets for the family, if you also gift to the parents, and a selection box for each child. Very fair, each child gets exactly the same, so no one can say it’s not fair. If Mil moans tell her you cannot afford to keep paying out and have your own Christmas to fund.

I would also stop being so generous on Boxing Day. Host by all means, but everyone has to bring something. Drink, nibbles, salad etc. don’t let them take you for a mug.

Sorry I'm scrolling while watching a film I've not read every comment to be honest 🤷🏻‍♀️ I think I might have been harsh with that it sounds harsh reading it back anyway and wasn't meant to he.

To be

I would reduce the spend for each child but treat all of them equally. Kids don't get to choose the number of siblings and it would be sad to penalise them for having more siblings than their cousins.
I would give a £10 each, if you can afford it. Don't be guilt tripped by other parents. It's a gift, you give what you can afford to and the times are difficult for everyone.

I'd say there is absolutely no problem giving less but keep the amount per child the same.

If they're "relying" on it, I would assume the parents are keeping the money anyway!

I'd go for the chocolate Santa with their name on it for everyone, much less money and hassle

Family gifts or reduced amount for everyone.

Think about it this way: you have a set budget for gifts (say £100) and need to buy for X children (say 10). You don’t calculate it as 6 children get £15 and the other 4 get £2.50 or any other variation. It’s £10 each.

Your relatives don't get to choose what gifts you give.

That said, I would definitely pick and overall budget and split it equally between all the children. Children are all individuals, not just one of a set of siblings. It's not their choice how often their parents procreate.

Why not make it £10 per child larger family and either same for others or more if you want as if not all same family how would they know
I spend more in my neice and nephew and two of dh nephews because we see each other etc and we spend similar amounts, all have two kids etc , dh sister has 3 kids and we barely see them so I spend a little less as does she and she doesn't know what I spend on others as I don't discuss and has no idea what I gift my god children etc

We have knocked it on the head this year, not actually because of the expense but more because we never know what to buy. Instead we have all picked names out of a hat and we are doing a secret Santa instead. My sister has 3 kids I only have 1.
could you not suggest this to your family? It keeps it fair as everyone receives a present of the same value. Obviously the parents have to buy on behalf of the kids so your family may see this as unfair. It’s a tough one!

My grandparents always gave "per family" as there was a huge family, and some of their kids had 4 kids, some had 1, so it wouldn't be fair if one "family" got say £200 in total and one got £50 etc. however it did cause problems because then one of my cousins had, say, £200 to himself, whereas we only had, say, £50 each.
It's tricky - could you buy a "family gift", so like I've bought one family a board game between them rather than spend the £20 each I usually would

I’d stick with £50 and then deduct £40 as a carbon tax.

If they’re having an eighth child whilst reliant on £20 at Christmas, they don’t deserve a gift.

Rely on it !! Cheeky fuckers , you give what you can afford end of .

Send them all a fiver and a chocolate Santa! Job done!

If I was you just say you're stopping it. Cost of living crisis and all that

YANBU. It’s your gift to choose to give as you see fit. If the parents are so hard up that they rely on their kids Christmas money then why do they keep having children??

Stop the cash - start buying each family a tub of chocolates and a new board game to share- and that’s their lot.