Christmas money - per child or not when someone has a big family ??

[Pontipinetree]

Not sure what to do - usually gift nieces and nephews and godchildren some money each Christmas (have always done this per child). However one family is huge and getting bigger ! So where all the others have 2 or 3 children one family has a lot meaning we give £20 per child but it’s manageable when it’s £40 or £60 per family but then one family is getting into the hundreds so we thought this year with things a bit more difficult we would just do £50 for each ‘set’ of children in each family.
It’s got back to us that this isn’t fair that we’ve always done £20 per child and this is relied on especially so this year and I feel guilty.

If you give money do you do it per child or just per family ? It just seems a lot when one family is so big compared to the others ?

AIBU to change things to just a set amount for everyone ?

I have 4 children, my sisters both have one each. We stopped doing wrapped gifts years ago as it would cost them a fortune compared to me.

I wouldn’t like to give money in this situation at all, no guarantee that children see these money actually. It also seems that there is a lot of gossiping about your gifts. I have relatives like this so can tell with certainty they will talk and moan whatever you give them, so choose something that gives you the joy of gifting. Give each child a personalized Santa or fiver and selection box or board game per family , whatever you think is better and you’d like (and can afford!) to give.

🤣

It's relied on? That's so cheeky! A gift is just that, not an expectation. I'd suggest it's time to say you are all only buying for your own kids now that times are getting tougher. It's not unreasonable to say that. But if you are gifting I would say it needs to be per child.

Per child, of course!

Or maybe a pack of condoms for the parents wrapped in Christmas paper......

I think a family present is fine but money per family isn’t . It’s not fair to give some nieces/nephews £25 each and others £7 based on how many siblings they have. That’s quite a difference!

Knock this right on the head. I was an only child, my aunts had lots of children and it was too expensive. So my DF said he would get a big tin of chocolates for each family.

No one relies on gifts.

I think it's a bit strange to give £50 cash to a family. What are they meant to do with it?

Either give the kids less money each - £10 or £15 - or get a gift for the whole family like a hamper, a silly game to play, something like that.

That would be fairer.

Or maybe a pack of condoms for the parents wrapped in Christmas paper...... seriously WHY do you think commenting on their choice of family size is appropriate? Do you give jokey little fertility herbs to childless people?

Do you actually hand over the money to each child? Sorry if you've said and I've missed it or not understood. Them being reliant on it makes me think that you are giving all the money in the card to the parents who use it to cover their Christmas expenses? Maybe the kids don't actually know that you are giving them £20 each and never see it. If you are not already doing this what would happen if you put it in each child's hand? It's a lot of money to find for 8 kids. If you are giving the money to the parents of each family then there is absolutely nothing wrong with giving an equal amount to each family.

My Dad gave money gifts last year. He has three daughters. I'm the only one with kids. Let's say he gave my sisters £300 each and me £200 and then each of my children £50. He's doing the same amount per daughter or household but doesn't give the £300 to me he puts the kids money in their hands or account so they know he gave them that gift and it's to be used for them.

Reduce the amount for everyone. Give £10, not £20, to every child. That way, everyone is treated equally. Just do it. Do not explain. People who are receiving money from you are not owed an explanation.

Christmas can be a giant PITA. Brings out the worst in some people. Including me 😊

They're taking the piss with 7 kids. I get my 4 nieces and nephews a 100 pound voucher for the cinema.

seriously WHY do you think commenting on their choice of family size is appropriate? Do you give jokey little fertility herbs to childless people?

I think a lot of it hangs on the meaning and reality of the phrase 'rely on', as used by MIL. If they are genuinely so poor that they depend on Christmas gifts from others (does this mean that the children don't get other presents from their parents or that the parents use those £20s to buy all/most of the gifts their kids will get - we don't have the full story?), then it was very irresponsible to have 8 children (assuming they've now stopped there).

8 is an extreme choice of family size, IF it is the case that they can't really afford them. It's not at all the same as infertility, where people are desperate for one or two children. If somebody with 6 children were inconsolable about being able to have more children - or a 65yo grandmother upset that her children were now all grown up and she couldn't have any more of her own - they would have every right to feel that way, but I don't think they'd get much sympathy from most people.

It’s MIL’s fault. She should have kept their complaint to herself.

Please lighten up! 🤣

@Bleachmycloths awe was the awkward woman pointing out arseholeary and ruining your fun? Do you preface your “jokes” with “no offence but…”?

grow up

My Dad gave money gifts last year. He has three daughters. I'm the only one with kids. Let's say he gave my sisters £300 each and me £200 and then each of my children £50. He's doing the same amount per daughter or household but doesn't give the £300 to me he puts the kids money in their hands or account so they know he gave them that gift and it's to be used for them.

That sounds fair to me, and is broadly in line with how many people would write/intend their wills - leaving equal amounts to each of their children's families (whether dividing it themselves by the individual members or leaving the whole family share to their child and expecting that their GC would also benefit).

That said, however, it's a different dynamic when it's money given directly downwards (parent to child to grandchild) rather than across (sibling to sibling or niece/nephew) - and also the numbers of people involved: if it's (soon) a family of 10, then there are only two adults to 'take' from and redistribute their share to 8 children, which doesn't necessarily stretch that far!

Couldn’t you see that her suggestion of condoms was not serious????

For their cheek, I'd give them a six-pack bag of Aldi crisps and tell them it's a jigsaw of a potato

Brilliant!

EIGHT children! Blimey.

To be honest though I think I probably would budget per family not per child. So if you are budgeting £60 for the family with three kids, I'd spend that on the bigger family too. Probably best to buy something for the family like biscuits and chocolates rather than give the money to the parents to disappear into the general household pot.

(the two kids in the two kid family can still get £20 each)

To be honest, even if the family with soon-to-be 8 kids only had 3, you'd still have a lot of kids to buy for.

I think this year is the perfect time to change your custom.

I'm with the 'board game and box of Quality St per family' team.

Lord knows how you work it for birthdays, mind!

I would do a family gift, maybe a game and some chocolates? Or reduce the amount per child and give them all the same.

I’d stop with the cash I reckon the kids not getting it.

Go to the works 10 books for £10, 10 selection boxes and a board game or two for the entire family. Maybe a tub of chocolates and a bottle of wine for mum and dad.

switch it up every couple of years, so next next it’s a huge crafts bundle of bits picked up thought the year, a baking bundle to make cakes etc so it’s almost more family experiences as gifts.

You can do the same kinda thing with the other family groups too. It’s harder to tell how much people have spent then too.