Christmas money - per child or not when someone has a big family ??

[Pontipinetree]

Not sure what to do - usually gift nieces and nephews and godchildren some money each Christmas (have always done this per child). However one family is huge and getting bigger ! So where all the others have 2 or 3 children one family has a lot meaning we give £20 per child but it’s manageable when it’s £40 or £60 per family but then one family is getting into the hundreds so we thought this year with things a bit more difficult we would just do £50 for each ‘set’ of children in each family.
It’s got back to us that this isn’t fair that we’ve always done £20 per child and this is relied on especially so this year and I feel guilty.

If you give money do you do it per child or just per family ? It just seems a lot when one family is so big compared to the others ?

AIBU to change things to just a set amount for everyone ?

I wouldn't give them a penny. Buy 7 selection boxes instead. It's not your fault they chose to have a litter

My rule is if there are more than 3 children you get a family gift. They must know that by having so many children they are making it very expensive for those around them to buy gifts etc.

It sounds like you didn't read my post?
I never said anything of the sort!
I actually said if you read it if it's too much money she's needs to reduce the amount she's spending on every single child (not just the children in the big family) - so that every child is treated equally.
And no I've got one child 🤣

They don’t get to decide how much other people spend on the children they chose to have.

think this cuts to the nub of the argument.

I’d give each child £10. It doesn’t matter if it’s less than they’re used to.

Or if that’s still too expensive, selection boxes.

Wow, it's quite rude of them to say that it's relied upon! I think gifting a game and box of biscuits/chocolates, per family is a lovely gift.

8 children is abnormally large. 4 children is a large family. 8 is virtually unheard of in current times. They must be aware that they have an unusual number of children. These children will share things heavily throughout the year, because unless the parents are rolling in it, they will need to share as many resources/hand me downs as possible just to keep afloat.

Apparently it's ok for them recognise they have too many 8 children and to pool together. But you should not be allowed too.

Absolutely a family gift. Then they can divide it amongst their children. If you can't afford 8 children and are "reliant" on £20 once a year, then don't have 8 children! Not your problem to bankroll how irresponsible they are OP.

I read your post correctly. 7 kids and continuing to expand is quite a lot. I do not think it should be expected from the parents that anyone has to buy all 7 kids can you imagine on other occasions too such as birthdays? I know it seems unfair BUT if you choose to have a large family.... I don't think you should hold the expectation that OP must buy all 7 kids. Crikey

Aww no. That’s really sad for the children seeing the others get more.

someone suggested working out your total budget and dividing that between all the children, that sounds like a good idea.

Same amount per child, drop to £10 if need be.

Ten pounds each with a selection box would be nice too.

Are you sure your mil isn't just stirring things up? I'm a mum of six and go out of my way to tell friends and relatives that gifts are not necessary. I can't believe anyone would say their children rely on getting £20 once a year...

Is it family? How close are the different sets? Definitely draw a line and start doing something differently.

If the money is so relied on, are you sure it's going to the individual children? I would be going down the selection box/ puzzle book type route I think.
If you do choose to buy a family present that's fine. People should be grateful for any gift they get.
You don't owe MIl an explanation, I can't recall my adult children ever asking how much I was spending on their children's cousins.

We give a gift per family now because some families have one child whereas another has seven due to a blended set up. So it's a board game and a tin of chocolates or biscuits so no more than £20 per family now.

Well ok fair enough. Different opinions and everything.
However my suggestion still wouldn't be stretching herself like you said, as my suggestion was to spend the same amount overall.

They shouldn't except anything!!

You shouldn't have to feel bad or struggle because you're expected to buy Christmas presents for half the towns kids.

Just get what you can and if they seem ungrateful don't even bother next year.

It's not your fault they chose to have so many kids and if they rely on the money then they should have thought about it before having baby number 8.

Seems a bit mean if you're actually giving cash. You'd be able to get away with it less obviously if you bought physical gifts.

Relied on? That would put my back up for a start.

I’d buy presents from now on. A board game and some chocolates/ sweets per family, or similar.

Is it a blended family? Perhaps that would make a difference regarding the gifts. It might be simpler to have a total amount and split it equally between all the kids

Then tough. You are not a charity.

My MIL does this. SIL and I both have two children, but BIL has 6. She spends the same about per family, it is EXCRUCIATING if she gives the presents when we are all together. If you need to rethink how much you spend, then of course do that, but perhaps a family gift of a game and a thing to eat instead of cash.

I would reduce the amount per child within the family. I can’t quite imagine the neck of someone trying to police what value of gifts you give. If they are ‘relying on it’ it sounds like someone in the family needs to pick up some extra seasonal work to provide for their children. Dh and I only have 2, because we sensibly decided that any more would stretch our ability to provide for all of them.

Are the other families doing the same and giving money, like swapping money between families to give to the children? Does it go to the children or to parents to buy with? If you agreed to drop the amount per child between you then surely there is no problem with relying upon the money as they will also save money?

Yanbu that's far too much. My sister has 4 kids and I have 1 and she always goes overboard with mine as she feels bad that I buy for 4. I tell her there's no need and she shouldn't though obviously. I used to give her kids £50 worth of toys each but can't afford to this year so will be less.